Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I really feel like I’m at breaking point, my son who’s 8 and autistic is driving me to the point where I don’t want to be at home anymore, I’m at my wits end with it all, his behaviour when he’s on his own is great but as soon as one of his siblings enters the room where he is all hell breaks out, they don’t even do anything and he starts saying mum tell them they are annoying me, then they react as they aren’t and then it just ends up in a major argument/meltdown and my son will pick things up and threaten to throw them, I know this doesn’t sound like much but when it’s happening every single day it’s horrendous, he then gets angry with me because I’m not telling them off and it’s just a vicious circle, day in day out, even my other kids are starting to say to him if you didn’t live here there would be no trouble, which I feel bad about as he obviously can’t help his behaviour but I don’t know what I can do, no matter what I try to help the situation nothing works, I feel like a bad mum as in the end I’m shouting at the other kids because instead of just walking away they stay and keep saying things to him which makes things worse, I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall all the time, has anyone dealt with similar, It feels like my house is a war zone and we can never do anything as a family because it’s so stressful and my sons so unpredictable.
OK, you are clearly at your wits' end and that must be a nightmare for you.
It's difficult to see things clearly and analytically in that state. I speak from experience. But you are clearly trying your best to find a solution (even this post evidences that).
Try, if you possibly can, to stop, think and analyse what's happening.
Shouting and yelling (your words) won't help, and you already know that.
As far as possible you need to take the anger out of the situation - everyone's anger. It's just making things worse, and its dangerous..
Asking someone not to be angry is also a huge ask, and can even make people more angry. It's very difficult for the person concerned to take on board. Again, I know this from experience.
However, only by calmly, clinically, forensically analysing these situations will you stand any chance of finding some peace.
What is happening when his siblings enter the room? I know, I know, nothing, they're doing nothing wrong - but seriously, observe it, as dispassionately as possible. I learned to do this in an entirely different context and my teacher said "observe, observe, observe. Observe until your eyeballs burn out!!"
I suspect the thing is that you don't know what triggers this, so you can't do anything to stop it, or relieve his distress (and yours). So here's a thought.
If you have the tech ability to do this, consider putting your phone somewhere where it has a view of your kitchen and video some of these incidents so you can review them at a point when your emotions are more under control. Consider this carefully, pros and cons; but here's why you might want to do it.
You can watch, and listen, much more analytically when you're removed from the heat of the moment. Even a dispassionate view of your own response to the situation may teach you something you didn't know.
Listen to every single word, watch where the eyelines are, pay careful attention to the timing of what happens.
Break down things that might only take 30 seconds into maybe five second windows. Watch it repeatedly.
View the video with the sound muted. Sound can be useful, but it's also a distraction, and sometimes you notice things with the sound muted that you wouldn't otherwise notice (the stimulus coming in to your ears directs your eyes to the source of the sound, but sometimes the clues come from other places). Video editors do this a lot, because it helps them to spot errors that would otherwise go unnoticed.
You may not want to do that and I understand why. Certainly, awareness that you are doing it may modify your son's conduct, so you need to be able to carry it off without making a big thing of it (but I wouldn't do it surrepticiously or hide it from him). Take all these things into account and make a judgement.
The objective is to help you view these crisis moments as dispassionately as possible, so that you can help him, and the family, because reading this, you need some objectivity to help you to analyse with precision what's going on.
It's difficult to get objectivity otherwise: if you invite someone else in, as a different pair of eyes, their mere presence may affect what happens.
Can your local branch of the NAS provide any help, advice, or support?
Have you been to these sections of this site?
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/distressed-behaviour
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/anger-management
Whatever you do I wish you all the best.