Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I really feel like I’m at breaking point, my son who’s 8 and autistic is driving me to the point where I don’t want to be at home anymore, I’m at my wits end with it all, his behaviour when he’s on his own is great but as soon as one of his siblings enters the room where he is all hell breaks out, they don’t even do anything and he starts saying mum tell them they are annoying me, then they react as they aren’t and then it just ends up in a major argument/meltdown and my son will pick things up and threaten to throw them, I know this doesn’t sound like much but when it’s happening every single day it’s horrendous, he then gets angry with me because I’m not telling them off and it’s just a vicious circle, day in day out, even my other kids are starting to say to him if you didn’t live here there would be no trouble, which I feel bad about as he obviously can’t help his behaviour but I don’t know what I can do, no matter what I try to help the situation nothing works, I feel like a bad mum as in the end I’m shouting at the other kids because instead of just walking away they stay and keep saying things to him which makes things worse, I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall all the time, has anyone dealt with similar, It feels like my house is a war zone and we can never do anything as a family because it’s so stressful and my sons so unpredictable.
Has he told you why they’re annoying? Is he hypersensitive to smell or noise? Have you witnessed the beginning of their interactions, if they really are not doing anything to aggravate him it could be a sensory issue
Hi. Most of the time I am in the room and it could be one of the others has just come for a drink and as soon as they walk past he starts saying stop annoying me. Mum their annoying me and they haven’t done anything, I will say but they aren’t doing anything and he just says yes they are there annoying me, then it just escalates as the others will say I’ve not done anything and then they start bickering and name calling and it doesn’t stop until I’m practically yelling my head off, I’m so fed up of shouting, my sons behaviour isn’t like this at school, he has his moments and meltdowns but from the second I pick them up from school it starts even before we leave the school grounds sometimes, it’s so mentally draining, I get to the point where I’m crying as I just can’t cope, I’ve spoke to the doctor a while ago who said speak to the school, but to be honest they aren’t great and it’s me always having to chase things up, I’m thinking of ringing the doctor again tomorrow, I know they can’t do anything medically for him but I feel like I’m struggling so bad. He’s the sweetest and loving little boy when he’s alone he just flips so easily and usually over nothing.
I can't imagine having to juggle all those different needs.
Have you looked at short breaks/respite? If things are that bad maybe some regular 'circuit breakers' would help. You are entitled to a carers assessment to get some support.
Wish you all the best.
His siblings do understand about his autism as my eldest son also has autism and they just clash, my youngest daughter mainly stays in her room it’s the eldest 2 who he seems to have more problems with. I also have a young son who I feel sorry for having to listen to the constant arguing, the eldest 2 will annoy him on purpose sometimes but that’s mainly after he’s started something, I’ve spoken to them till I’m blue in the face about the problems it causes but it seems to go in one ear and out the other, they all have their own bedrooms but my son who I’m talking about will hardly go in his room apart from bedtime, it’s getting to the point where it’s like he rules the house. We tread on eggshells so we don’t upset him to save any agro, I feel like it’s my fault as I’ve always been a bit soft with him mainly to stop his behaviour escalating and i would always say but he can’t help it, the others always say I let him get away with everything because he has autism, which isn’t true I do tell him off but probably not as bad as I do with them because I know he will then kick off, when he was younger I used to be able to quickly distract him away from the situation but that doesn’t work anymore, if he has a bad day in school then he will usually carry his mood on at home as well.
Hello,
There are books that you can get for siblings that explain autism. It might help them to understand its not personal and to not goad him and might stop it escalating. There are also sibling groups for children with additional needs run by mencap.. Might be worth having a look to see if there are any in your area.
I don't know if they share a bedroom but is there a space for him to retreat to if it is a sensory issue? If not then maybe a tent/tepee in a room that is his own space that he can go to.
I never had this issue as my son is an only child but my sister, whose youngest was diagnosed, found stuff like that helpful. My son needed a good hour of quiet, settling down time after the stresses of managing in school so maybe he just needs a chunk of time to unwind on his own. Ear defenders might help. Or a set time where he can do his own thing without being disturbed?
It sounds like they have all gotten into a pattern or routine of how to engage with each other but they need to learn how to share space in a nice way like they do in school. Lots of praise when you see them engaging nicely with each other, commenting when you see kindness etc will encourage more of it.
Look after yourself too and take some time to destress and do things you enjoy. It's harder to manage things when you're running on empty.
Good luck x