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How can I control my aggression towards others?

NAS76166

I'm 18 years old and I learned I was autistic about 6 or 7 months ago, although I haven't had an official diagnosis yet. I've always been an aggressive child, and I used to hit and shout at my brother and sister when things wouldn't go my way. I don't do this as much, but I do when I get really angry and frustrated. I was so mad once that I hit my mum. I know that its wrong to hit and be aggressive towards people but I do it anyway because I want to do things my way. Am I a bad person for doing this, and how can I get better? 

I also get aggressive towards my boyfriend over text, for example when he's busy and doesn't tell me, because i feel like he doesn't care about me and doesn't prioritize me. I say really nasty stuff to him sometimes, and I just get so angry. How can I learn to control this or take it out in a controlled manner? Please help. 

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  • Anyone can get angry, either because of being triggered by someone/something or to punish/control others, but autistic people can be a lot more angry, more easily triggered, and react badly from things not going their way.

    Some autistic people can't control their anger because they cannot manage their thoughts or feelings, but as you are aware of what you have done/do and know you shouldn't then you can probably learn to control it.

    To control anger you have to learn to manage your thoughts/feelings, so you may need therapy to help with this but its worth trying by yourself first.

    I have used CBT techniques to manage my anger, and that helps me.  Basically, from childhood you believed anger was the right response to triggers or to control people, and now you need to believe in a better response like just being annoyed internally and then letting it go.  You have to keep working at it, and it won't always work, but over time it will get better.

    You can also switch to take out your anger on objects, soft cheap ones like cushions/pillows are best, rather than people - or buy a punch bag, or take up boxing, to release the rage.  Sometimes anger builds up over time, and then something happens to make you snap, so if you can learn to let go of anger before it builds then you might feel better when something bad happens.

    Have a look online for ways to manager anger, and see what works for you.

    Also, you need to work on how you think/feel when people aren't responding, or don't give you the attention you want, because its normal for other people to be busy, it doesn't mean they don't care, and it doesn't mean they should drop everything for you.  Autistic people tend to think about their own world more than other peoples, and that can make relationship with other people difficult, but try working on it.  Its not easy, but you may lose him (and other afterwards).  When you feel you aren't getting attention, try and be OK with that, and do things to take your mind off it, you will survive without attention for a while.

Reply

  • Anyone can get angry, either because of being triggered by someone/something or to punish/control others, but autistic people can be a lot more angry, more easily triggered, and react badly from things not going their way.

    Some autistic people can't control their anger because they cannot manage their thoughts or feelings, but as you are aware of what you have done/do and know you shouldn't then you can probably learn to control it.

    To control anger you have to learn to manage your thoughts/feelings, so you may need therapy to help with this but its worth trying by yourself first.

    I have used CBT techniques to manage my anger, and that helps me.  Basically, from childhood you believed anger was the right response to triggers or to control people, and now you need to believe in a better response like just being annoyed internally and then letting it go.  You have to keep working at it, and it won't always work, but over time it will get better.

    You can also switch to take out your anger on objects, soft cheap ones like cushions/pillows are best, rather than people - or buy a punch bag, or take up boxing, to release the rage.  Sometimes anger builds up over time, and then something happens to make you snap, so if you can learn to let go of anger before it builds then you might feel better when something bad happens.

    Have a look online for ways to manager anger, and see what works for you.

    Also, you need to work on how you think/feel when people aren't responding, or don't give you the attention you want, because its normal for other people to be busy, it doesn't mean they don't care, and it doesn't mean they should drop everything for you.  Autistic people tend to think about their own world more than other peoples, and that can make relationship with other people difficult, but try working on it.  Its not easy, but you may lose him (and other afterwards).  When you feel you aren't getting attention, try and be OK with that, and do things to take your mind off it, you will survive without attention for a while.

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