Looking for people to connect with

Hi sphynx, I see you posted this a few days ago so I hope you are feeling better.  You used to play recorder.  I am also a recorder player, it is a lovely instrument.  I mainly play music by Handel, Telemann, Loeillet and Hotteterre.  Why did you stop playing?  Happy to chat!

Hi, thank you very much for your reply. Lovely to hear about your recorder playing! I stopped because of a combination of performance anxiety and experiences that knocked my confidence.

Still pretty lonely - had some painful friendship situations recently so it may persist for a while. Thank you, a chat would be nice :)

Hi, thank you very much for your reply. Lovely to hear about your recorder playing! I stopped because of a combination of performance anxiety and experiences that knocked my confidence.

Still pretty lonely - had some painful friendship situations recently so it may persist for a while. Thank you, a chat would be nice :)

Autimator said:

But, the conscious mind can get in the way of things flowing, learning to manage the mind so that its calm for long enough.

It is the egoic awareness that gets in the way of the conscious mind's creative / intuitive flow, rather than as such the other way around.

Learning to listen inwardly to the comparative silence that all other sounds become clear through ~ is one recommended methodology for tapping more into the vitalising / guiding essence of the creative / intuitive flow, if that might be of some assistance. 

Yes, many times I've been in flow state for a long time and suddenly it stops and then realise I am dying for the loo, desperate for a drink, and hungry.  You try being prepared and put food and a drink in front of you before you start, but usually don't think of it so its untouched.

I have bits and pieces of flow state really, still work to do on managing thoughts that stop it flowing.

It can help to engage with other autistic people even they feel different, because there will be common aspects but also not share some things with others.

Yes! Flow state. Exactly. When I am deeply involved in something (such as when I was drawing) time means nothing, I don’t think about eating or drinking, I just get completely immersed in my work. I miss that so much. I need to find a way to get back to it. My son is also feeling very adrift at the moment as he is not currently hugely engaged in any interest or activity. We’ve both really lost our way. We go out for walks most days just to get out of the house and I often feel we’re like a couple of lost souls wandering in the wilderness. That’s why I came on here - because we were both struggling and I was looking to connect with other autistic people  who I could relate to and see if they’d experienced similar difficulties. Which of course many have. 

Flow state, get that going and its bliss.  But, the conscious mind can get in the way of things flowing, learning to manage the mind so that its calm for long enough.  I'm better, but more to do.

Its worth trying ideas that can shift the focus from the self, all autistics are different so no guarantees any ideas will be work, but give them a go.

That’s really interesting - thank you. My son also struggles sometimes with focus and concentration (so do I). We have to be super engaged with something to be really focused on it - like many autistic people I suppose. I think we will get a keyboard :) 

Listening to music is good, but learning to play is better - you have to focus more, and that will take your mind of thoughts/anxiety/stress.  At around 10 my parents bought a small keyboard, probably as I had learned the recorder, it was basic but it sparked something, I learned to copy bits of music in the charts and later tried to play whole songs from sheet music books but it was impossible to focus clearly on it all the way through and made mistakes, or suddenly confused about the notes.   Happens in other things I do, suddenly lose coordination or forget how to do something, but then it all comes back as suddenly.

So, yes, buy a keyboard, start with a cheap one and see if it sparks something...

Thank you for your very kind words - I really appreciate that. It great that you’re continuing to compose. I’ve often thought what a wonderful thing it must be to compose music. I’ve considered getting my son a keyboard of some kind as he is struggling with depression and ocd at the moment - he’s out of college as a result and I feel he might benefit from something to engage him and distract him from ruminating on the things that are making him unhappy. Listening to music is one of the few things that lifts his spirits at the moment. 
Wishing you all the best with your music - it’s a shame you can’t post some pieces on here - it would be wonderful to hear them! 

Thank you very much for your solidarity. I’m so sorry to hear you have been unable to engage with your art - to be forcibly detached from a best friend is devastating. I hope you find paths back into your work when you’re ready to make your way there.

I have been lucky in that I didn’t use my instruments to compose, so composition has continued and I’m about to finish my Masters partly focused on that facet of my creative practice. But I do quite deeply regret stopping playing at times, to the extent that hearing recorder and flute, or even hearing people talk about them, can be painful.

I am also not able to do my work (I am an artist) due to having been very ill last year and the anxiety and PTSD that has resulted from that experience. It’s very hard to not feel able to do the thing you love, the thing you have relied on for many years. So I relate to what you say here. I also find it ‘painful and scary’ - and I can imagine how difficult it must be to have this issue regarding  playing a musical instrument. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I hope the situation improves for you at some point soon - and that you can find a way to move past the barriers you currently face. 
I remember Maggi Hambling saying “make your Art your best friend”. Art was like a best friend to me, something I could turn too, something that would absorb me and take my mind away from my worries an anxieties. To not have that at th3 moment does indeed feel like being estranged from a treasured friend. 

