Getting up late

I have some similar sleep patters. All my life (I am 52) i can sleep 12 hours plus, never wake up refreshed. Only 2 years ago when I realised I had ASD did I relize why.  Sleep is my escape from the world. I have a dominant part of my brain that makes me get up for work etc, it is weaker than it was but still dominated me ASD side. 

Thankfully nobody judges what time I get up, my wife is up stuipdily early as she has a horse to sort out each morning. When I was living at home in my 20's my dad thought I sould be up by 8 everyday, even weekends. Some people just have no clue, it is what they consider normal. Mind you I was convinced at the end my dad also had ASD.

That sounds familiar! My mother in particular has often pointed out that I'll take as a criticism something that was more of an off-handed remark. I have got better about spotting the genuine jibes from the 'banter' and trying to put space around my internal reaction in the initial moment of processing it. An example of a comment that initially hurt me, but I can see the humour in now is when my uncle one day found me at home when he called with my oarents and said 'Sure what sort of job is that?' I was just starting late to finish late or something, but the implied assumption (or so I saw it at the time) was that my job was somehow being judged, and me along with it. But he was just 'sleggin'' - as they say in my part of the world - good natured light mockery as a surface way of bonding, exactly as you describe.

Yes I probably have DSPS so I've had snide remarks from people ever since I was a teenager, mostly family members.

Naturally I feel like it's extremely grating. However something it took me way too long to figure out is that when people make those kinds of remarks it isn't usually meant to be as hostile as it feels. Ribbing is meant to be a kind of bonding experience. A sort of like, affectionate way of them letting you know that they love you for all your quirks, I guess? The difficult part is that sometimes people do almost the exact same thing in a passive-aggressive way and it's typically hard to tell apart.

So I find that when confronting people for it they don't understand why I'm so offended and think I'm being unreasonable. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with this in a while but I think if I did, maybe I would talk to them to explain my perspective and try to bridge the gap in understanding?

I feel you in your sleep patterns, I'll also often sleep 10 plus hrs if left alone!

I'm sorry you're both worried about money, it is really difficult I feel for you.

Thank you Shardovan, that is exactly what I needed to hear! Your situation does sound extremely like mine.  I will try and keep the positives in mind and hold on to moving day! In the meantime I'll keep coming back to your lovely message.

I'm so pleased you have managed to be in your own space again, and you're completely right about us doing pretty well!

I'm sorry to hear you can't work flexibly, it really has made all the difference to my ability to work. I'm impressed you can stay awake, I pretty much fall flat on my face every night!

I had to spend a couple of years there back living with parents in my forties whike I saved up for a new place, and as grateful as I was for that, and as supportive as they were, it's hard not to let old patterns from yesteryear take hold. On both sides. My dad in particular would never miss a chance to point out if I was running 'late' (even though I've explained countless times that my start time and corresponding end time can be a little flexible) - looking in mock astonishement at the clock and saying 'You're leaving... now?' It would always make me feel like I was an adolescent disappointing a parent, rather than one of three adults sharing a living space. Thankfully it wasn't that kind of vibe 24/7, but I'm not a morning person so choosing that moment to do the 'you're late' routine had me on my last nerve even starting the day, and quite needlessly. But we are who we are, and I know that my appearance of disorganisation probably sincerly got on my dad's wick to the point where he couldn't help himself. 

Since last August, I have my own place. I have drifted into following my own biorhythms, so am fairly nocturnal, will sleep in on a day off work, or will lie on for as long as I can get away with on an actual working day. This feels more in tune with my authentic self - I'm no longer required to observe the lights-out-by-midnight routine that wasn't exactly enforced but basically expected at home. And having my own very bespoke morning routine uncompromised by comments, local radio turned up too high in the background, etc. is something I will never take for granted. My parents are great, but I think I just need solitude and flexibility in the mornings to function. And now, for the first time in a good while, I have that aagin. Please keep the faith about that moving date, Trilby. It will happen. 

And in the meantime, try to take the good out of your situation - easy for me to say now I'm out of it I know! In some ways it's a precious gift to get to spend more of life with your parents than many others get the chance to. Of course, a healthy balance is good too! And knowing there's an end-point makes it psychologically easier to bear. 

Also, having recently found out that 20% of 'high functioning' autistic people are in full-time ongoing work (I'm in that minority too), it helped me appreciate that I'm not an underachiever (always a relative term anyway) but amd actually doing pretty well. Same goes for you - you're holding down a job with relatively minimal adjustments to help you fuction at your best in it. It's a really positive situation, so don't let yourself or your job feel diminished by a raised eyebrow or comment about how it accomodates you to your/its mutual benefit. 

Not sure how helpful those musings are, but you did say it was mostly about not feeling alone so I hope I've helped a tiny bit. 

Maybe approach it with humour with your dad. I find humour helps me deal with things and lightens the load. But it takes practise!

It's not natural for human bodies to be shocked awake by alarms but I find if I'm in a routine I wake up just before my alarm anyway as I think a lot of people do. The only time Ive never had a problem with getting up was just after lockdown eased and I went back into work. It's good your employers are flexible. 

I'm fortunate that my parents accept my sleep pattern, but, yes, I really struggle with mornings.  I work in an office two days a week and manage to get up early those days, but the other days I really struggle to get up and stay up.  Left to wake naturally, I will often sleep for ten or more hours.  I also often feel more tired in the morning than when I went to bed.

I wish I had a solution.  I feel it's related to autistic exhaustion and burnout, but I'm not sure how exactly or what to do about it.  My fiancee and I both worry about how we will support ourselves if I don't work more, especially as she can't work full-time either.  I would like to look for additional work for some of my non-work days, but it's hard when I am asleep or incredibly tired in the mornings.

both insensitive family members and work colleagues is something I have to face

unfortunately flexible adjustments is a myth in jobs I get to do

my solution to problems with falling asleep and waking up or just plain insomnia turned out to be going to bed every other day, then you're so wasted you fall on your face and fall asleep in a second, just don't let yourself sleep more then 8h or you wake up more tired