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Ghost

Hi, I live in Wales, UK

I'm going through a hard time at the moment and often fantasise about self harming again to release my emotional tension;
I can't even watch a TV episode without breaking down, I'm filled with so much anxiety and frustration

After calling in sick on and off for a few weeks.  I just accepted another 3 months sick leave from my job. I have a 0 hour contract and told them that I wont be back for a long time so they'd probably be better off finding a replacement. So I've probably just lost yet another job..

I can't hold down a part time job for any longer then 3/4 months without melting down, how am I ever supposed to become indipendant and rent or buy my own home? Am I destined to live with my mother for ever?! I turned 32 this year, I hate myself for not being able to cope

I've not been in a relationship for over 3 years. I'm afraid of even having a date, I think they'd be better off finding someone else. But I'm so lonely. I push people I'm attracted to away because I just go blank when I'm around them, Think they could do better, can't cope with the stress or potential emotional rollercoaster of a relationship

I feel so alienated by the world. nothing makes sense.

I only got told that I might have ASD about a month ago and after reading about it and listen to other peoples stories did it really click and I cried for about 20 minutes, realising that I will never have the life I want. realising that I will always struggle

I've suffered from neglect and abuse when I was younger.

I've been really suicidal in the past and self harmed and am worried that I might end up going down that route again.

I am trying to get support. But it's so hard, not really knowing how & having to talk about everything so openly. Stuff I've never told anyone
It's so hard talking to people. Once you say something you can't take it back...

Parents

  • Hello

    I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

      If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support. 

      

    If it’s outside your GP hours call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service: 

    https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/ 

     

    The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org. 

     

    MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.  

     

    If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support. 

     

    You can find more information here: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

    All the best,

    ChloeMod

  • in reply to Chloe Mod

    Hi Chloe, thank you.

    Well.. my first post was over 5,000 words so I tried bullet points instead...  I've managed to stay away from cutting for now. I've moved anything that I can cut with far out of reach and out of eye sight. Though it's often on my mind. I've hit myself in the head a little... gently. But I mostly just try and pace back and fourth to tire myself out. Or exercise when I have space. I only have a small room in my mothers house and she doesn't like it when my stuff leaves my room. I hope to have my own space one day where I can play music, paint and exercise when I need to calm down. I feel quite claustrophobic and restricted here.

    I've talked to them about it.  But I don't like that they put it on my record.  I usually have so much to say but the appointments are so short and there's only so much I can let out in one go. I feel like you need to get to the point so fast but it takes time to build up the trust to talk about some things.
    I have talked to them though. They don't know that I feel like self harming a lot of the time. I also have a fear of being taken somewhere against my will so I'll downplay some things.

    I just feel like every time I try and ask for help, for actionable advice i just get signposted elsewhere

Reply
  • in reply to Chloe Mod

    Hi Chloe, thank you.

    Well.. my first post was over 5,000 words so I tried bullet points instead...  I've managed to stay away from cutting for now. I've moved anything that I can cut with far out of reach and out of eye sight. Though it's often on my mind. I've hit myself in the head a little... gently. But I mostly just try and pace back and fourth to tire myself out. Or exercise when I have space. I only have a small room in my mothers house and she doesn't like it when my stuff leaves my room. I hope to have my own space one day where I can play music, paint and exercise when I need to calm down. I feel quite claustrophobic and restricted here.

    I've talked to them about it.  But I don't like that they put it on my record.  I usually have so much to say but the appointments are so short and there's only so much I can let out in one go. I feel like you need to get to the point so fast but it takes time to build up the trust to talk about some things.
    I have talked to them though. They don't know that I feel like self harming a lot of the time. I also have a fear of being taken somewhere against my will so I'll downplay some things.

    I just feel like every time I try and ask for help, for actionable advice i just get signposted elsewhere

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