Broken...

Hello, I am so sorry you feel like this, it must be horrible to think you are ‘broken’. I know you might not realise this now but you are an amazing autistic person, you are not ‘broken’. You have strengths of your own, Your  autistic brain works differently and this means you do things differently, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to experience the world. I know it might be difficult to accept and embrace being autistic now but we are here to help you understand yourself. 

LegoBear said:

'm so confused.

Take as much time as you need to understand what being autistic means for you. I hope you feel like you can relate to fellow autistic people on this forum. When you are ready, you may want to engage with the autistic community more and hopefully feel part of a majority.  It’s seems that your perception of yourself as ‘broken’ has been influenced by other people’s horrible comments. Please don’t compare yourself to other people, you are amazing.

General society is not suited to the autistic neurology. Society needs to change NOT YOU.

I hope you feel welcome and valued for who you are in this autistic community. You are not ‘broken’.

I really agree with everything you have written here Ann. It’s not a matter of ‘broken’ or ‘not broken’ - that is an example of ‘all or nothing’ thinking - which is very common in autistic people. In reality there is a middle ground where an autistic person can find ways to live a productive and enjoyable life - at least some of the time . Being autistic brings many challenges to life it’s true. As a minority we are not likely to ever experience a society that is entirely comfortable for us. However there are so many things we can do to make our lives better and to form good relationships with others. 

Many of us feel ‘broken’ at times - but we’re not, we are just a bit bruised and battered by life. 
But bruises can heal - with time and care x 

I understand what you’re saying. Like you I’ve been in and out of different mental health services. I’d tell my story and the Dr would focus on a piece and I’d be given therapy for that. Whilst in that therapy I talk and the Drs would focus in on something else and I’d have therapy for this. This was the pattern for 20 years. Each time they labelled me I had hope that I’d be fixed if I put the effort in.. fast forward to last year my ASD daughters Dr suggested I seek an ASD assessment as he felt I was also Autistic. I had my assessment and the Dr laughed at how obvious it was that I was Autistic. Apparently I was one of the easiest diagnosis he’d had and found it ridiculous it had taken this long.

Its left me feeling like I now can’t be fixed. Like there’s not a treatment etc for it. I accept the diagnosis and can also see how obvious it was but I’ve held on for so long that I’d be able to be fixed that I’m struggling to adjust my way of thinking. I hope this helps you know you’re not alone. Take time to grieve the loss of hope (that’s the only way I can word it) and gradually the feeling will lessen. I’m still on that journey my self and want to thank you so much for putting into words that which I haven’t been able too. 

Hi, I hope it's ok to still reply given that you said that the comments made you more upset. I just wanted to say that I don't think we (autistic people) are broken. We are different. I also only recently realised that I am probably autistic and it is really helping me to accept myself. It's not realistic to expect the world to change to be more suited to the needs of autistic people, however I have realised that there are things I can do to make my environment more suited to my needs. This is quite a different approach to trying to 'fix myself' (and I am not saying that working on yourself is not good/useful) and I personally find it very helpful. I try to be more accepting of myself and for example I have become much more aware of how exhausting social interactions can be so I dose them much more carefully- I accept that I need to withdraw more often than some neurotypical people and I try let myself do what is good for me. Also in terms of work environment, I am much more mindful of what type of work environment will work best for me and I try to adjust any aspects that I can and I will keep this in mind when I look for my next place to work. I think that there are some fundamental things about myself that I cannot and do not want to change and that's fine and for me it is so much healthier to stop trying so hard to change things that cannot or should not be changed. I didn't have to mask as much at university as I was very lucky to have landed in what I would call a very "autism friendly" university and environment and I met people that I connected to easily without having to mask. Masking and trying to fit in all the time is very exhausting and not sustainable in the long term. 

For me realising that I am autistic meant that I could finally "be an alien in peace"- it helped with self-acceptance, though I still struggle. My aim is to be myself as much as I can (I interact mostly with those close friends that I really connect to, if I feel like spending the weekend all alone, I do so. I do not join social events or group activities that make me unhappy and that I have no interest in/ that only stress me out. I'm not saying I will not ever push myself out of my comfort zone but I am much more targeted in when I would do so and for now it is very freeing to let go of some of the expectations). I think viewing yourself as "not broken" can be very healthy as it helps with self acceptance and can help you change things in your environment and life that make things easier. 

Anyways, what is the definition of being "broken" vs "not broken"? or of "normal"? we are all so different whether neurotypical or neurodivergent and all have our struggles- just because we are autistic does not make us more or less broken than neurotypicals in my opinion. 

No idea if any of this is helpful- I don't want to generalise by any means and mainly referred to my own experience here. And I am really sorry if this comment upsets you further. 

Okay all these comments have left me feeling like I'm even more wrong. I can't see a way to delete this nor to turn comments off. I shouldn't have said anything. 

See people keep telling me this but I can't get my head around it after years of being made to feel like I am wrong.

That's the old outdated view, that it is us that needs to change when it's the opposite....society needs to fix its attitude and mindset and accommodate everyone regardless! To say we are broken is wrong on so many levels and playing into the ableist hands