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Disclosing own adult diagnosis to teenage son

Nervosa

Hello,

I am 47 and very recently received a diagnosis of ASD. I haven’t told my son yet as he’s 18 and away at university. I’m not sure how to explain this to him, especially as I’ve always considered him to be very similar to me which now makes me think he might be autistic too. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I’m okay with telling friends and other mature family members, but I’m unsure as to approach this as a parent. 
Thanks. 

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Thank you Kate for such a lovely reply! Blush

  • Your son must know you very well presumably so it’s not likely he’d be massively surprised that you have autistic traits. Also younger people (my son’s are not far from your son’s age) are generally really clued up about neurodiversity, gender issues, disability etc - these are big subjects on social media now. I think it’s highly unlikely that he’d be shocked in that sense. Presumably he loves you too so I don’t see why he’d be judgemental towards you. He’s obviously very intelligent so he’s probably already picked up on the fact that you are a little different in some ways? Either way - you need to be proud of who you are - and a part of that is being an autistic woman - and also have faith in your son that he will react in a mature and understanding way. I’m sure it will be ok. Let us know how you get on. :) 

  • in reply to Nervosa
    Nervosa said:
    He is well aware that over the years I’ve never been a “typical” mum so it may turn out not to be a surprise to him! 

    I agree! You are his beloved, one and only mum. There is no one on Earth like you for him

  • in reply to Nervosa

    Definitely can't go wrong with a cuppa. Best of luck to you

  • in reply to Stellaluna35 🦇

    Thank you so much for such a reassuring reply. I’m certain he’ll be fully supportive but the ultra-anxious part of my brain is fretting  regardless. He’s studying maths and I suspect a lot of his fellow students and friends are likely to be on the autistic spectrum. He is well aware that over the years I’ve never been a “typical” mum so it may turn out not to be a surprise to him! 

  • in reply to Droppedfromspace_

    Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s great that your daughter is so empathetic! I think you’re right in that youngsters of today are much more accepting than those of my childhood. A nice chat over a cuppa will hopefully do the job. 

  • in reply to Dawn

    Thank you - your son sounds fantastic!

  • in reply to AlexSH

    Thank you for your kind words and offer of help. He’s coming home for a few days holiday next week, so I’ll have a chat then. :) 

  • Hi Thanks for sharing. I was diagnosed 1 week ago, and I told my son, who is 28. I was nervous about it, but he was, as with some of the other comments, nothing but supportive, and said that no matter what I told him, he would always love me, which made me cry with joy. I believe that our children absolutely adore seeing our human side. And yes - being autistic is being human despite what some say (I'm looking at you, Autism Speaks).

    Out of curiosity, my son decided to take the Autism Spectrum Quotient test (psychologytool.com), which was the one I took that led me to my diagnosis. It turns out his score was much lower than mine. Maybe you could suggest your son take this test if curious.

    Disclosing to my son has only brought us closer. Best wishes x

  • Hello, 

    Congratulations on your diagnosis. I'm autistic and a parent too. 

    While our kids are different ages I hope you don't mind me offering my perspective and sharing my experience with you.

    My kid is 8 this week and and I used to work in the autism sector. My daughter likes to ask alot of questions and from a very young again would ask me about my job and what autism meant. So she had a decent understanding.

    My daughter would also regularly tell me that I was different to the other mum's and dad's that I was cool cause I actually like watching disney films and my little pony, playing lego, drawing. She was also aware that I am very shy and quiet and that I have few friends. If I go to the opticians for example she will tell them "oh mummy isnt good with bright lights" . She knows I'm noise sensitive (she actually is aswell) and she will tease me because she knows I can stand certain textures like velvet.

    When I got diagnosed last year I decided to share the news with her. She asked again what it meant and I explained and she thought about it and she hugged me and told me it made alot of sense. I think kids pick up on alot of things just by being around us and they are alot more accepting than we give them credit for. 

    Maybe your son has his suspicions about you him and hasn't known how to bring it up. Maybe having a conversation with him could be a nice father son bonding experience. 

    Whatever you decide to do, I hope it goes well for you. 

  • My son is in his mid 20s, so a tad older. But he was supportive.

    He told me buy the "kiss my Asperger's" T shirt I was in two minds about 'cos he thought it was funny.

    In all seriousness his words to me were: "This changes nothing about who you are. You're my mum". 

    Actually, I think the younger generations are more switch on with this stuff than our peer or elders.

    Good luck

  • Thanks for sharing your experience and glad that you have managed to access a diagnosis. I can't speak from the perspective of a parent, but I think if you feel you are able to have an open, mature conversation with your son - this will really do them a lot of good.

    As autistic people, we need to be the ones who describe our experiences and help change narratives in our society that label it as something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. 

    If you need any help in framing the conversation or would like to discuss it further, feel free to get in touch :)