My wife has recently been diagnosed with ASD. I am reading as much as I can online but wondered if anyone can help me with some do's and dont's. I know it is different for everyone but I'm sure there are some standard techniques to help me help her. I would be most grateful for your thoughts.
As Tassimo said, and others have implied, that's a very open ended question and it depends on the nature of your wife's autism and how it manifests itself, as well as your own personality.
But you're asking that question, which is GREAT. I can't tell you how important that is. It speaks volumes about you, all of it positive. Massively, massively positive.
I, too, have an intelligent, loving, wonderful partner; with hindsight (never at the time) I realise the patience she's sometimes deployed with me; she's a strong, resilient, incredible woman and I am so, so lucky that she is who she is. I'll never underestimate the importance of that, but I don't always realise that she's having a difficult time, until afterwards, because I'm running one operating system and she's running a different one.
You're reading, and researching, and asking questions, so that you can come at this from a more informed base. My wife does the same. How bloody fantastic is that? And what more could anyone ask?
The two of you will have to work this out and it may take time. There isn't a manual. But I'm guessing you'll be fine.
This wouldn't work for everyone but I have a strong affinity for dogs and can emotionally connect with them and so does my wife. I love training them, and engaging with with, and again, so does she. I don't know how to describe this but the shared love of our German Shepherd (and his predecessor, also a Shepherd) is important. The dog, by the way, doesn't care if you have autism or not; if you treat a dog right, they'll just love you, unconditionally. That wouldn't be everyone's thing, but it's terrific, for us.
I would say listen, hard, even to the small things. Don't worry if you get things wrong. If you love her (and I suspect you do, very much, from your question), then she's the same person you loved before she had a diagnosis.
But the diagnosis may give you a framework within which mutual understanding will flourish more easily, and misunderstandings can be reduced. It may make practical issues easier.
I wish you all the best ... and thank you, for asking that question.
I love the fact that you are taking time to work out how best to support her.
There is a great book called the aspergers couples workbook by Maxine Aston that will give you some v good starting points.
Please be patient and understand that she never means to hurt you. My husband still doesn't quite understand yet and we have some tricky moments. Small steps.
You being open and willing to learn is awesome and I am sure that she really appreciates that.
I think ASD is such a personal thing that nobody could really tell you without really knowing your wife. There are some things my wife and I have talked about that are red flags for me. These may seem such simple things to a 'normal person' but can set 'us ' off.
Changes of plans. I have a picture of my day in my head and if I get asked to say stop at the shop on the way home it really throws me.
Blurting stuff out without thinking too much and maybe in a way that doesn't sound kind. I get told I am being nasty saying things in a certian way but I am not I am just betting frustrated with myself not being able to explain things.
Dont be too hard on her for simple domestic things. Ours is loading the dishwasher, my wife says its wrong, I say its just diffrent and put it on before she notices. Look at the bigger picture.
Be kind and understanding. She is still the person you married, she just now has a diffrent label.
The key for me is not being pushed to do things I find uncomftable. Try and get your wife to explain why she may not want to do something and accept it doesn't have to be something you understand but just try and accept what she says. Think about stuff you maybe had problems with in the past and how her ASD may be the cause of that?
Good luck.
Rob
ASD is a broad spectrum, but in general, she might need a lot of personal space and time to herself, and that is for her personal health and well being, because things might overwhelm her (like group settings, outdoor hustle and bustle, sounds, bright lights, etc.) and she might need a place to destress from that, and focus on her own personal interests, or else she might get very upset and have a meltdown.
She might have issues maintaining friendships due to becoming drained by social interactions and needing a lot of recovery and personal time to relax and be by herself, and I would not say that many people would understand this need for personal space to be by yourself, that it might be perceived as ignoring, being uncaring, being unsupportive, absent, and this miscommunication creates a lot of issues.
There might be other factors to her ASD as well, and because I don't know how your wife is like, I can't neccessarily give you more information. But you seem caring enough to look things up to try and help her where you can (and if that isn't love, I don't know what is).
Hi 55. Welcome to the forum. You're asking a very open question. It's impossible to give you general do's and dont's because everybody is different, so you'll need to be more specific about what it is your wife is struggling with exactly. There are common areas of difficulties that autistic people share, but how each person is affected can vary dramatically depending on age, gender, background, support network. Autism can manifest differently in women and men.
Does she find it hard to understand what you or others are thinking or feeling?
Does she get anxious about social situations?
Does she find it hard to make friends and/or prefer to be on her own?
Does she struggle with light, sound or touch?
