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door handles and adapting to social situations

longman

I wanted to sound out some thoughts on why I think I have trouble with social situations. Is it just my experience or do others recognise this?

I think I understand social groupings as adapting to the composition of the group. When several or more people meet, they somehow gauge the characteristics of each other and co-align their behaviour - humour, mannerisms, gestures, manners etc. People usually very quickly pick up on the dynamics of the social group they are in, and that's what enables social conversation to run smoothly.

My notion is that owing to AS I don't pick up on these clues as quickly, if at all. So I don't settle in to the social dynamics of those around me. I've been trying to work out what exactly it is I'm not doing right. All sorts of factors could be involved, about how I process information being one possible cause.

One current notion I have is that it is rigidity of thinking that lets me down. I cannot quickly try the opposite or different option. What I wonder is whether people who are not on the spectrum, when they find the rest of the group doesn't react well to something they've said or done, they quickly go for a different approach. There is an ability to try variations around a particular problem until they get the one that matches. Repeated over a number of different interactions, they quickly adapt to the ways of others in the group.

I'm conscious that if I don't seem to be getting anywhere in a social situation, I don't do well at finding a different approach. I just keep trying the one approach.

This is where door handles come into it. There is a "test" for AS I've come across which is what do you do if a door handle goes up rather than down to open a door? In my experience I keep trying to turn it the one way I think is logical. I don't seem to try to turn it the other way. I often find this with the computer, if the system has changed something, I just don't pick up on the alternatives. I just keep trying one way and get nowhere.

I wionder therefore if part of the socialisation problem I and others face is not being quickly able to change my approach when the one that makes sense to me isn't working. Is rigidity of thought stopping me from adapting to the way other people interact?

Answers on a postcard...... or preferably on this thread. NAS have you any theories on this?

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  • longman said:

    I agree you can argue people on the spectrum want real dialogue about interesting things, but to survive in human society we actually do need the social interface, for which we are not equipped.

    Agreed. What is particularly frustrating is the misunderstanding. For example the assumtion an NT might make in thinking they understand you and you understand them. I don't think enough consideration is given what a major obstical in life this can be.

    In certain situations (maybe a regular appointment) someone may think you are very capable in all social situations and find it hard to understand your social difficulties.

    If I compare it to balancing an apple on your head:

    • this would be quite easy for most people when sat down in their home.  
    • it would be really hard going to work and still keep it balanced.

    I find myself in social situations really struggling to keep it going. I can be using all may energy trying to look the part of someone having a converstaion. I seem to be using all my energies on communicating and not much on processing. It is easier if there is something to talk about such as a mutual task. Some people are easier to talk to as I feel I can be a bit random (a strategy I seem to do is just scrape around for 'anything' to say).

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  • longman said:

    I agree you can argue people on the spectrum want real dialogue about interesting things, but to survive in human society we actually do need the social interface, for which we are not equipped.

    Agreed. What is particularly frustrating is the misunderstanding. For example the assumtion an NT might make in thinking they understand you and you understand them. I don't think enough consideration is given what a major obstical in life this can be.

    In certain situations (maybe a regular appointment) someone may think you are very capable in all social situations and find it hard to understand your social difficulties.

    If I compare it to balancing an apple on your head:

    • this would be quite easy for most people when sat down in their home.  
    • it would be really hard going to work and still keep it balanced.

    I find myself in social situations really struggling to keep it going. I can be using all may energy trying to look the part of someone having a converstaion. I seem to be using all my energies on communicating and not much on processing. It is easier if there is something to talk about such as a mutual task. Some people are easier to talk to as I feel I can be a bit random (a strategy I seem to do is just scrape around for 'anything' to say).

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