Why can’t you just be like the other children? Late diagnosed or self diagnosed adults, Can we forgive parents?

Well okay then, I just wanted to be sure.

You've got your full answer, from me, already. 

I didn't think a big ask Sperg, and a week is plenty long enough considering I don't need an essay response, you still have that 1 DM left under parle terms (bear in mind you DM'ed me first, which I didn't consent to either) it's only by good grace that I didn't consider it as further harrassment after I ws forced to respond to you thusly in another thread:

🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:

Do not talk to me again, otherwise I will be forced to report you because this inability of yours to let these vivid imaginings go once politely corrected, and I have been nothing but polite til now, is now harassment.

You chose to DM me after that point, and that is what gives me the authority to set terms of our continued interaction.
I pressed for the answer in DM's because it's not fair to be doing this (derailing yet another innocent bystanders thread) yet again.

I Sperg said:

Your "Bambi" suggestion, however was excellent; "If you haven't got anything nice to say, then say nothing".

Let's you and me do our best to stick to that, eh?

Still fine by me if that's what you want to do, I only ask to be notified that's what has been chosen so we can be on the same page. I don't want to make you feel pressured as the choice is yours but I did require answer sooner since you already started to reply to me again on other threads already. It's best if we don't leave these things open to misinterpretation and actually have it done and dusted.

It's a serious response, so I'm not editting out the now obvious misspellings and awkward phrasing, because that could be interpreted as "changing my narrative". Sorry about that. Makes it slightly lumpier reading than it should be. My bad.

Isn't that a little abusive?

You only allowed me to make ONE response under the extensive conditions you set out in your D.M. You further informed me that I needed to THINK about my response and take my time, which I have been doing, and I wrote most of that response yesterday in between other tasks and will now discard, in favour of a public response, since you air the matter in the public arena. (which is good) 

Although I am unsure who gave you the authority to set out demands on how I conduct myself on this forum, I've been twisting myself in knots to find a response that will satisfy your expressions of outrage at my very existence and way of thinking and requirement that I adopt different thinking as you lay out in your five key non negotiable demands. 

IN truth, I cannot, I believe this is a "trust and safeguarding issue" beyond my ability to resolve, and have accordingly decided to just disengage any private communication, forget any hope I may have had at being able to cool things down as far as the problems you've stirred up for yourselves are concerned, and get on with my own business here. I'm not panning to avoid you or give you any special treatment, based on our previous interactions, you are just the same as me, another person on an AUTISM forum.   

Your "Bambi" suggestion, however was excellent; "If you haven't got anything nice to say, then say nothing".

Let's you and me do our best to stick to that, eh?

I come from a Catholic family but I wasn't talking to you, so refrain from talking to me unless you have an answer to the discussion specifically under parle in the DM. ( I won't warn you again.)

You can ask the guys in the big hats and fine robes or your can ask God directly.

Otherwise, good advice..

I know you are knowledgeable about LGBT matters, but do you actually have any working knowledge of Christianity, or any recognised qualifications to support your giving this man spiritual advice?

I just got back from working, and I've given it some more thought: as you hold your faith very dearly it's clear that you are likely only going to get the definitive answer you need from talking to people who are actually connected with your faith specifically.
Perhaps go into town where there are a lot of Catholic churches you've not previously been to and go talk to each priest for yourself. At least that way you will know for sure if it was just  flawed human attitudes of people your childhood or whether what they said stands true in the faith today.
Because in this subject area strangers on the internet no matter how well meaning are going to fall short of being able to really give you that answer so you need to seek out the real people of God (priest,monk,nun,etc)  you feel you need to talk to.

Best wishes to you Irish, I hope you find the answer and some peace.

Irish. As you know religion generally and Christianity particularly get short shrift these days,

As you have (correctly) noticed, religions are run by PEOPLE and often other agendas (or simply human failing) are mixed in with the "word" which makes it very hard for a man to figure out f it's God actually "punishing" you, or whether you have the wrong end of the stick...

Fortunately, God & Jesus make certain promises and assertions which are very clear, and best of all for a mind like mine, testable.... 

I said to God in my prayers, "I want to know". I told him I was more than happy to accept him as supreme being, emotionally,  but if you want me to work for you I need to know more and understand how it all works to my satisfaction. 

