Useful Strategies

Thanks Jon. I think that what you say is right I will leave it for now.

thanks again.

If you don't feel she needs to know then that maybe answers your question. In the future you may find there might come a time where telling her would be of mutual benifit. However, if at the moment you are coping and happy in your job then you are probably right in thinking she does not need to know.

......and roll on 20/06/13

Hi Jon and Hope. Thanks for your input. My main problem just now is that I am renting a room at a friends ( my only friend ) house untill my new flat becomes ready, I have been there for six month now and although i am greatfull for her hospitality, at the weekends she has friends over and lots of comings and goings with things happening and music playing. I do my very best to fit in and be socible but i find by Sunday I am realy stressed. The good news is that i will get the keys to my new flat on the 20/06/13 and will be living on my own again so i will be able to get a routine for myself and hopefully start to look forward to the weekends. May I ask your advice on another matter ? I have been only resently been dianosed with ASD and my friend say's that i should tell my boss at work that I have ASD but i don't know if i should or not. Altough she is A very nice and undrestanding person ( My boss that is ) and i have worked with her for ten years now but i don't feel that she needs to know.  

Sunday used to be my worst day but now it is my best, most relaxing day. The reason for this is that I use it to read my books in peace and quiet, after a chilled out breakfast with my parents - this is always at the same time each week. I follow a predictable routine, and there is no noise or chaos. Therefore, I am at my most relaxed. If I did not have a time out day, I would be very stressed during the week.

whatanoodlehead said:

I start to take notes and in this way the person I am talking to see's me taking notes and thinks that i am taking an intrest in what there are saying and also looking at the note pad helps me break eye contact with them without seeming to be rude.

I might try this - if only to try and absorb and remeber what has been talked about. So many times a meeting might end and I have been concentrating on 'acting the part' and have missed the content.

Routine for me is essential too. Doing the same things are very reassuring and I can operate best when I can avoid the unexpected. Sundays used to be a dreadful day for me but it has now become pretty well planned and I quite look forwards to it: run, cooked brekfast, work on a track, go on the net, go to bar and play chess, come home, watch DVD and eat pizza....bed :)

Hi Stonechat. I ether don't say anything or rabbit on in diffrent tangents blurting out fack and figures. It's realy difficult to get the balance right i find. the worst thing about going to the supermarket is when you go in only to find that they have moved all the produce to diffrent shelfs and diffrent places , why do they do that ???? nightmare !!!!.

Hi Hope. I can't get the hang of weekends at all. I worry about them a lot all week. Because there is no strucure or proper order to them anything could happen. even if you make plans for the weekend they could all change and that would get my stress leves up. Have you any ideas how I could get more from my weekends reather than just hinding and waiting for monday ? 

whatanoodlehead: I find that note taking strategy helps me too, particularly at meetings where there are a lot of people. I also gaze at my paper even when not taking notes, as it helps me concentrate and is not seen as rude.

Stonechat: I use chocolate, crisps, and other comfort food as a reward, too; they are great motivators for social interaction and other stressful challenges that I set myself.

I used to shop very early but this is not always possible now with my complex lifestyle. My strategy is to do two or three small shops a week because I can then be out of the supermarket quicker, and I have not got so many things to think about.

Sundays are my dedicated reading day. I have a very chilled day: have breakfast at 10am with parents, they then go out all day, and I have a quiet house all to myself. I can then read for up to 4 hours, have a relaxing bath, and visit the quiet corner shop for a newspaper or a treat. I use Sunday to recuperate my energies in preparation for the new week when the stress starts up again - it prevents me from getting overloaded by the stress of the week.

autismtwo - 'briefly and specifically' is so hard to do when my mind is screaming out for me to begin the story at the absolute beginning and plough through to the end including absolutely every detail. 

Telling an abbreviated version leaves me with the feeling that I have only conveyed half of what is necessary - but at least it leaves me with some friends!!  

Stonechat, good points,, Brief and specifically, that something I will need to learn to do more off (excuse the pun).  

Hi whatanoodlehead, your phone strategy sounds as though it is effective. The fact that you are thinking in terms of talking to the telephone and not directly about the person on the other end, must deflect some of the anxiety. 
I seem to be okay once I get on the phone - all that ringing and anticipation seems to be the barrier I have to get over. 

My strategy for not monopolising the conversation once I get on the phone, which used to be a real problem for me, is to let the other person talk on their subjects first. If they ask anything about any of my favourite subjects then I answer the question as briefly and specifically as I can. I think this is actually working, even though I still find it quite difficult to hold back.

