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I hate being lonely all the time, but I HATE forcing friendship

NAS15878

I grew up in a manipulative and abusive religious household, and never was allowed to have friends or hang out with people after school when I was younger. I never invited people over because I was basically ashamed.

I'm used to forcibly having to use communication against manipulation, or not at all because I never got the chance to experience friendships or express myself growing up. 

I'm 21 now, and have just started uni. I hated 6th form because I felt disconnected from everyone and not very enthused to get to know new people. I took a break from education to get a place on my own and try to pull myself together, out of the hole my parents left me in, and ever since I left home I really wanted and expected to make some friends. 

But every friendship situation I've been in has felt negative or unrequited, where they are highly social and highly neurotypical, and they grow to resent me for being on the quieter side or not as cool as they'd like/expect. I've only recently come to terms with the fact that I'm autistic, and I feel so much pain that I was so mistreated by my parents' immaturity and how badly that has scarred my charisma and abilities to make trustworthy friends.

I'm fine when it comes to meeting someone for the first time. But I begin to feel so much pressure when we have to keep being friendly and bubbly with eachother all the time, texting and hanging out whenever we see eachother. It really freaks me out and makes me feel claustrophobic.

Anyways, I was wondering what friendships look like for you guys - like how do you make them manageable? Also, how did you find your close friends?

I've just started university, and have been missing quite a few lectures because of the social anxiety that I feel. I met this girl on the first day who I really like- we even went out for drinks! Then I began to get so tired when she added me to a group chat with other girls, we would sit together with them everyday and I just felt inauthentic and like I was forcing it (and doing a bad job of it!). I accidentally distanced myself from all of them and now we don't talk at all - even though I do like two of the girls - which is so awkward for me!

I just want one or two good friends, but I haven't had any luck in 5 YEARS

Parents

  • Students' union societies are a good place to start; especially if you can find a society that fits an existing interest, if not, think of a taster session of something new. My daughter (autistic, in 2nd year of a Chemistry degree) recently joined the Anime society, something she was already interested in and the fencing society, something entirely new. She is enjoying both and going on evening social events. I had a very late diagnosis, so my friends are long-established, but when I told them of my autism, they were uniformly very understanding and accepting. I would advise being a little more open about your needs for alone time and time out from constant social interaction. I'm not advocating telling people that you are autistic immediately, but when you are in a position of feeling that social demands are too much for you I think it would give a better outcome if you were just up front with your friends. You do not have to label your need to take time out as 'autism', if you do not want to, of course. However, if you did so it would tend to separate the 'wheat from the chaff', those who still wanted to be friends with you would be better material for long-term and more close friendship. If you do admit your autism, I would always give some information about how it affects you, and be open to answering questions, not many people are aware of how autism 'works'.

  • in reply to Martin

    thank you martin, I've just been scared to be treated like an outcast... but I suppose that's ironically already the case due to myself not being forthcoming! They likely just think me to be very strange.

    also having major imposter syndrome because I haven't been diagnosed yet.

    but I'll definitely try just being straight-up. thank you

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  • in reply to Martin

    thank you martin, I've just been scared to be treated like an outcast... but I suppose that's ironically already the case due to myself not being forthcoming! They likely just think me to be very strange.

    also having major imposter syndrome because I haven't been diagnosed yet.

    but I'll definitely try just being straight-up. thank you

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