How can I control my aggression towards others?

NAS76166 said:

I say really nasty stuff to him sometimes, and I just get so angry. How can I learn to control this or take it out in a controlled manner? Please help.

Buy a punching bag, hit our pillow, remove yourself from the situation. If you don't address your behaviour, you will probably end up hurting yourself or someone else, and one day it might be serious enough to send you to jail. Buy a punching bag, hit our pillow, remove yourself from a situation. That's a short-term solution. A long-term solution would be to spend some time, when you are not angry, identifying the thoughts that cause you to be so angry. Your thoughts are causing your anger and aggression, not the people and situations who are the targets of your anger.

Here's an option, when you get angry and want to take it out on someone, turn around and walk away from it, close your phone, do whatever it takes to not interact with that person. You'll will still feel angry, but you have to put that anger towards something else, like a punching bag or by writing it out, and then afterwards, you can discuss to that person what had happened and what made you upset, so that the other person knows, but do not intimidate them. 

Also, you've learned that by punching and shouting is acceptable to get things to go your way, and of course that is bad, because I don't think you would like anyone who punches and shouts at you, so why would you think it's acceptable to do that to someone else? You are willing to put someone else through pain, because you prioritize yourself and your own needs above them. You care less about their physical safety, and more about whatever thing it was you wanted from them. 

So if you want someone to do you something for you, and they say no, just do that thing yourself, or just do that thing for yourself in the first place and don't demand that others do things for you. 

Your boyfriend like all people, have their priorities, and if they really need to study, or get things finished before a deadline, or they're busy at work, and they see that you're leaving them mean text messages, do you think they'll want to stay with someone who keeps being mean to them? I mean having a partner who discourages them makes them second-guess the relationship, and wonder if they really want to be with you.

Also, if you just find that you get angry a lot more often than other people by even the smallest thing, it might be a mood irregulation thing that's not really your fault, but caused by biological wiring, and I know that some people with ADHD has mood irregulations that cause them to become very easily irritable, and they are not happy with themselves when they react in negative ways, and perhaps if no other method for controlling your anger works, then you can look into medications that can help regulate your mood and give you a better quality of life.

Hi There - Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment but hey it's awesome that you have come here for support and advice! So, I have posted some links below that might be useful - they mainly talk about triggers that set off behaviour (such as agression), some of the content might be aimed to people younger than yourself but I figured it may still be useful for you? Anyways here they are:

Individuals on the spectrum can often display behaviour that may be challenging. There will generally be a reason for this and it is important to try and understand the trigger for the behaviour when developing strategies. You may like to have a look at the following link for more information on behaviour and strategies: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

 You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk.  They also have an information and support service which you can contact by phone or email – details can be found here: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/for-family-carers/family-support-service/ 

Wishing you the best!

SarahMod

Anyone can get angry, either because of being triggered by someone/something or to punish/control others, but autistic people can be a lot more angry, more easily triggered, and react badly from things not going their way.

Some autistic people can't control their anger because they cannot manage their thoughts or feelings, but as you are aware of what you have done/do and know you shouldn't then you can probably learn to control it.

To control anger you have to learn to manage your thoughts/feelings, so you may need therapy to help with this but its worth trying by yourself first.

I have used CBT techniques to manage my anger, and that helps me.  Basically, from childhood you believed anger was the right response to triggers or to control people, and now you need to believe in a better response like just being annoyed internally and then letting it go.  You have to keep working at it, and it won't always work, but over time it will get better.

You can also switch to take out your anger on objects, soft cheap ones like cushions/pillows are best, rather than people - or buy a punch bag, or take up boxing, to release the rage.  Sometimes anger builds up over time, and then something happens to make you snap, so if you can learn to let go of anger before it builds then you might feel better when something bad happens.

Have a look online for ways to manager anger, and see what works for you.

Also, you need to work on how you think/feel when people aren't responding, or don't give you the attention you want, because its normal for other people to be busy, it doesn't mean they don't care, and it doesn't mean they should drop everything for you.  Autistic people tend to think about their own world more than other peoples, and that can make relationship with other people difficult, but try working on it.  Its not easy, but you may lose him (and other afterwards).  When you feel you aren't getting attention, try and be OK with that, and do things to take your mind off it, you will survive without attention for a while.