Square Peg

Hi JT,

I genuinely didn't care that I didn't fit in.  It certainly helped that I thought I was just a 'unique' NT.

I found that NT's quite enjoyed me NOT fitting in.  I was weird and exotic - socially, in my interests, and in my work.

I got invited to cool stuff as the 'fun odd-ball' who also knew how to switch to "socially acceptable" at the drop of a hat, if required.

I was really happy being "that version" of different.  Now surely - that sounds like the mythical superpower to which you refer?

My secret to not caring was efficient social masking (I found bombastic and "edgy" worked well) with a quasi-arrogant delivery.

I report it as "efficient" because I was able to entirely fool myself along with (almost) everyone else - albeit with ever decreasing effectiveness.

My 'superpower' did work for me for ages, but it increasingly exhausted me and I became really lonely, just longing for any genuine connections.  I did find some, but very few.

My masks kept falling off with frightening regularity and it scared people, and myself.  I became known as unsettlingly unpredictable.

The people I didn't scare off drifted away from me as they grew up whilst I tried (in vain) to doggedly obstruct change and retard progress.

Eventually, I burnt out.  Horrible.  The only profound upside (for me) was that I was forced to discover, and then emerge, as myself.

I've started again - much calmer (ironically enough) but I've wasted a lot of my life pretending and trying to please others.

Superheroes are actually the ones who live their own authentic lives - in my opinion.

Self-deluded and uninformed ND's might appear to be superheroes for a while, but I strongly suspect that they eventually end up flying too close to the sun and burning up, like me.  The devastatingly sad statistics regarding adult ASD's certainly support that perspective.

 I thought I was fitting in, by trying not to fit in - too much !?!  I wish I had been braver and more self-aware.

My NT life was a discombobulating mess.  My emerging ND life is .....................[I'll let you know when I do!]

I hope the above is useful or interesting  to you and that you are, and will remain, a happy human.

Wow. Your story, is my story. I am that bombastic, exotic, invite along with someone else guy.

Now I'm taking the mask off, because I actually care if I get along with said hosts, I'm finding my awkward, social handgranade self, isn't happy with that.

Without the masks I'm too left field. But I am trying to make progress with other left field people of my pedigree

It ain't easy

Wow. Your story, is my story. I am that bombastic, exotic, invite along with someone else guy.

Now I'm taking the mask off, because I actually care if I get along with said hosts, I'm finding my awkward, social handgranade self, isn't happy with that.

Without the masks I'm too left field. But I am trying to make progress with other left field people of my pedigree

It ain't easy

To be honest with you JT, whilst I would love to try and fix the world with you, I think I'm going to be pretty busy fixing my own messes for a while and trying not to create more.  But again, I love your positivity and optimism - keep it coming !

Completely agree. Its like this modern obsession with social media, I never understand for the life of me why people want to endlessly take photos of themselves and then spend their day scrolling through photos of people they dont even care about instead of experiencing creation or reading a book. Makes no sense to me.

Neither does people who constantly work out at the gym all day, wear t shirts so tight they cant even breathe, and then tell everyone what an amazing person they are cos they have a perfect body. Sorry but your body shape has absolutley nothing to do with your worth as a person, it is irrelivant, so these people have basically wasted all their time on something that does not matter

Its all about image 

Everyone masks to some degree, even neurotypicals. If every person behaved in public exactly as their inner self suggested that they should, with no filter or public persona, there would be social chaos. 

The elusive goal is to get a balance between masking enough to survive in society and not masking so much that it exhausts your energy completely, adversely affects your mental wellbeing and your sense of self.

Cluck

Ive actually found, since I live near Brighton, UK, there are many more people these days looking for a more transparent world. Even many NT people are waking up to the BS.

Although I realise I live in a forward thinking liberal place.

I used to live in London (never again!!) where there is so much BS posturing & status sharing it made me sick, literally I'm afraid to say. But in amongst the BS spouting mob, are always the voices of reason, those that call "BS!" when the time is right. Unfortunately, these risk takers often find a entrepreneurial or creative future is the only place they'll (we'll) thrive.

...the life of Elon (as much as I dislike many aspects of his approach atm) tells the story; stand up, be different, but be bold. Humanity will take big, Mars roving moon'like steps, into a more evolved future.

I like to think, nature doesn't make mistakes, and evolution is creating increasing amounts of autistic minds, perhaps, to remedy the NT mess we are living in ...we should all be ensuring we are busy fixing their mess,!!

Tell me 'bout it ! ..... I've become very discerning over my company.  It is more lonely but I'm finding it much more gratifying to try and only be around people who appear to me as authentic souls.  There aren't many.

I'm sick of the trite and self satisfied people who seem to be everywhere in this NT constructed reality show.  It simply isn't interesting to me and I can't understand why virtually everyone is so happy to do "the latest thing."  Don't people have minds anymore?

.....but the vibes in this place are very comforting.  Nice to make your acquaintance  JT.  I look forward to more of this - we do seem to be hatched from the same hen!