At breaking point with my sons behaviour

Not sure how helpful this is but I think I can relate a little to your son's perspective. I have a lot of sensory issues, particularly sounds and sometimes I have real issues just with the day-to-day things that go on in the house. Once my sensory issues have started I become hyper sensitive to everything, even the kinds of things that I can usually tune out more effectively. What I find particularly hard to deal with is the fact that I am at home and there is almost an assumption that this should be a place of comfort. It's also at home that I'm doing things for me, that I enjoy and therefore any interruptions are more unwelcome than say, if I was at work. I'm more aware now of my triggers, and can feel when it's starting to rise up, so I either go to another room and put headphones on, or go for a walk until it passes.

Maybe something earlier has already happened a while ago that has put him on 'high alert' hence not seeing anything obvious that would trigger his irritation. As others have said it sounds like he is in need of his own safe space where he can get away from things when they get too much. I definitely think it's worth trying to help him to understand what his triggers are. My son has just started using mood cards at school and we are going to use these at home to try to identify any issues before they peak and try to diffuse

I can't imagine having to juggle all those different needs. 

Have you looked at short breaks/respite? If things are that bad maybe some regular 'circuit breakers' would help. You are entitled to a carers assessment to get some support. 

Wish you all the best. 

His siblings do understand about his autism as my eldest son also has autism and they just clash, my youngest daughter mainly stays in her room it’s the eldest 2 who he seems to have more problems with. I also have a young son who I feel sorry for having to listen to the constant arguing, the eldest 2 will annoy him on purpose sometimes but that’s mainly after he’s started something, I’ve spoken to them till I’m blue in the face about the problems it causes but it seems to go in one ear and out the other, they all have their own bedrooms but my son who I’m talking about will hardly go in his room apart from bedtime, it’s getting to the point where it’s like he rules the house. We tread on eggshells so we don’t upset him to save any agro, I feel like it’s my fault as I’ve always been a bit soft with him mainly to stop his behaviour escalating and i would always say but he can’t help it, the others always say I let him get away with everything because he has autism, which isn’t true I do tell him off but probably not as bad as I do with them because I know he will then kick off, when he was younger I used to be able to quickly distract him away from the situation but that doesn’t work anymore, if he has a bad day in school then he will usually carry his mood on at home as well.

OK, you are clearly at your wits' end and that must be a nightmare for you.

It's difficult to see things clearly and analytically in that state. I speak from experience.  But you are clearly trying your best to find a solution (even this post evidences that).  

Try, if you possibly can, to stop, think and analyse what's happening.

Shouting and yelling (your words) won't help, and you already know that. 

As far as possible you need to take the anger out of the situation - everyone's anger.  It's just making things worse, and its dangerous.. 

Asking someone not to be angry is also a huge ask, and can even make people more angry.  It's very difficult for the person concerned to take on board. Again, I know this from experience.   

However, only by calmly, clinically, forensically analysing these situations will you stand any chance of finding some peace. 

What is happening when his siblings enter the room?  I know, I know, nothing, they're doing nothing wrong - but seriously, observe it, as dispassionately as possible. I learned to do this in an entirely different context and my teacher said "observe, observe, observe.  Observe until your eyeballs burn out!!"

I suspect the thing is that you don't know what triggers this, so you can't do anything to stop it, or relieve his distress (and yours).  So here's a thought.  

If you have the tech ability to do this, consider putting your phone somewhere where it has a view of your kitchen and video some of these incidents so you can review them at a point when your emotions are more under control. Consider this carefully, pros and cons; but here's why you might want to do it.

You can watch, and listen, much more analytically when you're removed from the heat of the moment.  Even a dispassionate view of your own response to the situation may teach you something you didn't know.   

Listen to every single word, watch where the eyelines are, pay careful attention to the timing of what happens. 

Break down things that might only take 30 seconds into maybe five second windows. Watch it repeatedly.

View the video with the sound muted.  Sound can be useful, but it's also a distraction, and sometimes you notice things with the sound muted that you wouldn't otherwise notice (the stimulus coming in to your ears directs your eyes to the source of the sound, but sometimes the clues come from other places).  Video editors do this a lot, because it helps them to spot errors that would otherwise go unnoticed.  

You may not want to do that and I understand why.  Certainly, awareness that you are doing it may modify your son's conduct, so you need to be able to carry it off without making a big thing of it (but I wouldn't do it surrepticiously or hide it from him).  Take all these things into account and make a judgement.   

The objective is to help you view these crisis moments as dispassionately as possible, so that you can help him, and the family, because reading this, you need some objectivity to help you to analyse with precision what's going on.

It's difficult to get objectivity otherwise: if you invite someone else in, as a different pair of eyes, their mere presence may affect what happens.  

Can your local branch of the NAS provide any help, advice, or support?

Have you been to these sections of this site?

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/distressed-behaviour

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/anger-management

Whatever you do I wish you all the best.

Hello, 

There are books that you can get for siblings that explain autism. It might help them to understand its not personal and to not goad him and might stop it escalating. There are also sibling groups for children with additional needs run by mencap.. Might be worth having a look to see if there are any in your area. 

I don't know if they share a bedroom but is there a space for him to retreat to if it is a sensory issue? If not then maybe a tent/tepee in a room that is his own space that he can go to. 

I never had this issue as my son is an only child but my sister, whose youngest was diagnosed, found stuff like that helpful. My son needed a good hour of quiet, settling down time after the stresses of managing in school so maybe he just needs a chunk of time to unwind on his own. Ear defenders might help. Or a set time where he can do his own thing without being disturbed? 

It sounds like they have all gotten into a pattern or routine of how to engage with each other but they need to learn how to share space in a nice way like they do in school. Lots of praise when you see them engaging nicely with each other, commenting when you see kindness etc will encourage more of it. 

Look after yourself too and take some time to destress and do things you enjoy. It's harder to manage things when you're running on empty. 

Good luck x

Hi. Most of the time I am in the room and it could be one of the others has just come for a drink and as soon as they walk past he starts saying stop annoying me. Mum their annoying me and they haven’t done anything, I will say but they aren’t doing anything and he just says yes they are there annoying me, then it just escalates as the others will say I’ve not done anything and then they start bickering and name calling and it doesn’t stop until I’m practically yelling my head off, I’m so fed up of shouting, my sons behaviour isn’t like this at school, he has his moments and meltdowns but from the second I pick them up from school it starts even before we leave the school grounds sometimes, it’s so mentally draining, I get to the point where I’m crying as I just can’t cope, I’ve spoke to the doctor a while ago who said speak to the school, but to be honest they aren’t great and it’s me always having to chase things up, I’m thinking of ringing the doctor again tomorrow, I know they can’t do anything medically for him but I feel like I’m struggling so bad. He’s the sweetest and loving little boy when he’s alone he just flips so easily and usually over nothing.

Has he told you why they’re annoying? Is he hypersensitive to smell or noise? Have you witnessed the beginning of their interactions, if they really are not doing anything to aggravate him it could be a sensory issue