Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
my mother has always been a lover of animals, and we have always had some sort of pet within our home, especially dogs. I am now an adult but I still live at home and support my family financially. I have a particular sensitivity when it comes to my senses of sound and touch, finding loud noises or persistent unwanted noise to irritate me greatly and cause an intense anger response. I've never really acted upon these feelings, instead I have become quite proficient in bottling them up and appearing relatively normal on the surface, however the sensation is so strong that it tends to cause me to shutdown after too long.
we used to have 3 dogs; 2 smaller dogs that were more of my mum's dogs, and 1 big border collie, Ozzie, who was practically my best friend. He made me see the best in dogs, and was one of the only sources in my life who made me feel unconditionally loved. however, he had to get put down earlier this year and i was devastated. following this, i've started to dislike our small dogs more and more, without Ozzie being there to remind me of the good. Shortly after he was put down, my mum bought herself a third small dog without first asking me whether or not I was ready and willing to attach to a new dog, and now I've been expected to train and dog-sit them even though I wasn't given the opportunity to accept these responsibilities. She had never trained the previous two and is making very little effort to train the third, so I am now having to try tolerate 3 uncontrolled, whining, screeching, barking, and biting dogs without my head exploding.
A result of this frustrating situation is that my willingness to tolerate my sensory issues with the dogs has decreased. I've made my mum aware of how uncomfortable and upset I get when the dogs, especially now that I've received my diagnosis, but instead of finding ways to train her dogs to behave properly and respond to commands to get them to calm down, I am expected to just simply tolerate it and try to out-reason my disability and sensory issues, with her responses being like: "but you need to understand they're just dogs", "you need to understand they're just anxious", "you need to understand they're just playing", or "you need to just learn to tune them out".
What about my anxiety?
What about my feelings?
what about my enjoyment?
What about my diagnosed disability, which explains that I can't tune these noises out?
it upsets me to see the dog's feelings being more valued than mine, surely the more easily controlled variable is the dogs temper, rather than my autism? suppressing my responses in these situations is profoundly uncomfortable and will surely wreak havoc on my mental health, even more than it already has.
Has anyone else here been in a similar situation? do you guys think that I'm in the right? have you any advice on how to approach this situation and improve my quality of life, even though I've already told my mum about this multiple times? How do I learn to process these feelings in a more healthy manner, in order to avoid potentially hours of rage and discomfort?
This has ended up being a very lengthy post, so I appreciate anyone who took the time to read it and respond. Thanks
It could be that the sensory overload at home is making you less tolerant of noise at work. I know my sensitivity to noise is hugely elevated in all settings at the moment.
It would be a shame if you have to give up your job. Have you tried approaching your employers to discuss any reasonable adjustments that could be made to make the sensory environment less overwhelming for you?
I don't know if it is just that my ear defenders aren't very good, but they hardly seem to have any impact on the sharp noise of the barking. I hate the way they clamp tightly over my head. It seems to amplify all of my internal body sensations. When I get the intense physical reaction to the barking it becomes so overwhelming I have to take them off. Also every footstep reverberates if I try to walk while wearing them.
Like you I don't enjoy using anything in or over my ears for long. If I've tried combining ear plugs with over ear solutions, but not really found anything that works so far. I'm currently deliberating whether or not to spend a lot more money on some better quality noise cancelling headphones.
It's understandable that you reacted the way you did. I'm the same, in that I can go mute and not know what to do or say if something unexpected happens. You have a right to be angry when your mum had already been made aware of how the dogs make you feel.
I feel sorry for you and your neighbours. Having 4 dogs going ballistic must be a nightmare. I think even non autistic people would find that hard to tolerate. One going ballistic in my neighbours garden is bad enough!
You are being very considerate towards you mum and it's a pity that kind of empathy isn't reciprocated to you. By continuing to contribute to the household finances you are enabling her to acquire more dogs and the resultant ongoing cost of feeding them.
Please try and put your own needs first for the sake of your health and wellbeing.
Unfortunately I may have to leave my job due to significant sensory issues and socialising aspects. But I’m looking into the ADP that’s recently started in Scotland, so if I can get that then it’ll at least prevent me from using up all of my savings whilst I figure all this out.
I'd start looking into the mechanics and practicalities of moving out if I were you, now.
Don't say anything just start doing it. Let others ask you why you are doing budgets, looking into benefits and assistance etc. then tell them using the clearest and bluntest (but not offensive) language that you can muster.
I bought some compact ear defenders which aren’t the strongest, they dampen the noise but they don’t give quite the relief I was hoping for and they get uncomfortable after a while. I could combine my ear buds with the defenders but that would be a lot of pressure on my ears and head at once.
I was really quite angry when she told me a new dog was coming, I didn’t know when or how long we would have her. And it was such a shock to me that I couldn’t construct a coherent response at the time, instead I just went mute. The owner turned up shortly after that and I’ve had to help look after her since. Additionally, the dog is very anxious and barks at any new person she meets or noise she hears outside, which leads to all 4 dogs running out into the garden going ballistic.
