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I hate being lonely all the time, but I HATE forcing friendship

NAS15878

I grew up in a manipulative and abusive religious household, and never was allowed to have friends or hang out with people after school when I was younger. I never invited people over because I was basically ashamed.

I'm used to forcibly having to use communication against manipulation, or not at all because I never got the chance to experience friendships or express myself growing up. 

I'm 21 now, and have just started uni. I hated 6th form because I felt disconnected from everyone and not very enthused to get to know new people. I took a break from education to get a place on my own and try to pull myself together, out of the hole my parents left me in, and ever since I left home I really wanted and expected to make some friends. 

But every friendship situation I've been in has felt negative or unrequited, where they are highly social and highly neurotypical, and they grow to resent me for being on the quieter side or not as cool as they'd like/expect. I've only recently come to terms with the fact that I'm autistic, and I feel so much pain that I was so mistreated by my parents' immaturity and how badly that has scarred my charisma and abilities to make trustworthy friends.

I'm fine when it comes to meeting someone for the first time. But I begin to feel so much pressure when we have to keep being friendly and bubbly with eachother all the time, texting and hanging out whenever we see eachother. It really freaks me out and makes me feel claustrophobic.

Anyways, I was wondering what friendships look like for you guys - like how do you make them manageable? Also, how did you find your close friends?

I've just started university, and have been missing quite a few lectures because of the social anxiety that I feel. I met this girl on the first day who I really like- we even went out for drinks! Then I began to get so tired when she added me to a group chat with other girls, we would sit together with them everyday and I just felt inauthentic and like I was forcing it (and doing a bad job of it!). I accidentally distanced myself from all of them and now we don't talk at all - even though I do like two of the girls - which is so awkward for me!

I just want one or two good friends, but I haven't had any luck in 5 YEARS

  • in reply to I Sperg

    all of my past friends have been NT, and at first I could be quite cold with them due to not understanding their emotions  finding them weird etc.

    then I learnt to be "warmer" and became a "pushover" as they would jokingly say sometimes. which lead to A LOT of bad experiences.

    either way, it was never a profound connection and the friendship felt like something I was roped into and trying my best to pass?? rather than a mutual connection. my most common problems were not having much in common and not having my boundaries respected.

    ahh my DREAM is to find some cat like friends, or even to just get a cat and relinquish my need for humans altogether Joy they're the perfect balance of warm and loving, yet slightly detached. a touch of needy, so I feel appreciated haha

  • in reply to Ultramarine

    thank you so much. I agree with you there - I've never felt really authentic in most of the relationships I've had with other people, which is what made me feel claustrophobic and stressed out. Trying to match my conceived standard of what they expect me to be as a friend, and not getting to be myself. I also have hearing problems which people find really frustrating too. I'm desperate to meet another autsie because somehow I've never met any!

    it's been so long now though, that I'm scared I don't even know what me being authentic in a friendship even looks like. i feel like the best i can do is

    I Sperg said:
    being "professional"

    I'm deff gonna give it time because I refuse to force anything even, even though being so lonely without choosing to be is so depressing Upside down I just hope I'm able to figure it all out and try to remain open and optimistic. I really appreciate your understanding and advice sm - thank you

  • Hello Saffron,

    I'm no expert on friendship, so I don't know if this will help.  But it sounds like you need to give yourself a bit of time to find the kinds of people who you will get on with more naturally, without having to force yourself to be bubbly and extroverted.  It sounds like you didn't have many chances to make friends when you were younger, so maybe it all feels a bit overwhelming now, especially as you've moved somewhere new and are maybe starting from scratch socially.

    From the limited experience that I do have, I know that close friendships are more likely if you can be authentic and honest.  As Martin said, no need to rush to tell people you're autistic, unless you want to do this.  But there must be people out there who have closer personality traits to your own.  (My best friend at university was autistic, even though at the time I didn't think I was!)

  • That's an interesting concept "forcing friendship".

    Do you mean forcing yourself to act in a "friendable way", or have you realised just how malleable and easy to manipulate normies are, if you choose that route? Or both? Or something different?

    When I'm not being "professional" I'm a bit like marmite, people either like me a lot or detest me. I find that cats make far better qality friends than my fellow human beings, mostly for me, as they are super honest, and you always know where you stand with them. They don't steal your stuff, bring trouble home, betray you to your enemies with quite the depressing frequency that humans manage. I do know a coupe of cat like humans though, thank goodness. 

  • in reply to aidie

    done if u can't see it contact me

  • in reply to Ultramarine

    yes u can i will PM u with a invite link

  • in reply to NAS15878

     Being diagnosed will help, not only the imposter syndrome, but with university life. The university is required to make 'reasonable accommodations' so that you are not disadvantaged by your autism. My daughter gets 25% extra time in exams and has been given software to help with organising her time and to record lectures - plus a microphone. She can also contact lecturers to forewarn them that she might ask more questions and need extra clarification about assignments etc., than the average student. Other accommodations are also possible, depending on specific personal needs.

  • we have a chat site (in discord.com) if u are interested ? everyone there is from this NAS site. Its small and relaxed. 

  • in reply to NAS75924

    thank you,

    yes I've been able to speak to people during lectures, especially because we do a lot of group work. but I havent been able to gel with anyone and keep feeling inadequate and incompetent.

    I'm gonna try to tell people I'm autistic and hopefully that will help

  • in reply to Martin

    thank you martin, I've just been scared to be treated like an outcast... but I suppose that's ironically already the case due to myself not being forthcoming! They likely just think me to be very strange.

    also having major imposter syndrome because I haven't been diagnosed yet.

    but I'll definitely try just being straight-up. thank you

  • Students' union societies are a good place to start; especially if you can find a society that fits an existing interest, if not, think of a taster session of something new. My daughter (autistic, in 2nd year of a Chemistry degree) recently joined the Anime society, something she was already interested in and the fencing society, something entirely new. She is enjoying both and going on evening social events. I had a very late diagnosis, so my friends are long-established, but when I told them of my autism, they were uniformly very understanding and accepting. I would advise being a little more open about your needs for alone time and time out from constant social interaction. I'm not advocating telling people that you are autistic immediately, but when you are in a position of feeling that social demands are too much for you I think it would give a better outcome if you were just up front with your friends. You do not have to label your need to take time out as 'autism', if you do not want to, of course. However, if you did so it would tend to separate the 'wheat from the chaff', those who still wanted to be friends with you would be better material for long-term and more close friendship. If you do admit your autism, I would always give some information about how it affects you, and be open to answering questions, not many people are aware of how autism 'works'.

  • Good luck!! my advice would be to try and talk to the people next to you in lectures, atleast thats what ive had the most success with. You could also try to talk to people just before/after lectures but I find that a bit scarier. I always try to scout out the people who look more on the quiet/non comforming side? like who I will most relate too. 

    I have started uni this year and im mostly just hating the workload T-T as I have told people on my course im autistic I think they treat me a bit nicer but idk