It's taken me several decades, to get a bit of "faith" and enough understanding to understand both how incredibly arrogant I was to demand directly to God that he reveal himself to me, whilst others would not get such a revelation, but it did say in the bible very clearly "Ask and you shall receive", and it seemed very straightforward and un-ambiguous, so I ASKED. And I kept asking...

God did NOT show up and address me directly in my living room as I half envisioned should be the case, nor did he punish me extra for my insolence. Oh no.

As is the way of God, I started getting more opportunities to learn, some J.W.'s turned up at my door and I asked them my questions (You know, all that "why does God permit my suffering" stuff, that Athiests seem to think proves that there is no Creator) and my understanding of the little things that make.up everything grew..

Until one day, I realised that the most advanced human scientific understandings of the universe, (quantum theory, string theory) all pointed to one inescapable conclusion, "the closer we observe the fundamentals that EVERYTHING is made from, the less actual substance we find but more complexity". Which kinda makes the idea that god made everything out of nothing, still incomprehensible, but now backed up by cutting edge science... 

little by little I got more pointers and indicators and my attitude became less querulous and annoyed and more secure and content as I came to realise that there is actually a creator and I am not carrying the weight of being an example of the ultimate being. I can no accept that some stuff is above my paygrade, incomprehensible to me, but still part of a great creation, driven by an unfolding plan at which I can only marvel at the small bits I can comprehend..

My prayers became more thankful for what I actually have and I found that a desire to be a part of that plan whatever it may be, has been growing steadily.  My wish to get out of my grim personal circumstances gave way to a huge curiosity to learn more, about what God actually wants, and "get with the program". 

I feel overall that if indeed, god can (as promised) reconstitute us after death and give us our just reward, I'd like my acts in life to have "counted" for something, and my attitude be up to the task of dealing with an eternal life, rather than dying full of resentment of all the injustices and stuff, stuff that TBH, is utterly trivial in the context of eternal life.

God isn't soft, what we call life is both a filter and training for those who's nature and inclination allows them to conceive of an order where they have a place and a role to play.   

Prioritising money, power, sexual gratification, or the next high, get in the way of reaching our full human potential, they are NOT our full human potential. 

No matter what the other side tries to sell us.

Once you truly acknowledge that God exists, whether you get there by faith, by belief in your early life programming, or following the scientific method as I did, (I've had gloss over the details and keep it simple so there's a chance I can get this post done & dusted before it's time to do film night!) then the universe does make a bit more sense, and your tribulations and problems at least take on a less nightmarish perspective.

Do let me know please, if anything I have written actually challenges your faith or understanding of God. He's provided me with a lot of knowledge, and if I've got it right, as a fellow Christian but of a different type we are certainly pointed in the same direction, so your sort of feedback (rare as it is these days!) is valuable to me. 

IrishInManchesterUK said:

I often feel that if I got chatting to a priest, monk or Nun who was a real person of God rather than the ones I’ve met and experienced, maybe this would be the way to resolve this 

I think that would be very healthy for you, not just mentally but spiritually too.

You sound so incredibly stuck and as though you are still searching for some compassion and understanding.Everyone has their own tragic story to tell and I cannot imagine what you went through.

I wonder, would it be worth asking this community what has helped them to move on? 

It is a big thing in Irish Catholic culture - we Irish, especially of my age, were never really encouraged to have any sense of self-esteem or self-worth growing up and that has largely been because of various interpretations of Catholic Social Teaching over several decades, even since the 1970’s when I was a child growing up in Rural Ireland - any attempt to do so would have resulted in a good hard “clip across the ear” and being sharply told to “cop yourself on” - over the years I’ve tried to shake it off in various ways including via counselling and it has not worked - I often feel that if I got chatting to a priest, monk or Nun who was a real person of God rather than the ones I’ve met and experienced, maybe this would be the way to resolve this 

Before we had all the stuff about mental health issues that we have today, especially in Rural areas, we only had the local Parish Priest and in those days, his word was law, enforced by the police sergeant, doctor, headmaster and others in the local village - we were given a set of instructions and told to follow them to the letter and the others would ensure that we did so - there was a total refusal to understand anything else from “the likes of us” back then, because our total obedience without question to authority was everything, in order to maintain traditional values - the church’s traditional teachings at the time were totally against the idea of self esteem (regarded as the sin of false pride) - any disobedience or attempt to question anything was met with severe corporal punishment in order to save our souls from evil - even though I was born in 1970, I had this ultra traditional approach as a child and I was summoned to the priests house and the police station many times to receive triple corporal punishment for being bullied in school, while my parents were constantly condemned from the pulpit for being “bad” parents, as it was deemed that I was inviting and attracting such bullying behaviour by my own behaviour as I was deemed “not right in the head” and had “no cop on” 

Did the spam filter get you Irish? I got a notification saying you'd responded but when I clicked and loaded into the thread it isn't here.

