Dating and romantic relationships

There is a problem that I had, and I think that it could be more applicable to autistic people in general, and that is a fear of being trapped in a relationship with someone unsuitable. I am so confrontation averse and 'soft-hearted', that I could see myself starting a romantic relationship, finding out that my partner was really not 'simpatico', but sliding into an unfortunate marriage simply because I could not hurt the other person by ending the relationship. This fear really held back my willingness to connect with women that I did not know well beforehand.

Thank you for that lovely thought.  I feel I have missed out on a lot and just had pathetic crushes on people that didn't see me in a romantic way.

It's much the same for me. I'm a little younger but I really struggle with people and I've no idea how to change that. By the time I'm 30 I want to be married and have a baby but it's looking so unlikely I can't even look at someone let alone talk to them and then go on a date.

But don't give up hope they say there's plenty of time and that there's someone out there for everyone. I try to hold on to that thought. X

I can relate to this. I am not 35, but I am still a virgin at 22 and have no consistent relationship with girls. Most of them do not notice me at all, and the ones that do just do not want to spend time with me more than they would with a good friend. This is what they tell me most of the time: you’re an excellent friend, and one of them even told me once, “I wish my boyfriend was more like you.” I am almost desperate and don’t know what I am doing wrong.
I try my best and even sometimes send them flowers [link removed by Moderator]. They say it’s nice, but it never goes further, even though I always try to show I am open to a relationship.

I just hope time is not passing me by. People are unique.

I knew my wife as a work colleague for 3 years, before we started 'going out together'.

Well I suppose it can feel like that a bit, but it's why it worked for me that I dated someone who I already knew and was friendly with.

Is dating like being judged?

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. Unrequited love is a horrible feeling, one of the worst I have experienced. I always really struggled with being able to tell people how I felt, work out whether feelings were mutual, and work out, if women were being nice to me, why they were being nice to me. I found the whole thing really complicated and confusing. I got through it, in the end, by meeting people, then making friends, and then realising someone was more than a friend, and fortunately on that occasion it was reciprocated. I know it's easier said than done, but when I'd stopped looking a bit, things seemed to happen. You'll get there. 

Thank you. My social circle is bigger. Earlier it was small and I feel I missed out a lot when my friends were getting married/having children. Pathetic as it sounds, it hurts when your feelings of love are not reciprocated and my fault was I created a story in my head. I felt inferior.

Hi, I struggled for a long time to get noticed / tell people I liked them / date etc. Back in the day, I got hurt a lot as a result. Quite a few people I developed feelings for wouldn't even know it.

The advice I would give is to try and do things that broaden your social circle - perhaps join a group / cause / club you feel interested in / passionate about, without thinking too much about where it leads or putting pressure on yourself to have a girlfriend or be married. I know that can feel daunting for those of us who like our own company.

I met my wife through a charity we were both volunteers with. That way, I ended up meeting someone who I was able to bond with as friends before it led anywhere. That can lead to complications, like jeopardising a friendship by trying to make it more than that (which I also did). But I was never someone who could ask a stranger out on a date, and internet dating wasn't a thing then (and I'd have been rubbish at it anyway).

Thank you. It's a process I have to work at. 

The problem is that the bulk of the population have non-verbal ways of signalling, and interpreting the signals of others, concerning sexual/romantic interest. They do this entirely subconsciously, autistics are not able to do this, or at least not reliably. I remedied this deficiency, once I had worked out that the problem was in me and not the entire female population, by researching facial expression, gesture and body language, As a scientific researcher by profession this was fairly easy for me in the distant past with access to university libraries, but now there is lots of information easily accessible online. I replaced subconscious instinct with intellectual knowledge, but could now interpret signs of interest in women and signal back my own. I have been married for 25 years and have two children.