Square Peg

Hi JT,

I genuinely didn't care that I didn't fit in.  It certainly helped that I thought I was just a 'unique' NT.

I found that NT's quite enjoyed me NOT fitting in.  I was weird and exotic - socially, in my interests, and in my work.

I got invited to cool stuff as the 'fun odd-ball' who also knew how to switch to "socially acceptable" at the drop of a hat, if required.

I was really happy being "that version" of different.  Now surely - that sounds like the mythical superpower to which you refer?

My secret to not caring was efficient social masking (I found bombastic and "edgy" worked well) with a quasi-arrogant delivery.

I report it as "efficient" because I was able to entirely fool myself along with (almost) everyone else - albeit with ever decreasing effectiveness.

My 'superpower' did work for me for ages, but it increasingly exhausted me and I became really lonely, just longing for any genuine connections.  I did find some, but very few.

My masks kept falling off with frightening regularity and it scared people, and myself.  I became known as unsettlingly unpredictable.

The people I didn't scare off drifted away from me as they grew up whilst I tried (in vain) to doggedly obstruct change and retard progress.

Eventually, I burnt out.  Horrible.  The only profound upside (for me) was that I was forced to discover, and then emerge, as myself.

I've started again - much calmer (ironically enough) but I've wasted a lot of my life pretending and trying to please others.

Superheroes are actually the ones who live their own authentic lives - in my opinion.

Self-deluded and uninformed ND's might appear to be superheroes for a while, but I strongly suspect that they eventually end up flying too close to the sun and burning up, like me.  The devastatingly sad statistics regarding adult ASD's certainly support that perspective.

 I thought I was fitting in, by trying not to fit in - too much !?!  I wish I had been braver and more self-aware.

My NT life was a discombobulating mess.  My emerging ND life is .....................[I'll let you know when I do!]

I hope the above is useful or interesting  to you and that you are, and will remain, a happy human.

Hi JT,

I genuinely didn't care that I didn't fit in.  It certainly helped that I thought I was just a 'unique' NT.

I found that NT's quite enjoyed me NOT fitting in.  I was weird and exotic - socially, in my interests, and in my work.

I got invited to cool stuff as the 'fun odd-ball' who also knew how to switch to "socially acceptable" at the drop of a hat, if required.

I was really happy being "that version" of different.  Now surely - that sounds like the mythical superpower to which you refer?

My secret to not caring was efficient social masking (I found bombastic and "edgy" worked well) with a quasi-arrogant delivery.

I report it as "efficient" because I was able to entirely fool myself along with (almost) everyone else - albeit with ever decreasing effectiveness.

My 'superpower' did work for me for ages, but it increasingly exhausted me and I became really lonely, just longing for any genuine connections.  I did find some, but very few.

My masks kept falling off with frightening regularity and it scared people, and myself.  I became known as unsettlingly unpredictable.

The people I didn't scare off drifted away from me as they grew up whilst I tried (in vain) to doggedly obstruct change and retard progress.

Eventually, I burnt out.  Horrible.  The only profound upside (for me) was that I was forced to discover, and then emerge, as myself.

I've started again - much calmer (ironically enough) but I've wasted a lot of my life pretending and trying to please others.

Superheroes are actually the ones who live their own authentic lives - in my opinion.

Self-deluded and uninformed ND's might appear to be superheroes for a while, but I strongly suspect that they eventually end up flying too close to the sun and burning up, like me.  The devastatingly sad statistics regarding adult ASD's certainly support that perspective.

 I thought I was fitting in, by trying not to fit in - too much !?!  I wish I had been braver and more self-aware.

My NT life was a discombobulating mess.  My emerging ND life is .....................[I'll let you know when I do!]

I hope the above is useful or interesting  to you and that you are, and will remain, a happy human.

I have wasted a lot of my life doing the same thing. Its good that we are not doing that anymore.

I am going through burnout now and I think that, ever so slowly, I am starting to emerge as myself 

Wow. Your story, is my story. I am that bombastic, exotic, invite along with someone else guy.

Now I'm taking the mask off, because I actually care if I get along with said hosts, I'm finding my awkward, social handgranade self, isn't happy with that.

Without the masks I'm too left field. But I am trying to make progress with other left field people of my pedigree

It ain't easy