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Suffering daily, could this be autism?

NAS78108

Hello, I am in my 40’s and have always struggled with life, daily. I don’t completely understand why but have always felt like an alien observing a different species when in a group of people. I just cannot quite connect. Although I’m uncomfortable I do now make effort to talk to people (e.g. colleagues, mums at playgroup) but realise the vast majority of people don’t take to me like others even though I do try to be kind. I have only made this change during 30’s after I taught myself eye contact and learnt what to do and say when first meeting people. It is after this I struggle, with what to do next to maintain friendships.

My job is within an emotionally caring profession and I get good feedback from clients that I am empathetic and help them but I realise that is a role. I am usually more empathetic if I have been through similar experience. When it comes to socialising/making friends I just can’t seem to do it even though I try and think I want it. This has been my whole life. I also feel distant and unsure about my family and struggle with family functions. They are all kind and accept this now.

I am pretty rigid with my days and get very upset if something goes wrong, e.g. I can’t find a bowl or glass I usually use and can become hysterical, angry, feeling utterly devastated at this type of thing. My husband to be (finally met someone late 30’s and had a baby) is wonderful but I cannot gain any comfort from him, will push him away, swear, hit myself and can only calm down alone in a quiet room. 

I have only just started to explore this over the past year but have been wondering whether this could be autism. This knowledge could reframe my entire life that I have spent feeling isolated, confused, sectioned during 20’s in mental health hospitals for being suicidal (no longer suicidal)… I have read about autism and don’t have any typical special interests apart from practising the piano keenly and loving to study, especially psychology. When I was a child, I didn’t talk at playgroup (nursery) and struggled with friendships and bullying at primary school. Always felt different and alone. Again, no special interest apart from practising piano. I also enjoyed locking myself away and writing for hours, mainly from stuff I’d already read or seen but I did make some stuff up. I also participated in some imaginative play with my siblings, although it was pretty structured with me in control. I did not line things up or watch things spin, have a special topic, etc

I am sensitive to smells and certain tastes, been fussy with food since a baby. I jump sometimes at sounds others haven’t noticed and wear sunglasses all year round. Not sure why the glasses, just feel better protected and panic with out them.

I will stop there, although there is more. I feel pretty low at the moment, the not knowing what’s wrong with me is awful. Any advice/opinions/similar experiences would be appreciated. I did post something similar elsewhere in another forum but don’t think it was the right place. It’s a big step for me to ask for help. Thank you. 

  • in reply to NAS78108

    Yes, you are not alone, I have been known to hit myself in the head and bite my hand when in a meltdown. It fixes the unendurable feelings of being overwhelmed by emotions, or sensory overload. Luckily it happens very rarely to me.

  • in reply to Martin

    Thank you. I am completely new here and didn’t expect so many replies so thank you.

    I have taken some online tests and I score pretty highly.

    It would be a huge relief to have a explanation for my “mini breakdowns” as they have been called. After I recovered (somewhat) from my depression and left the mental health services, I could never understand why I still flipped out and got so distraught/angry/nasty at times/hit myself/felt like dying. Seemingly out of the blue at times. I’d feel so ashamed afterwards and it seemed a cop out that I could not control these unbearable feelings. However, I genuinely feel I can’t do anything bar remove myself from everyone, which I do now. I only heard of the term “meltdown” last year and was astounded to think that’s what these episodes might be. After, analysing it, mine are often triggered by misunderstandings in communications (I can’t bear it when I can’t dissect exactly what someone means or they are vague, I get so upset and slap my face) but also other things including unplanned change, losing a familiar item,  having been with a big group of people such as a family do, after work, etc. The episodes more often happen at home or in the car. I’m thinking these could be meltdowns. Thank you for taking the time to read. 

  • The best thing to do before going down the diagnosis route is to complete some, or all, of the standard autism tests, they are all available to complete online. the AQ10 and AQ50 tests seem to be the most used by clinicians, though the RAADS-R test appears to give a more definitive yes/no answer to the question, "Am I autistic?"

  • A long time after my thunderbolt moment, I started to analyse myself, to prove I wasn’t on the spectrum. More and more cropped up, but a lot wasn’t stereotypical. Of course you don’t need to experience all stims, interests or sensory stuff, but you do need to meet the main criteria, and it sounds as if you do.

  • It sounds like you could be on the spectrum. It was being fussy with foods and drinks from a young age which is why my parents got me diagnosed because they thought I was different rather than fussy.

    I also used to hide away and write for hours until I was too tired to keep going. I know you feel low, the not knowing must be horrible but you definitely aren't alone lots of people understand and we are all here to help you through this.

  • in reply to NAS78108

    There's an Aspergertestsite dotcom that will let you find out in the privacy of your own home for free.

    You can then decided whether you'd like to enter the glacial process of NHS diagnosis. 

    You describe a lot of my feelings and experience pretty well. 

    The knowing has upsides and downsides, but overall I am much happier and better adjusted a couple of years now after having the knowing of what is my fault and figuring out where I can make change for the better.

  • in reply to NAS78108

    I find it highly unlikely it will come back as you don't have autism.  Although Aspergers as a diagnosis seems to have disappeared to be replaced with ASD, it sounds like that is what you have.  You sound quite high functioning.

    Also, worst case they say you dont have autism, so what.  It's better to have someone say it isn't something, than not know full stop.  At least if they say no, you can then rule it out.  I honestly think you have ASD based on what you've said, so I wouldn't worry about it.

  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    Thank you both for your replies. I have been considering seeking diagnosis, privately. However, there is a fear if it comes back that I am not autistic then I lose all hope of understanding what I am. So much seems to fit but I realise there is a chance I have got things wrong.  I think about diagnosis constantly and do not know what to do. 

  • I also think you sound like you're on the spectrum.  In terms of not having special interests, lining up toys etc., most people don't exhibit all possible autistic symptoms, so I wouldn't see that in itself as significant.  It sounds like you do still have a lot of autistic traits.  I agree that the not knowing is hard to cope with.

  • You sound like you are on spectrum.  Your experience is very similar to most peoples.  I struggle with relationships, friendships, socialising and most other similar things.  Excel at anything that requires raw intelligence and creative thinking.  I also have issues with sensory things like smells, sounds, textures.

    Suggestions.  Join your local autism group would be the main one.  Just being able to talk to similar people is really helpful.  You might find you are drawn to similar people as well. 

    I am not one to comment on friendships as I broke my last one off three years back after being friends for about 10 years, and haven't bothered since.  I just found it exceptionally hard work and he was similar to me, but also different.  Too much mindfk tbh.  I have acquaintances now that I speak to at the gym that are also ND and its much easier to manage.  

    I'm guessing you have no real interest in seeking formal diagnosis and tbh you will have to wait a while to be seen anyway unless you pay.  Going through the process will only really give you a yes or no, apart from that it doesn't really change much.  I think you've already worked out that it would be a yes.