Adult dx: Anger towards those who should’ve done something

I have some feelings like this (I am diagnosed this year at 42).

I've done a lot of reading on Autism one of the ideas that helped a little was understanding how little information there was in the 'public domain' (or just general understanding) at the times when it would have helped me.

I was at secondary school in the 90s. Not only did I hide my struggles from everyone (including family) but even if I had shouted from the rooftops an accurate picture of what I was going through, I (personally) feel that there was simply not enough knowledge going around for people to have understood and, even further, to have intervened.

Yes, there are some really significant kickers in there (the GP who told me to 'pull your socks up, go out and make some friends') and my mother to whom I said (at great personal cost) I think I might be depressed: 'well you don't want to one of those people do you?'

I know there were some genuine missed opportunities but I don't really *blame* people, I ask myself what did they really know? How could they even see things that I was hiding from everyone...?

I am still angry with that GP from when I was 14. I'm a little bit angry at my parents but realistically a bad intervention could have been way way worse than just letting me stumble around. Maybe.

Yes, i think that, over time, these feelings can fade, but also that it's entirely understandable that they bubble up, particularly while you're still going through the diagnostic process. 

Myself, i was finally diagnosed at age 55 and have a lifetime of bullying, isolation, marginalisation and exclusion to look back on (school, uni, workplace).  I also look back upon decades of trying to get help, from around the age of 13/14 via the self-help section in the library, to various rounds of "therapy" later in life.  I also trained as a counsellor, which involved a LOT of peer group work, skills practice and observation from various tutors and nobody ever mentioned autism.  So, yes, I feel angry and misjudged.  I even think that a couple of times that I was made redundant it related almost entirely to me being autistic and being blamed for my autistic traits - things that they wouldn't have been able to get away with had I been diagnosed and therefore protected by disability legislation.    

That said, I'm also a guilty party.  I didn't identify it in my children, I took schools' explanations about anxiety, rounded development, socialising etc (all things I'd personally had issues with so I made sure to ask about them) at face value and adopted many of the practices that non autistic parents advise because, of course, I thought we were non autistic too.  We learnt the hard way that opportunities to socialise and desensitise us can easily back fire and cause more trauma.  Intergenerational trauma is a massive issue, i think, with breakdowns, suicidality, relationship and work issues coming up time and time again across the generations, each time met with no relevant help and no idea about autism.  I still don't know where to take these issues (NAS, please advise!).

This has also applied to mental health services where, I believe, staff still don't have sufficient training to be able to identify autism.  A half days autism awareness training is woefully inadequate.  It's generally not the fault of individuals I don't think, but rather it's systemic and cultural.  So the people who were supposed to love and/or care for me didn't have the knowledge or experience to help and many of the things they did (out of love!) turned out to be damaging.  

So yes, to me it seems like an utter mess and anger is quite an appropriate response.  The difficulty, I think, lies in where to direct this anger.        

Hello Tia,

I was diagnosed in my mid-sixties so know just how you feel. I recognise most of what you describe, I've been on the outside looking in for most of my life.

After being assessed, I did feel agrieved that no-one had picked it up. I'd been through the mental health team, seen psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors and been repeatedly diagnosed with anxiety disorders, nothing else.  I was taken to see a specialist doctor when aged about five as I'd been throwing tantrums, and I think I was assessed then, but it seems it was quickly forgotten and buried, or maybe the process was not completed, I just don't know.

So, as I say above,  I grew up on the outside looking in. Bewildered and confused I got through life as best I could... always knowing that I was different and never really having anyone on my side, it's been tough. TBH I'm still a bit resentful that no-one helped me. Maybe my family just couldn't deal with it, I don't know.

Now enjoying retirement....

Ben

Hello!  I’ve had similar thoughts as I wondered how my parents and teachers either didn’t notice my struggles, or saw them and did nothing about them.  But they were all doing their best to navigate this thing called life, so I know there was no harm intended.

I think it is a common part of the process, and it does pass if you allow yourself to let it.  (Hope that makes sense!)

I think that you have to factor in that there was no diagnosis of 'less overt' autism when we were children. Also, that once past childhood, autism is often still missed in adults, even of younger generations than ours. Though you might wish that other people had understood and treated you better, they would have had no idea that you were autistic, and so were unable to understand your difficulties and autistic traits.