I am sorry but I really don't understand what you are saying here. In your earlier post you seemed to be advocating the strict, disciplinary approach you might have had from your grandparents. You also say that your Autism is punishment from God. Now you appear to be reproaching people who have tried to insist on your compliance and told you you were in the wrong.

Maybe you are playing devil's advocate here?  

It's really sad you've been made to feel that way - about all of it. I hope one day you'll feel the same love and compassion and accceptance for yourself as Jesus would have shown you.

It reflects how already, just like with mental health issues in general, so many people simply refuse to understand, where they think that we are “making “lame” excuses” for certain behaviours that are seen by them as “negative” and similar and where they firmly believe and maintain that the “only” way to “correct” our issues is by thier imposing of ultra strict Millitary-style discipline, regarding us as “wrong” in all things (by default) because of our condition and don’t want to hear anything from us, except the silence of compliance and total obedience to thier commands without question, protest, objection nor any other comment - I put down what I’ve had screamed at me down the phone since my diagnosis and earlier, after family had “encouraged” (instructed/ordered) me to get a diagnosis in 2019 as some family members are ex-millitary officers with that mindset and who think that they are “doing good” by this approach - any time I’ve ever tried to explain anything, I’ve simply been screamed at that I “don’t understand that I’m wrong” and that I need to “cop onto myself and grow up” - they want a whole intervention team to come in and totally take charge of everything, every little thing right down to the smallest details of every aspect of my life and frankly, I don’t even think  that they would ever even listen to the autism experts at this point, because they are such huge believers in the value of the disciplinary-based mindset in managing this condition 

Hello Emerald, sounds to me like you are doing so much already: describing your son in such a positive way; looking for professional help; persevering even when pushed away. There are 2 things that stand out for me:

Firstly, I would get some advice on safeguarding. Villains can smell vulnerability and your son has been the victim of unscrupulous people in the past.

Secondly, I would think about how well you are looking after yourself. As parents we can find ourselves disappearing as we make our child the focus of everything. Is there a hobby you enjoy or a circle of friends you can reconnect with, where you can immerse yourself in something else or get some relief from the pressures. 

I can hear your desperation as you see your son languishing, My daughter experienced a whole range of emotional reactions to her diagnosis. She has found psychotherapy very useful in processing her trauma (as an aside CBT for her was torture, in common with many with Autism). 

I hope this is helpful, Sue

hello i am new on here too. i am a 53 year old asd man the reason i am writing to you is because your son sounds quite similar to me at that age

i was a happy child but a very angry young man and now looking back that a lot of that came from being clever and high functioning enough to pass but not high functioning enough to ever really properly fit in

i used marajuana because it helped me deal with these feelings. i put my mother through a lot but she was always there for me. even if i was out of contact for a long periods with the unconditional love of a mother she would invite me into the house feed me and give me cash, buy me clothes

i want you to know that was the hardest time of my life and things have improved for me a lot since then and i think they will for your son too. it takes a long time to come to terms with it and find your place in a cruel world and to make your peace with it.

carry on being a great parent, being patient with that love and support, and yes dont nag or cojole or push him that wont help, and be aware there may well be more setbacks and failures along the way

I am an unrepentant weed consumer, BUT the deal I make with myself is that I don't smoke on a workday for when |I get up to until I leave my workplace.

None of the aeroplanes I ever maintained in six years either went in, or were returned with complaints, which is more than I can say for the more "respectable" engineers I worked with. I could tell you some lurid stories of what THEY did, but I have none of my own. 

That only smoke after work works really well and leads to a "having your cake and eating it" situation.

If he can avoid alcohol, it's also a good long term healthier option, than regular drinking, all my "drinker" buddies are wrecks, but I can still climb a tree, and can stay out of the dubious clutches of the medical profession in my sixties.