Adult Female with ASD

Thank you for this, very grounding. I have got better at protecting my vulnerable core over the years, mostly out of necessity, as I have been bullied more than once. I am a tad wary of NTs, for obvious reasons but my husband is NT and great, so some can be good!

Thanks Dawn, my thoughts exactly. Maybe in an ideal world autistic peers would be consulted by assessors for diagnosis purposes, as I really think it takes one to know one, even with the various presentations.

Thank you. Yes my son is also showing some traits, different from mine and more pronounced. I think he suspects that he too may also be on the spectrum but he is a young man and not ready to address it. I am glad that you found what works for you 

Thanks Andrew, I have downloaded and shall watch it this evening 

To some degree, everyone 'masks'. But with NT, it's intuitive and curates a positive reward in their neurological reward/power centre. For autistics it's draining and creates resentment. 

Now in my late 40's, I have gone out of my way to work out the difference between good boundaries vs abuse. To learn structures and reasonings to discipline my core being so whatever submerged conscious self I can find and become aware of, might be in synch with my words/actions. I'm far from perfecting this, but I do appreciate the reward of wisdom, grounded ethics and principles and kindness. Protecting my vulnerable 'core being' is a part of this. It is intentional and not masking as I don't owe my authenticity to anyone nor is it mature or intelligent to walk around with one's insides exposed! LOL

These are good markers I personally like living by.  They help me invest in a few good friends and protect my friendships/ relationships. They are human-friendly so they seem to work for both Autistic and NT individuals. 

Masking is one of the concepts I struggled most with.  It sounds disingenuous, as though pretending to be somebody else, which I'm sure I don't.  Once I understood it to be that collection of coping strategies I've been unwittingly  developing and using all my life though it made sense.

Yes, some of us are so good at coping in other ways that it 'masks' the traits that would have been glaringly obvious when we were babies.  Sadly, to see behind the mask requires an understanding and skill that not all assessors have.  Some still are not aware of the more subtle presentations of autistic adults.

I am a female about the same age as you and undiagnosed. I only started to think I had autism when we got my son diagnosed. He has a lot more problems than me.

I read a lot and kept seeing things I recognized in myself from childhood which I thought were just me doing unusual things. It has helped me so much and explained difficulties I had at work. The only one I had discussed with them was how I find things hard when there are a lot of changes so they understand when I am finding things hard. 

I don't have any close family who knew me as a child now. After my Dad died 3 years ago I concluded he probably also had autism.

For me I don't think it would help to have a diagnosis and the process would feel a challenge but it helps me and my husband understand the odd things I do.

Having a formal diagnosis could help with professionals but unfortunately it seems some people in society still don't seem to understand how difficult it can be.

I hope if you need the diagnosis you get it.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2ecG57yHOSYhGXhuoT9BoF?si=3JY19WmNRh6_Qh9381cdMg

very good podcast which may help

Thanks, everything seems such an effort. When I spoke about how it would have been helpful to my mother, if she had known that she was probably autistic too, the assessor simply said that there would have been no point as there were no services! As if that was the only reason for knowing the truth. These people are trained to doctorate level and I have lost confidence in the system already.

Thanks Martin, I shall.

My daughter was 15 when she finally got her assessment, and she didn’t get diagnosed because she masked her way through it, unintentionally. We were told to trust the professionals! Rubbish. Some of the things they mentioned was the fact she dresses well, is pretty, likeable, funny, smiled, seemed embarrassed at one point, and shrugged her shoulders, and had imagination. Obviously they haven’t seen her at home! 
We went private 2 years later and she got several diagnoses.

When I had my assessment recently, I had to unmask as much as possible. It felt very fake, but it was important that he got to see me as I am. If I had gone in masking I would have shaken his hand firmly, smiled, nodded, looked extremely attentive while staring in his eyeballs! I’m a 48yr female.

I would write down some examples of how your lack of communication understanding affects you. List what you can and can’t do, and what makes you extremely uncomfortable. Talk about how you were as a child if you can remember, friendships or lack of, etc. the more information you can give on each area of diagnosis criteria the better.

Regardless, someone who knows what they are doing will ask you the right questions, and look at everything carefully. They should already know that masking is a thing.

Do the various autism tests online - AQ10, AQ50 and RAADS-R. If you get scores in the autistic range it will give you good ammunition towards convincing clinicians of your autistic traits.

Thank you

Thank you so much, very useful :)

Likewise, self diagnosed and it was such a relief knowing their was a reason for my oddness or specialness as the wife says. Most of our close family and friends have been very understanding with lots of ‘ah that explains a lot’ and at the age of 60 we don’t feel the need to to go through the hassle of the NHS system to prove what we know.

I'm also not female, but I was initially not diagnosed as autistic partly, I think, because of masking.  That was in my early twenties.  Over time, I came to realise that that was the wrong diagnosis and was diagnosed autistic last year aged thirty-seven.

In the years where I was trying to get rediagnosed as autistic, I made a list of all the traits that seemed to me to indicate autism.  Whenever I did something that made me think, "Oh, that's from my autism," I would add it to the list, including masking behaviours e.g. I noted that I can make small talk a bit, but only because I have memorised 'scripts' of what to say.  I went through Tony Attwood's book The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome noting all the traits I had and also did some reading online.  Sometimes I would find things I did that I never knew were autistic traits!  They went on the list too.  Then, when I managed to get the second assessment, I sent the psychiatrist the document with all those traits.

Thanks for this. How does it affect you by not having the diagnosis? I understand that the diagnosis can offer support if needed, especially with age/long term care. I feel that the current assessment process is unreliable in relation to how varied ASD can present. 

I realised you asked for females but there was a discussion a few weeks ago where a number of us older males (late 50's) did wonder whether we were presenting as females because we were so good at masking after all these years and had difficulties like you say during assessment. For my part they said I didn't have enough routines and as I don't think I need any particular medical help I just let it slide safe in the knowledge that I know who I am and am comfortable now that I have found a reason for all the weird feelings I have with life and why I don't fit in.