Your note-taking strategy for meetings is a good one.
Someone suggested looking at the persons forehead just above the eyes - but I tried that and find it is still too close to be comfortable with.

When i have to do a one to one meeting I take a pen and note pad and when i find I can no longer make eye contact I start to take notes and in this way the person I am talking to see's me taking notes and thinks that i am taking an intrest in what there are saying and also looking at the note pad helps me break eye contact with them without seeming to be rude.

I find it helpfull if I am talking on the phone to pretened that I am just talking to the phone itself, and there is no one on the other end just me and the phone. I know this sounds weird but it helps me  

Silver100 - your experience of the telephone sounds much like my own. My own problem is a combination of the noise of the ring and then not knowing what will be on the other end if I answer it. At least with the answer-phone I get to know that. However, as soon as the phone rings my heart starts racing, waiting to see if it is a voice I recognise or not.  I don't know what the solution to that is. 

I also find a near empty supermarket bearable, though I still travel slowly round the shelves to try to cope with all that information. I also have to avoid the freezer aisles. 

Zem - I like my chocolate too, but am not sure if that could be classed as a coping strategy. It makes me feel good though - so I suppose it is. In my case it is more of a reward than a 'calmer'.

I find coffee and chocolate very useful, though they're probably not recommended from a health point of view.

And I have rules and routines for just about everything.  I take systemizing to the extreme!

On the phone issue, I also don't answer it. I have two the one downstairs I only use for the ringer as I have the upstairs ringer switched off because it was much too loud on the quietest setting.  I also have set it to 3 rings before the answer phone kicks in. I never give out my number. If I have to fill in a website box I may enter the area code then all zeros as no-one has all zeros. Sometimes the page will accept all zeros for the whole number.  If I have an official form to fill in I write on the form that I cannot use the phone and give a friend's phone number and my email address.  As a result I seldom get phone calls and then only from very few people that know about the AS and I can talk to on the phone.

Another thing I do is go to the supermarket very early on Saturday when there is no-one there or just one or two who are the same people each week. I go to one that doesn't play music very often though it does have a very annoying 'talking' moving slope. I don't use that, but the stairs as I cannot stand people behind me.

Jon,

I agree, routine and controlled zoning cuts out the social confusion, aka EMOTION of the day. So when you do find confusion, external emotion causing you internal emotion,, you can relax more in non-emotion non anxiety state by accepting the confusion until the emotion(normal a person) goes away. Hope that makes sense

I agree:

Routines - I find the essential.

I need to know waht I am doing each day.

I find breaking my day up into zones of routine, allows me to focus better and have a sense of more control overall. It reminds me I am not stuck in a zone and fear being overwhelmed.

Start the day in a good zone and finish the day in a good zone.. Aka morning,, walk to shop and buy breakfast and cook it at home, that grounds me(day foundation). Last thing at night, music from the radio and a good book to read, with snack in bed.(comfort). Also I find morning routine walk and breakfast stops my mind jumping into the day overthinking. The zones cuts down on the confusion or limits the confusion, it allows me to return to a state of balance quicker knowing I am going back into safe zone(s) later.

Hi  - I don't think you are far wrong with the 'acting'.

Do we have the choice of just the two things?
Either trying to behave as an NT person would expect, by making eye contact and keeping it whilst they are talking,  i.e. 'acting normal', but not getting anything from that eye contact except the stress in trying to do it and the distraction from what the person is actually saying.

Or trying to read those minute eye expressions that we can probably never learn anything from because they are gone, changed into something else long before we can interpret them.  Again, a distraction from what the person is actually saying with words, and personally, far to difficult and stressful for me. 

As a female, I do the occasional nod and head shake to show that I am listening. With people I know, it is easier, but I still find them bobbing around sometimes to get in my eyeline, which tells me I need to make face or eye contact, if only briefly.

It makes the whole process of conversation a very tiring and complicated business.  

It comes down to acting then?

I find that I often convey the  wrong message and fail to interpret people correctly. I think that I would rather be more comfortable with myself getting it wrong than actually worrying about getting it right all the time. I know that with some people I am more relaxed with and I can be more myself eg not having to look at them all the time.

Are there situations where you could say 'I have Aspergers - its not such a big deal :-) - I am hearing you loud and clear even though I may not always be looking at you. I can think and listen better when I am looking away. Its just one of those things. If you want calrification from me just be direct - I will be direct with you  too :-)

'I tend to go for happy/cheerful (over the top) as much as I can as that seems safest'

I find myself doing that too - although its really draining  and I can feel very frustrated and unsatisfied by the encounter though.