Where to go from here...

Thank you for sharing this. I will start by saying that I’m autistic rather than a parent, so I can only speak from that perspective. I hope this can still be helpful.

It sounds like Adam can be rigid. This can be difficult of course, for all the reasons you express. Perhaps a conversation with a counsellor who has an awareness of autism could be helpful in finding ways for you both to relate to each other from a place of deeper understanding?

My second thought is that it is worth considering a flip side to your current experience of Adam’s difficult with compromise and understanding others’ views: this can be a strength when channelled in positive directions. I don’t like using Greta thumberg as an example, as she has privileges and a reach few of us share - but imagine if she had listened to all the voices telling her to stop, that she couldn’t make a difference etc?

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that Adam struggles too, and that his autism is, as you say, part of who he is - including shaping his strengths. That’s not to minimise your current difficulties.

Final note: I’d like to suggest, gently and with respect, that you try using ‘autistic’ rather than ‘with autism.’ The latter implies that autism is a disease that can and should be cured, while theormer is an identity, something that runs through the whole person, including their struggles and their strengths. It’s all part of reframing your perception so that you are able to better support both yourself and Adam going forward.

all the best, and feel free to ask any further questions :-)

He'll have to learn how to stop throwing things if he is to survive as an adult in not autistic friendly world. 

Like Catlover said, the beast way, is to avoid situations that can trigger you to act emotionally, from what you said it doesn't look like he is alexithymic too, so he won't be able to stop reacting when emotions are high, and when you're like that, you forget about masking, which has to be actively overseen all the time

Adam has the heart of a lion and is very loving and kind in so many ways and then the switch flicks to the other Adam. He has a wonderful sense of humour too

Hi.. thanks for the reply. You kind of hit the nail on the head with what you said. My partner (been living together for a year) doesn't know how to deal with Adam and just thinks he's lazy and is just throwing his toys out of the pram when he doesn't get his own way. I've spent Adam's whole life trying the best way I know to help and support Adam..  and I think the problem is.. all the behaviours that the GPs told me was "just his age" I have just.put down as Adam being Adam. I can understand how partner sees Adams behaviour as just being a stroppy teenager.. I'm just so confused how to be stronger in my resolve to address his behaviour without him resenting me.

Hi.. thanks for the reply. Luckily Adam is fine with his diagnosis.. in fact he suggested he may have autism before the diagnosis because he can see traits of autism in what makes Adam the person he is. I'll definitely take a look at MIND CASS though. Thank you x

Many thanks for taking the time to reply. Can be a lonely place being a parent of a child with autism. Adam does not cope with other peoples point of view.. its his way or no way. There is no compromise and if you say no to something..  he becomes fixated on getting what he wants and he is relentless. Wrongly (I know) I give in more often than not because I just don't have the mental strength to cope with it.

Other people will be quick to point out that your son is badly behaved, or spoilt, and that you are too soft on him I’m sure. That’s the thing. It’s likely down to his behaviour that he ‘acts up’. He isn’t actually acting up at all, isn’t mean, isn’t spoilt, he’s just having problems regulating his emotions because he probably doesn’t know his triggers. It’s a learning process, for both of you. And as parents we don’t always know what helps. You know yourself, and you know how well you bought up your son. So if his actions seem out of context with what you know him to be, you can rest assure he’s having a moment, and it’s not down to his personality, if you know what I mean?

If he's almost 18 you might want to see whether MIND CASS might be running a course in your area. These are designed for autistic people to help them understand their diagnosis

Hi,

Are you able to describe the kinds of behaviours you mean, and the kinds of things Adam struggles with as well as his strengths? Some specifics would be really helpful. Thank you in advance