My husband not understanding my sons Autism

I like winning and losing at board games very much. but in real life I found I disliked "Winning" almost as much as I disliked "losing".

I really like getting a win-win scenario, except in the scenarios where someone initiates all out conflict with me, and makes any chance of getting a nice result impossible, in which case I will feel pleasure at crushing their dreams of adequacy.

This thread was wonderfully illuminating, and since my default when meetinig someone in the same line of business was to offer the hand of friendship, it used to make me said when they almost always reject it, and try to *** with me instead. 

Logically I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that if you want to get a large job done quickly, then co-operation is the path to sucess, not competion...  

I Sperg said:

I really rated your post as wonderfully insightful

Thank you! 

I don't want to generalise too much. But it would be well worth the investigation if we had good evidence from Autistic Males on this exact topic. If even to aid/relieve the younger AS generation. Allistic males can get trapped in their perception of competition and Allistic Females will engage right along without thought. 

Yeah, in my businesses I've always tended to seek co-operation rather than competion with others in the same line.Now I know why some of them looked at me as if I were deranged, and mostly why it's been so spectacularly unsucessful for me!

And you comment about step parents fits my experience, as does your description of how traumatising it is for a kid when the sword of damocles is hovering over their every day in the form of an unstable and "Discipliny" sort of parenting. You simply CANNOT beat Autism out of a child. 

*edit, this is too "dry". I really rated your post as wonderfully insightful it resonated with me, and educated me at the same time. Good stuff!

Step parents can be problematic in situations like this as it is easier (though not always the case) where biological parents can respect the similarities shared. Immature individuals who are stuck in a sort of cognitive distortion https://www.healthline.com/health/cognitive-distortions#how-to-change and cannot quite understand the responsibilities they've 'signed up for', are a particular type of "joy" in dealing with. I have had no problem breaking up with boyfriends who were insecure or immature toward me or my son (now 25). I'm just not sure how to handle someone much older who not only acts younger than my son but thinks it's OK to add insult to injury. First, what pleasure do they get from this and second, they'll eventually do it to me. I'm being kind when saying it's immature and uneducated.

I always advise a parent to work on themselves before 'discipling' a child and while your son isn't a child, ideally there should be a Mentoring rather than berating, dismissing or diminishing. It sounds like you may have had this conversation, but perhaps your husband can work on managing himself & his expectations before he sees fit to manage others? How would he get on if there was a daily oppression and discontent hovering over his head? It's not how someone succeeds. These sort need to learn to inspire, to help, not hinder further. 

From my understanding, it does seem as though there is a community of AS males who would suggest that our Autism Spectrum mindset works better with cooperation rather than competition. To generalise, Neurotypical Men prefer competition (which I would suggest is the opposite of cooperation), which supposedly spurs young cubs into adulthood. This works for animals as well. It's observed in the wild when young humans are just starting out on a football pitch complete with a loud coach or a collective are in the park being yelled at (for enjoyment) by a Fitness Trainer. This tactic is sport on Top Gear, if you enjoy it, it's good to watch for understanding this Neanderthal-like behaviour. Unfortunately, Autistic individuals can view this boorishness as undisciplined, childish and something to avoid, so he's probably not responding, but has a working mental list of judgements and possibly working on an escape plan. I'm guessing your relationship with your son is important and it's worth investing in as is teaching him he can trust you. 

Can your son jump onto this forum or another? He's 19 and he could probably use connecting to other AS males who might be older, have similar pasts and helpful advice. 

But the husband really could use a mentor himself - If it's worth salvaging, None of us should ever stop growing, to be fair, but it would make everyones life a little better if he learned new innovative tactics for inspiring our future leaders - or future hairdressers! 

Hi NAS74984, thank you for sharing with the online community and I am sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. Unfortunately, we are not able to offer direct support to people who are searching for work. However, here are some resources which may help your son.

Firstly, our ‘Finding Work’ handbook aims to support autistic job seekers to find work. This digital workbook is designed to help autistic adults prepare themselves for employment. Topics include understanding autism better, choosing a suitable role, applying for roles, preparing for and getting through interviews, finding work experience, working on communication and social skills, managing anxiety and preparing for the workplace. It can be downloaded for free here: https://www.autism.org.uk/shop/products/books-and-resources/finding-work-interactive-ebook.

We have also made available a free online learning module designed to help autistic job seekers entering the job market in understanding their strengths and what next steps they could take towards gaining meaningful employment or work:
https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/professional-development/training-and-conferences/employment/finding-employment.

Additionally, it could be worthwhile looking at the Evenbreak website for listed job vacancies (http://www.evenbreak.co.uk/). Even break matches disabled job seekers with employers looking to build a diverse workforce.

The British Association of Supported Employment, who have a database of supported employment agencies, so you can search for one in your local area: www.base-uk.org.

Remploy, an organisation which supports people with disabilities and those experiencing complex barriers to work, into mainstream employment: www.remploy.co.uk. 

Finally, your son can find more information about seeking a job, and about rights in work here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/employment.

Best wishes,

Anna Mod

I mean it really depends on the environment you work for and the people within that environment. There are workplace bullies, there are bullies as bosses, but not everyone is a bully, and more often than not, other people don't like bullies either. 

But we are stuck in a stupid monetary capitalistic system, that creates inequity and different classes by default, just because some people can have more or less money than others. 

I was thinking about creating a business to hire those on the autistic spectrum, so they can work remotely from home, and not have to be forced to socialize with others in a popularity contest, and they can use their creative and intellectual skills to create something they like. I know hard it is to be forced outside when you are struggling with a lot of things like depression, anxiety, and the like, and having to pretend you're not suffering through any of that. So it'll be nice to have work that's catered towards those on the spectrum. But that's just my idealistic mindset at play. I'm not really business savvy. I just inherently would like it if we can't fit the mould, that we create something for ourselves that fits us instead. For autistics by autistics, sort of deal.

Maybe, he has figured out that whilst work was once a noble occupation where a single breadwinner could run a family, it's now a circle jerk and popularity contest where if you jump through all the ever changing hoops a young person just MIGHT qualify for a forty year mortgage 0n an ex-council house, and MIGHT be able to make every single payment whilst their income goes up and down, the value of their money goes up and down, and the TV PUMPS dissatisfaction into their lives by showing them how much better in life everyone else seems to be doing? 

Maybe he's bright enough to see that the workplace is just like school, where the vacuous but popular kids became the bosses, the bullies became worse, and are now able to threaten you with loss of income, AND  THERE IS F.A. OPPORTUNITY OF ADVANCEMENT FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU DON'T FIT THE MOULD?

I've been in your son's position before for a number of years. I can only think that in his mind, he's fearing that the worse things will happen when he gets a job, he might not feel prepared enough, or mentally ready for such a huge change, which creates the meltdowns. I mean, if he has a certain routine he's comfortable with, it's hard or even frightening to be dragged or forced away from it, to travel to a new place with new people, which seems like it's going to be dangerous and unpredictable. He might feel out of place in a new environment, and that can bring about anxiety. 

I think that perhaps he could be reminded that employers don't expect new hires to be absolutely perfect, and whatever he manages to do is fine. He got through hairdressing school and everything. I mean most people (including myself) would be completely mortified to cut our own hair, and we'd rather pay people who know what they're doing to cut it for us. 

Maybe you can do a home business for him and sell the products online.