Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote in my diary last week "in a strange mood but I don't know why, often get like this".
This week I'm wondering if I'm depressed but I don't feel sad or worthless. I sometimes have difficulty picking up on how I feel. I just know I've felt flat for quite a bit. My head is crammed full but otherwise I feel flat. I can't stop eating.
Interspersed with this are odd days of enjoyment and feeling in the flow.
In the mix is also anxiety without worry but I have felt ok today.
I feel things are getting harder as I get older in my mid thirties but it's not like I have got any commitments in life apart from a partner, house and job of 4 days per week.
It was noticeable things were easier for me in lockdown and I'm still adjusting back to normal. It sounds pathetic but it's the little things which put demand on executive function, on their own are nothing but added up make a big thing. Such things as remembering to get my dinner ready the night before or having to put make up on or wash my clothes for work.
I have read before AS gets worse as you get older but I'm only mid thirties.
I want to share this with everyone again. I watched it a few weeks ago and think it's fantastic. Ruby Wax in conversation with a Buddhist Monk and a Neuroscientist: youtu.be/QDnuQVoRxX8
Thanks for that, I will watch it in full when I'm better able to focus on it. Ruby Wax is brilliant, and done great things with respect to mental health.. I bought her mindfulness book and that really helped me, brilliant just the bits about how the brain works - which she chose to study to help understand her own issues (and her mother I guess).
Would you recommend a specific book by Ruby Wax? I had a look and I saw that she wrote several. I have never really tried mindfulness- do you find it helpful?
I got her latest book - Mindfuless Survival Guide but if they are both about mindfulness there's probably not that much difference between them. Mine's got quite a bit in about the pandemic. I find guided audios helpful because then I can just sit and listen and dont have to keep referring back to a book.
I've been practising mindfulness since about May last year. I usually use the breath but since I've been practising and got more in the habit, I find now for example if I'm on a walk or listening to music, I can zone in more and focus on one thing such as sound or texture. But I have to remind myself to do this. What i'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter if you use the breath, or music, or anything else. It's about diverting your attention from your thoughts in whatever way. Then once you get used to it, you can apply this to other senses. Ruby says, and it's true, it's like a mental gym workout. It's like using weights at the gym and the more you do it, the fitter you get.
I'm not saying it's the answer to everything. But for me, it's a tool I've got in my tool box and also I think it's about chipping away at anxiety. You can't just rid yourself of it overnight but you can learn to manage it using different techniques so you can live your life better. Says me. I've been in a right state past few weeks haha!
Thanks! I think I will give this a try- I like the idea of focusing on music rather than breathing (I tried breathing exercises before and I sometimes felt like they made me more nervous/anxious). Thanks!!
I have only read 'A mindfulness guide for the Frazzled' but recommend that to anyone, not just autistic people.
Mindfulness can make a big difference, but not for everyone it seems.
Her technique works better for me, focus on something external like music, rather than your breathing which is a common mindfulness method. But as your brain will refocus to thoughts/feelings after a few seconds, you have to keep focusing back on the music. Our brains can't focus on our senses AND our thoughts/feelings at the same time, so you can't respond to them and they pass by - this can give you a break for a while and you might feel better, less brain chemicals sloshing about. I will fade, and thoughts return, but if you keep doing it for about 15 minutes a day for weeks on end then it can make a big difference. For the past few years I had waves of anxious thoughts and feelings of dread, but once I started doing the mindfulness it reduced and the anxiety/dread has faded way. I've had to work on thinking better as well using CBT techniques, so not just mindfulness.