Late in life discovery of possible diagnosis, and effect on social anxiety?

I was diagnosed with social anxiety at about age 40. I was told I was by my GP so was referred for 1-1 CBT. I think it helped a bit, as I learnt a few stock phrases to use, and a few tips. I was asked to go back months later for a group CBT course. Not many turned up, but I do realise we shared similar traits, but I didn’t fit in. They blushed, shook or sweated, and craved too be normal and go out with friends. I was the opposite. However, I’ve only realised this over the last few years. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The word judge popped up a lot during treatment. I guess I did feel judged,  because I saw myself as different and odd compared to others. I knew I was different, I couldn’t ever fit in, but didn’t know why. I was judging myself based on my thoughts, and how I thought others saw me. This is similar ro Social anxiety…maybe I do have it as well. That’s possible.

I functioned better after I took more risks, yet still felt the same inside, and never felt comfortable socialising. Still couldn’t string a sentence together after the initial stock phrases. Preferred to stay home, and keep myself to myself. I don’t like socialising, it’s too much effort and brings me no joy. Trying to follow a conversation while having a meal with multiple guests in a restaurant is murder on so many levels, for example.

I think the key is to simply realise and be happy with what you like and don’t like. Don’t feel bad about refusing invitations. Don’t be annoyed with yourself when you can’t do something, or say the wrong thing. The more you know yourself, the less the ASD and SA affects you, if you know what I mean? Exposure and things like that might make you get used to these sorts of situations,  but you will still probably prefer not to do them unless you have too.

My assessment process starts next month. 

Social anxiety is a fear of being judged/rejected in social situations, whereas autism tends to cause difficulties in communication or social interactions.  They are different things.  You will know if you have social anxiety if you have thoughts about being judged/rejected/mocked when you think about social situations, and when you are in them.  With autism, you may be fine being there but just not able to speak effectively, or engage, or know when its the right time to speak, or you only talk about yourself or your interests.  Its possible to have both, so worth considering.

You can overcome social anxiety by exposure therapy - putting yourself in social situations and learn not to care what people think.  With autism, its not a fear to overcome - its communication difficulties that you either have to live with, or try and improve if you can.

I prefer not to socialise, but I don't avoid it at all costs - I've done it many times, its awkward, I don't even mind being detached and just listening, but normal people usually let you know that's not acceptable.

Social anxiety is a fear of being judged/rejected in social situations, whereas autism tends to cause difficulties in communication or social interactions.  They are different things.  You will know if you have social anxiety if you have thoughts about being judged/rejected/mocked when you think about social situations, and when you are in them.  With autism, you may be fine being there but just not able to speak effectively, or engage, or know when its the right time to speak, or you only talk about yourself or your interests.  Its possible to have both, so worth considering.

You can overcome social anxiety by exposure therapy - putting yourself in social situations and learn not to care what people think.  With autism, its not a fear to overcome - its communication difficulties that you either have to live with, or try and improve if you can.

I prefer not to socialise, but I don't avoid it at all costs - I've done it many times, its awkward, I don't even mind being detached and just listening, but normal people usually let you know that's not acceptable.

I'm sure that is true. But in my case, and I imagine there are others like me, it's when the masking is ineffective, and then the consequences of this, that has often caused problems for me. Consequences like offending other people without meaning to, or just appearing "off" in some way.....

In a way it's a luxury to be able to mask effectively, that means you have reached a certain level of proficiency. There are those of us that haven't reached that level. Not at all times, across all situations, certainly not. Maybe for some situations and scenarios.

Shadweller said:

it can be possible to learn ways of adapting behaviours to be more successful and to camouflage / blend in / fit in / mask more skilfully

For a lot of people, effective masking is what contributes toward incredible anxiety. 

And the specific Autism symptoms that can end up at least contributing to the development of social anxiety can vary from person to person. Personally I have no problem reading peoples facial expressions and tone of voice etc, but I do have trouble reading those things, whilst also concentrating on what the person is saying, and maintaining eye contact, and thinking of anything to say in reply, all at the same time. Let alone managing to think of anything interesting or imaginative to say. It can be impossible for me, it often is.

Not being on the same wavelength, or not having the same interests, difficulty with large crowds and noisy busy places, I could list dozens of other autism traits that could contribute to developing social anxiety. Tending to not be fully present due to a dominant and pressing, loud and insistent, busy internal monologue (ive only recently found out this is an Autism thing, and it is so me - involuntarily drifting away in a world of my own thoughts when in a public place, so much that momentarily unaware of other people, just the same as when alone, has often caused me issues, and when you don't understand why people are mocking you its no wonder anxiety can develop.  I finally do get this one now. Now that I get it, I care less about other peoples reactions to my behaviours.. I'm going to be thinking of ways of doing behavioural experiments on this such as my CBT therapist suggested.

 I feel so strongly that understanding the cause of my difficulties is going to help me to come to terms with everything. Now that I can finally understand why I'm getting all these strange looks, negative reactions and comments, or even verbal abuse,  this is going to help far more than all the CBT in the world ever could. I now understand why "they" (neuro-typicals) do not understand me - it's probably just the way my cluster of Autism traits comes out in my behaviours.

If I think about it some more, these problem behaviours often happen whenever I am pushed beyond my current comfort zones. Anything within my comfort zones and i don't exhibit any of these behaviours. (Apart from the being dominated by my thoughts in my head - this one happens across the board, with no relation to comfort zones) But when pushed beyond, I do, and become at the mercy of other people to a large extent. Non-conforming / incomprehensible behaviour is not looked upon favourably.

Amongst the general public, there seems to be zero awareness of autism and how it can manifest amongst people that may be classed as high functioning, in as much as they can hold down jobs and look after themselves, but never the less they can find certain social situations challenging. Or they can struggle to act in line with expected social norms.

Maybe with a reduction of anxiety it can be possible to learn ways of adapting behaviours to be more successful and to camouflage / blend in / fit in / mask more skilfully. It doesn't come naturally though, and has to be learnt or taught, or analysed and dissected and then implemented. At least in my case.

I keep hearing that we are all just as unique as NTs. So just as no 2 NTs are the same, no 2 Autists are going to be affected in exactly the same way. There must be some clusters of symptoms and problems that some people out there can identify with more though surely.

There is a definite connection between autism and social anxiety for some, or many, autistics. This is because the difficulties that autism causes in being able to read unspoken communications - facial expression, body language, tone of voice and gestures - and express them appropriately in return, heighten social uncertainty and therefore anxiety. For many autistics, their autism is a causal factor in social anxiety.