Hello, I am in my 40’s and have always struggled with life, daily. I don’t completely understand why but have always felt like an alien observing a different species when in a group of people. I just cannot quite connect. Although I’m uncomfortable I do now make effort to talk to people (e.g. colleagues, mums at playgroup) but realise the vast majority of people don’t take to me like others even though I do try to be kind. I have only made this change during 30’s after I taught myself eye contact and learnt what to do and say when first meeting people. It is after this I struggle, with what to do next to maintain friendships.
My job is within an emotionally caring profession and I get good feedback from clients that I am empathetic and help them but I realise that is a role. I am usually more empathetic if I have been through similar experience. When it comes to socialising/making friends I just can’t seem to do it even though I try and think I want it. This has been my whole life. I also feel distant and unsure about my family and struggle with family functions. They are all kind and accept this now.
I am pretty rigid with my days and get very upset if something goes wrong, e.g. I can’t find a bowl or glass I usually use and can become hysterical, angry, feeling utterly devastated at this type of thing. My husband to be (finally met someone late 30’s and had a baby) is wonderful but I cannot gain any comfort from him, will push him away, swear, hit myself and can only calm down alone in a quiet room.
I have only just started to explore this over the past year but have been wondering whether this could be autism. This knowledge could reframe my entire life that I have spent feeling isolated, confused, sectioned during 20’s in mental health hospitals for being suicidal (no longer suicidal)… I have read about autism and don’t have any typical special interests apart from practising the piano keenly and loving to study, especially psychology. When I was a child, I didn’t talk at playgroup (nursery) and struggled with friendships and bullying at primary school. Always felt different and alone. Again, no special interest apart from practising piano. I also enjoyed locking myself away and writing for hours, mainly from stuff I’d already read or seen but I did make some stuff up. I also participated in some imaginative play with my siblings, although it was pretty structured with me in control. I did not line things up or watch things spin, have a special topic, etc
I am sensitive to smells and certain tastes, been fussy with food since a baby. I jump sometimes at sounds others haven’t noticed and wear sunglasses all year round. Not sure why the glasses, just feel better protected and panic with out them.
I will stop there, although there is more. I feel pretty low at the moment, the not knowing what’s wrong with me is awful. Any advice/opinions/similar experiences would be appreciated. I did post something similar elsewhere in another forum but don’t think it was the right place. It’s a big step for me to ask for help. Thank you.
