Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I’m a 20 year old girl/woman I guess? I don’t feel much like an adult honestly.
I was diagnosed with autism (technically Aspergers) at age 19 after a long struggle which started in early 2020 when my mum realised that I could be autistic following a discussion with a friend.
Anyway, I’ve had a difficult time recently and I wanted to ask others specifically with autism for advice on this issue. Mainly, I’m worried that I’ll be left behind by people my age when it comes to life achievements. Let me elaborate.
I have a few good friends my age who are all off in university or working full time jobs or doing work placements and studying and it’s impressive! I’m so proud of them, meanwhile I had to take multiple years out to focus on my mental health, which really hadn’t helped much. I’ve only just started with a bit of counselling but the main struggle is that leaving the house is so exhausting. It’s over stimulating and tiring and I have to try so hard to fit in with others that when I get home I just want to be alone and sleep or relax, I struggle to go out multiple days in a row.
This past few days has been horrible, I’ve had to leave the house every single day for the past several days and won’t get to stay in until Monday. All of which were somewhat important. My sister, my family and my friends are all fine with this, they can do it no problem. But I literally broke down in tears tonight thinking about how tired I am of being outside and overstimulated, I’m nowhere near able to talk as eloquently as normal, I feel socially and emotionally spent, like a battery that’s totally died. I don’t know what to do. Is my whole life going to be like this? Will I ever be able to work full time?
i feel like I have 3 options. 1) Leave the house and function like everyone else wants me to at the cost of my mental health and stability. 2) Be selfish and ask everyone else to slow down a bit, for example ask to maybe wait a few days to see that movie so I can come too? Or 3) Stay lagging behind and go at my pace while all my friends and family move on around me.
It’s like I’m running a marathon alongside my friends except I’m chained to an anchor and I can’t keep up, but asking them to wait would be “selfish”, according to my friends and family I’ve talked to.
Im at a loss here. If anyone else has any advice or experience with feeling like they’re being left behind I’d very much appreciate it. Being able to ask other autistic adults for their advice is something I’ve never been able to do and I’d love to hear any suggestions.
Its best to know yourself and know your limits, and only push those limits if you are sure its right for you, and ready for it (or ready enough).
Don't compare yourself with anyone, humans are all different and when autistic you probably will find life/things more difficult or challenging than others you know. Accept that, be comfortable about who you are - and you can try working on things if you feel it is right. You can't be someone else, it will mess you up trying to that, so be yourself - and aim to be a better version of yourself if that will help you achieve what YOU want to.
Do what you can socially, but make sure you have time to recover - and let people know that's how it is for you.
Are your friends aware of your autism diagnosis? If they are, and they are good friends, they will understand if you talk to them about how you feel. If they care about you I’m sure they’ll be understanding.
ultimately you have to prioritise your well being and happiness - and if you pressure yourself too much to do things that make you feel unwell then your mental health will likely suffer. As an autistic person it’s quite normal that you need a bit more time to unwind and have more quiet time after a busy and socially demanding day or week. I think most autistic people feel this way - we often need that ‘recovery time’ after social or stressful situations. I’m sure your friends will understand - if they are genuine friends. You need to be able to be yourself with them.
Asking them to wait for specific things so that you can join should not be seen as selfish. I feel it’s important to monitor yourself though not to do too much that would cause burn out; sometimes you could prioritise your self care and miss things. But for more special things/days/events ask them
Holly_B said:asking them to wait would be “selfish”, according to my friends and family I’ve talked to
I won't agree with it. It's perfectly normal to ask friend/family member to adjust a bit so you could keep up, for them it's piece a cake, and if they're refusing to do it, it is selfish, and means they do not care about you at all, or rather think of you ''if she can't ber used. she's no good to us''. To adjust is exactly the thing I would expect from a friend otherwise they're not a friend at all.
But it's a difficult thing to do, I have only started trying that recently, and with one of my friends it's not going well, but other two l;ooks like they got it that I need it to be able to function now when I reached burnout phase. But most of us thinks that there is only the first and third of choices mentioned by you available and go with first, I thought that too. But there is always what I call The Third Invisible Choice. you're very mature already if you can see it, go with second option.
Another thing they did to your perception of self - you're comparing yourself to them, (btw that's how they organised the world - so everyone feels inadept, and susceptive to guilt trips), nobody should do it, and if you really must, then compare yourself to your vision of self in a future, or someone who's your peer.
there is a girl, she is talking about many of those issues on her website, feeling of inadequacy and shame among them https://neurodivergentrebel.com/ though it's more like ranting :D It makes me rage as well to think about all those things that we are forced to accept as the way it is