Virtual Machine

Hi,

I am 37 (male) with a long history of depression, anxiety, relatively poor executive function, and a whole host of difficulties (social, financial etc.) arising from/exacerbated by these problems. My 'go to' explanation for all this, basically that my negative qualities outweigh the positive and inevitably lead to poor outcomes, is obviously reductive and unhelpful.

A couple of years back, one therapist told me that I should consider ASD as a possibility. I was dismissive at the time, reasoning that my folks, both mental health professionals and dedicated parents, would not have allowed me to slip through that net as a child. I have recently been reconsidering what she (the therapist) said, and have been going down the 'dr. google' route, taking all sorts of self-administered tests with mixed results that tended towards the idea that I do have ASD. I wanted to both acknowledge that the tests have some validity, but also to question the results by trying to compare my personal history and internal experience with some of the (widely-accepted) traits associated with autism. My thoughts in summary are:

Sensory Processing: As far as I can tell, my sensory processing is not far from neurotypical, with hypersensitivity in some areas. The same goes for motor skills and balance; I would say I am LESS clumsy than the 'average person' and MORE able to sit still, though I do indulge in some 'weird' and childlike patterns of movement when I'm alone, and my handwriting is just about legible at it's very best. My sensory/bodily experience is I think, the strongest evidence that I DON'T belong on the spectrum.

Language/communication: My 'natural' way of communicating doesn't closely follow social context and can sometimes make me seem odd or overly formal ("Why are you talking about this at a party?" Or "Hello? I'm your wife, not your colleague/student/bank manager"). This is less pronounced than all the people I know with confirmed diagnoses. I have very little problem understanding jokes, idioms, picking up irony and sarcasm, and I can recognise (if not entirely relate to) concepts like false modesty and reputation management. I have more difficulty with flat out lies which are obvious to a third party. I am a horribly unconvincing liar myself but still try when I have calculated it is the socially 'correct' thing to do, in contrast with confirmed autistic people I know.  My 'reading' of body language and facial expressions is more at the level of my Spanish (mediocre, with frequent misunderstandings) than my native language. Eye contact has become much easier over the years, but is still sometimes uncomfortable. 

Restricted/exclusive Interests:  I believe I suppress this part of myself, only occasionally letting myself become 'obsessional'. Compared to friends and family, I absolutely do seem to have this trait; compared with people I know with a confirmed diagnosis, this trait is less pronounced in me; compared with my teenage self, this trait is much less obvious as an adult. The thought experiment 'let's assume I am autistic and my main special interest is neurotypical people and their behaviour' resonates with my life experience.

Social interaction: This could make an already-long post into a full on case history, so I'll just mention the cat-q test that I took; every other questionnaire left me feeling ambivalent when the (higher than 'neurotypical' control, but lower than the 'autistic average') results suggested ASD, but taking cat-q along with learning about camouflaging, assimilation etc. felt much more profound, like 'this describes my (social) life'. My score on this test was higher than the average autistic male, and closely aligned with the average score of confirmed autistic females, and lots of autistic women have written about 'quiet' meltdowns based on social overload rather than sensory, which I can relate to (hiding in bathrooms is a speciality). The apparent correlation between a high score and major depression (and identity issues) really struck me. Reading around this area felt much more like a 'breakthrough' than anything I discovered in therapy where the working assumption was 'depression and generalised anxiety' (except that one therapist DID mention ASD, which I dismissed at the time!) Injunctions to "just be yourself" and "tell me how you feel" always provoke a strongly negative reaction on my part.

A few years back, a friend showed me how his new Apple laptop had the ability to run a virtual machine, effectively a pc running Windows on a Mac, which I think was novel at the time. I wonder if I am trying to 'run' a neurotypical persona on autistic hardware, or if a range of other factors (presenting as possibly autistic) are limiting the full operation of neurotypical hardware. Either way, I feel it is taking far too much RAM to keep the whole thing going.

I'll try to stop before this gets (any more) self-indulgent. If you're still with me, thanks for reading. No response is expected (since I'm not really asking a question), but any thoughts are welcome. I would definitely like to hear from anyone with a late diagnosis and history of 'succesful' camouflaging. Apologies for any outdated language or misconceptions in the post. I have a privileged life, full of opportunities, comfort and convenience; I am not lacking in necessary support, I  own my mistakes and shortcomings, and would accept a negative diagnosis. I make no claim to share in the number or degree of struggles of any child or adult living with differences that (in the past) have been grouped under the heading of'classical autism', or their families. However, I would like to be assessed to be sure that ASD isn't at the root of a profound sense of difference (heavily masked) and the exhaustion of 'fitting in'. I'm not looking for a panacea, but would like to free up some energy to use more productively in the second half of my life, be more supportive to others, and to better know the person in the mirror.