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I hate being lonely all the time, but I HATE forcing friendship

NAS15878

I grew up in a manipulative and abusive religious household, and never was allowed to have friends or hang out with people after school when I was younger. I never invited people over because I was basically ashamed.

I'm used to forcibly having to use communication against manipulation, or not at all because I never got the chance to experience friendships or express myself growing up. 

I'm 21 now, and have just started uni. I hated 6th form because I felt disconnected from everyone and not very enthused to get to know new people. I took a break from education to get a place on my own and try to pull myself together, out of the hole my parents left me in, and ever since I left home I really wanted and expected to make some friends. 

But every friendship situation I've been in has felt negative or unrequited, where they are highly social and highly neurotypical, and they grow to resent me for being on the quieter side or not as cool as they'd like/expect. I've only recently come to terms with the fact that I'm autistic, and I feel so much pain that I was so mistreated by my parents' immaturity and how badly that has scarred my charisma and abilities to make trustworthy friends.

I'm fine when it comes to meeting someone for the first time. But I begin to feel so much pressure when we have to keep being friendly and bubbly with eachother all the time, texting and hanging out whenever we see eachother. It really freaks me out and makes me feel claustrophobic.

Anyways, I was wondering what friendships look like for you guys - like how do you make them manageable? Also, how did you find your close friends?

I've just started university, and have been missing quite a few lectures because of the social anxiety that I feel. I met this girl on the first day who I really like- we even went out for drinks! Then I began to get so tired when she added me to a group chat with other girls, we would sit together with them everyday and I just felt inauthentic and like I was forcing it (and doing a bad job of it!). I accidentally distanced myself from all of them and now we don't talk at all - even though I do like two of the girls - which is so awkward for me!

I just want one or two good friends, but I haven't had any luck in 5 YEARS

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  • Hello Saffron,

    I'm no expert on friendship, so I don't know if this will help.  But it sounds like you need to give yourself a bit of time to find the kinds of people who you will get on with more naturally, without having to force yourself to be bubbly and extroverted.  It sounds like you didn't have many chances to make friends when you were younger, so maybe it all feels a bit overwhelming now, especially as you've moved somewhere new and are maybe starting from scratch socially.

    From the limited experience that I do have, I know that close friendships are more likely if you can be authentic and honest.  As Martin said, no need to rush to tell people you're autistic, unless you want to do this.  But there must be people out there who have closer personality traits to your own.  (My best friend at university was autistic, even though at the time I didn't think I was!)

  • in reply to Ultramarine

    thank you so much. I agree with you there - I've never felt really authentic in most of the relationships I've had with other people, which is what made me feel claustrophobic and stressed out. Trying to match my conceived standard of what they expect me to be as a friend, and not getting to be myself. I also have hearing problems which people find really frustrating too. I'm desperate to meet another autsie because somehow I've never met any!

    it's been so long now though, that I'm scared I don't even know what me being authentic in a friendship even looks like. i feel like the best i can do is

    I Sperg said:
    being "professional"

    I'm deff gonna give it time because I refuse to force anything even, even though being so lonely without choosing to be is so depressing Upside down I just hope I'm able to figure it all out and try to remain open and optimistic. I really appreciate your understanding and advice sm - thank you

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  • in reply to Ultramarine

    thank you so much. I agree with you there - I've never felt really authentic in most of the relationships I've had with other people, which is what made me feel claustrophobic and stressed out. Trying to match my conceived standard of what they expect me to be as a friend, and not getting to be myself. I also have hearing problems which people find really frustrating too. I'm desperate to meet another autsie because somehow I've never met any!

    it's been so long now though, that I'm scared I don't even know what me being authentic in a friendship even looks like. i feel like the best i can do is

    I Sperg said:
    being "professional"

    I'm deff gonna give it time because I refuse to force anything even, even though being so lonely without choosing to be is so depressing Upside down I just hope I'm able to figure it all out and try to remain open and optimistic. I really appreciate your understanding and advice sm - thank you

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