Moving out is something that weighed heavily on my mind when the new dog came, but unfortunately I don’t think my mum could afford to live in our home without my assistance financially. You’d think in that case my opinion would be much more respected around here.
Oh no that is bad and totally unreasonable.
I would say you need to be firm that you will no longer train or dog sit them.
Have you found the ear defenders helped to block out the noise? Based upon my experience they just dampen it and the noise sensitivity gets worse the longer you are exposed to it.
I think in your situation I would be exploring options for moving out.
Here’s an update to the situation; she has now obtained a 4th dog, and only gave me 15-30 minutes of notice before it arrived.
I Sperg said:sends a "silent signal
I do that at work if they start playing hiphop via store speakers after store closes
plug in
I Sperg said:"blessed relief",
added bonus, I have a reasonable excuse for not hearing them from few meters away, so if they want something from me they need to come closer, and they're lazy ar.ses
convince your mom to get staffy buldog next time, they make almost no noise, no barking.,They might whine quietly sometimes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FbqtLkjTH8 when they're begging for treats or cuddles.
I have the same problem, my wife and daughters (one of whom is also autistic) accept the theory that I am autistic, but do not seem to be able to allow me to show that I'm affected by it. We were walking between a theatre performance and a restaurant and the streets were very, very crowded and I was feeling rather overwhelmed, so speeded up to get to the restaurant more quickly. I then get told off for leaving them behind, though they knew where the restaurant was. Even when I explained why I had gone on ahead it wasn't accepted as being valid.
We always had Siamese cats. The oriental breeds have a temperament that is somewhere between that of other cats and of dogs. They will play fetch and can be encouraged (not taught) to do tricks, they can be walked on a lead, they demand a lot of affection and are very talkative. However, they never fawn on their owners and retain the self-possession of a cat.
Thanks for the recommendation, I hope that you don't have to put up with that situation for too long. I own a few pairs of noise reducing earbuds such as Loops or Flare Audios, but my ears are physically sensitive as well as audibly, and I really don't enjoy using them for too long. I've just ordered a pair of over-ear defenders so hopefully I have more success with those.
Thanks for your response, glad that you cope better with your pets. I've previously lived with plenty of cats as well and I manage better with my senses around them, but I've always preferred the emotional connection I was able to make with dogs.
I certainly think that I've not been shown the same level of empathy that she's shown to the dogs. She seems to only sometimes take my disability seriously, until its inconvenient. For example, I also have fibromyalgia, which she sometimes takes seriously, until she needs help moving heavy furniture. Then its just expected of me to get it done. She seems to accept that I have autism, but doesn't accept that I suffer from the symptoms of autism.
Thanks for the reply, sorry to hear about your own situation. There are also plenty of other dogs in my neighbourhood which each take turns barking all day, which makes me furious enough to contemplate confronting the neighbours about it. If only I wasn't so socially anxious.
I have tried some noise reducing ear buds before such as Loop and Flare Audio, but unfortunately I'm also especially sensitive physically around my ears as well audibly, so I really don't enjoy using them. Unfortunately I just have to choose which sensory experience causes the least discomfort, I can't just actually be comfortable in my own home. It doesn't feel fair. I've ordered some over-ear defenders so hopefully I have more success with those.
My beloved daughter has a small loudly barking type dog that goes batshi7 regularly.
I can stand it and keep my face straight. Mostly. I don't have to live with the situation though.
In YOUR situation I'd get myself a pair of ear defenders, and put them on when the noise gets too much.
They will provide instant "blessed relief", and also sends a "silent signal" to others about your particular state of mind at that time...
Your mum seems to have a lack of empathy towards you and your situation. She needs to understand that due to your autism you can't 'just learn to tune them out'.
I sympathise greatly and have similar issues with the high pitched yapping of a neighbours dog. They had dogs before, which didn't bother me much, but there is something about the pitch and tone of the yapping of this latest one that really gets to me. It invokes and instant and intense anger / anxiety response in me and has resulted in some huge meltdowns recently.
I end up confined to the house, as if it is in their garden I cannot use mine without setting it off.
There are things which might help, such as ear plugs, ear defenders and noise cancelling headphones. However in my experience they only dampen the noise and my reaction is still that intense anger response. There was another discussion on here recently which includes some suggestions https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/27526/sensory-issues
Dogs need to be trained while they are still young enough to learn. My neighbours don't seem to be training theirs either and that only adds to my anger and frustration. I bought one of those sonic noise barking deterrents, that are supposed to help train the dog not to bark. Unfortunately when it barks I get myself in such a state that I don't think straight and only think afterwards that I should have used it.
A fine example of neurotypical lack of empathy, I'm afraid. We always had cats, I have never had a sensory problem with them.