I'm so sorry to hear that.  At least you have your composing. I too have had breaks from my music, sometimes for several years and it has always been there waiting for me when I've been ready to start playing again.

Thank you for your good wishes, I hope you find the same when you are ready.

I love that, thank you :) Tiny autistic guardian angels would be brilliant, but as you say hard to find

No trouble, I just try and pass on advice or ideas that might help.  Autistic people can kind of need another autistic person sat on there shoulder ready to step in and warn us or give advice, but of course that can't happen, tiny autistic people are rarer than normal sized ones.

Ah of course, Thich Nhat Hanh - I love how he has worked to create an ecoBuddhist movement. Thank you for the link.

I have been working on the clinginess, and always give people space when they ask for it, but there’s a long way to go before I find a balance.

The selectiveness is harder to explain. Again, I have been working on it, but it’s not easy to find those deep, mutual connections - for anyone maybe, that’s partly why they’re so special.

Thank you for replying so consistently and in so much depth by the way, it’s very generous

https://plumvillage.org/podcasts/the-way-out-is-in/

Thich Nhat Hanh died recently but he was a Vietnamese Buddhist monk that set up Plum Village Tradition, his version of Buddhism I guess.  Known as the 'father of mindfulness', not actually his idea as ancient thing but he led to it becoming popular worldwide.

Too clingy is not good, and no cling at all is not good either - you can lose people either way.  Staying in between is best.  

Being too selective means you might not find anyone that fits, and you might learn more about people and yourself from people different to yourself and who you might normally try and connect with.

I can relate somewhat as I've been too open and naive in the past and now feel I need to be more selective, but not too selective.

Twitter is good, you can find most autistic people by searching for #ActuallyAutistic which is used to indicate you are actually autistic, as people without autism tend to use #autism a lot such as health professionals or parents, and its hard to find autistic people that way.

A lot of young autistic people, so ideal for him.  Obviously not just UK autistic people, but plenty are.  I don't use Facebook and not a fan but I know there are autistic groups you can join.

It helped me to see other autistic people talking openly about autism and themselves, even if mostly younger than me.  I didn't join in first, but gradually started.

You can use search keywords to find autistic people into similar things, or with similar views.

You can follow autistic people and get updates from them on your feed - or go browsing.

You can also share your own things and put #ActuallyAutistic and other autistic people will come across it.

You also have autism advocates, talking about important autistic things and sharing advice.

I haven’t come across ‘The way out is in.’ How are you finding it? Something I should look into?

They don’t want to be in contact right now. I don’t know how long to leave before getting in touch. They have felt like someone I could be (and have at times been) close to, one in a very rare few, who have also been slipping away for various reasons. I know I’m too clingy, so I do need to be careful about that.

Yes, social media is a good place for potential connections. Definitely true about taking risks when reaching out - I’m very selective with who I think of as a friend, although that doesn’t always mean I get the depth of sharing right with everyone. Some people have suggested I’m too selective. Is any of that relatable?

Where are these social media places where autistic people can chat etc? My son is wanting to connect with other young autistic people and we’ve being trying to find good places to do this online. Any advice on this would be very welcome :) 

I stumbled across 'The way out is in', and that is what I've been doing pretty much anyway recently, for now anyway.

Its not straightforward between autistic people, its a shame that's happened without feedback so we can understand whats happened, learn from it if its our fault.  Have you contacted them to ask about it?

Craving closeness is a human thing, but autistic people take risks reaching out to others, and its finding the right people - and making sure we can give back too, what they need.  Getting to know people well is vital, to be more sure.  You can do that here or there is social media where autistic people are active, engage with others and see what happens.

Ah I’m sorry you also suffer with performance anxiety. Playing for yourself is a great idea and one that others have also suggested to me. The difficulty for the last few years has been that the thought of holding an instrument fills me with grief and a kind of anticipation of being frozen in a place of not knowing what to do, which feels painful and scary.
Having said that, I hope your playing brings you all the beautiful things it can :)

Thank you. Your first paragraph in particular resonates with me. I think until now, I (and everyone else) assumed this was down to depression/low self-esteem. But these can themselves be connected with autistic struggles. Thank you for helping me articulate that in this context.

I hope you find sources of healing for the painful relational experiences you’ve gone through. It can be really painful, and it’s a struggle I know many of us on the spectrum share. So we’re not alone, and we have each other’s solidarity.

In the case of the specific friendship difficulties I’m experiencing right now, both the other people are either diagnosed or have many autistic traits. So unless I’m a spectrum imposter, I don’t think it can be a double empathy thing. It’s just so hard to know what if anything I did wrong to trigger a rift, and how/whether the connection can be repaired. I’m not prepared to let go, but I also can’t imagine having the kind of closeness I crave right now.

Hope some of that makes sense. Apologies for being self-absorbed