Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
Not got a diagnosis for my husband but after 30 plus years together and experience working in education, what was a quirky and reliable if not very reserved guy is a real struggle to live with. We met at 21 marrying at 23 as my parents insisted if we wanted to live together. That’s another issue not for now. Husband was really attentive pre wedding. Switch literally flipped at the wedding and the day was awful as he got so drunk he had to be put to bed. Years have passed, good times, ok times, bad times. All as expected…..but I am absolutely exhausted. I’m not going to drip feed but it’s clear he and as he admits his sister and mother are definitely on the spectrum. He is proud of it. He thinks I’m unreasonable asking him to perhaps come to my end of life occasionally. As long as I am quiet and non judgemental he is ok. The moment I voice an opinion he has verbal diarrhoea telling me how awful I am and being defensive. He then goes silent for days and sulks, really sulks. I generally fix this by apologies, taking the blame for being an idiot, etc etc. Truth be told I am exhausted. Any advice welcome. For information - an incident occurred this week that has really just made me feel so tired. Hopefully some one can identify and point me in the right direction for support. Thanks
When I say go to a counsellor, I mean just you, don't bring him with you. You need to figure some things out, so you need to go for the counselling alone.
Yes that is why I asked her to go to counselling, as we only know a little of what is happening, there is obviously much more to this. So she needs to talk it over with someone in order to understand what abuse it. It is abuse, but there could be more abuse that she is not telling us, and abuse that she might not understand is actual abuse. So she needs a counsellor to talk it through with urgently.
I agree with other comments that counselling should help but he also has to realise that he is being abusive to you and can't just hide behind the Autism card that is a cop out I believe because he recognises he is different so he should be able to understand not to behave the way he does.
Yes, time for self care for yourself. Get a good counsellor, if at any point you do not like the counsellor then go find another, you need to find the one that is right for you. Start looking after yourself, or the stress will consume you. Give yourself TLC, get yourself some time to do things you like to do, go out with friends. Get the real you back. Take that first step for a counsellor as they will be a professional in helping you. Look around and be fussy when selecting a counsellor. You are very stressed and upset, so do start having some "me" time. I hope things will get better for you.
Being in your 50's you are young and have the opportunity to make things better for you so that this new phase of your life can be a happier one. But you need to make the first step.
wishing you all the best.
He, sorry my husband, has a really good job. Yes though growing up pub was the deal. It’s not an issue now. It’s just as a woman in my mid 50s I’m genuinely exhausted pandering to someone who just because ‘I think in black and white’ is totally unresponsive to the fact that for the most part appreciated his social awkwardness. Probably do need help. Thanks
The TV is full of violence, it can't teach anything. Hobbies will not help him either. The lady is upset at the fact that she is not being treated nicely by him.
I think that it is best you go an get some counselling. You cannot change him, only he can make that choice, but if he is happy the way he is he won't change. You have some thinking to do for you, as his reaction is very on the abusive side. And you do not deserve that. I would highly recommend you get some counselling. Also you might wish to get an assessment as you might be on the spectrum too. A lot of us girls on the spectrum who come across as NT are very empathic and subjected to abuse, but we don't realise that it is abuse or wrong, it can take years to discover for ourselves that something is not right.
Asking fellow autistic people in this case is not going to help, as some men who are like your husband will answer. If I were you I would go see a counsellor and then take it from there. You deserve to be treated much kinder and better.
He just views the World differently.
By and large, TV was our real Teacher. It seems that his view of masculinity is to get Ratted as often as possible.
Does he have hobbies?