My husband not understanding my sons Autism

Step parents can be problematic in situations like this as it is easier (though not always the case) where biological parents can respect the similarities shared. Immature individuals who are stuck in a sort of cognitive distortion https://www.healthline.com/health/cognitive-distortions#how-to-change and cannot quite understand the responsibilities they've 'signed up for', are a particular type of "joy" in dealing with. I have had no problem breaking up with boyfriends who were insecure or immature toward me or my son (now 25). I'm just not sure how to handle someone much older who not only acts younger than my son but thinks it's OK to add insult to injury. First, what pleasure do they get from this and second, they'll eventually do it to me. I'm being kind when saying it's immature and uneducated.

I always advise a parent to work on themselves before 'discipling' a child and while your son isn't a child, ideally there should be a Mentoring rather than berating, dismissing or diminishing. It sounds like you may have had this conversation, but perhaps your husband can work on managing himself & his expectations before he sees fit to manage others? How would he get on if there was a daily oppression and discontent hovering over his head? It's not how someone succeeds. These sort need to learn to inspire, to help, not hinder further. 

From my understanding, it does seem as though there is a community of AS males who would suggest that our Autism Spectrum mindset works better with cooperation rather than competition. To generalise, Neurotypical Men prefer competition (which I would suggest is the opposite of cooperation), which supposedly spurs young cubs into adulthood. This works for animals as well. It's observed in the wild when young humans are just starting out on a football pitch complete with a loud coach or a collective are in the park being yelled at (for enjoyment) by a Fitness Trainer. This tactic is sport on Top Gear, if you enjoy it, it's good to watch for understanding this Neanderthal-like behaviour. Unfortunately, Autistic individuals can view this boorishness as undisciplined, childish and something to avoid, so he's probably not responding, but has a working mental list of judgements and possibly working on an escape plan. I'm guessing your relationship with your son is important and it's worth investing in as is teaching him he can trust you. 

Can your son jump onto this forum or another? He's 19 and he could probably use connecting to other AS males who might be older, have similar pasts and helpful advice. 

But the husband really could use a mentor himself - If it's worth salvaging, None of us should ever stop growing, to be fair, but it would make everyones life a little better if he learned new innovative tactics for inspiring our future leaders - or future hairdressers! 

Step parents can be problematic in situations like this as it is easier (though not always the case) where biological parents can respect the similarities shared. Immature individuals who are stuck in a sort of cognitive distortion https://www.healthline.com/health/cognitive-distortions#how-to-change and cannot quite understand the responsibilities they've 'signed up for', are a particular type of "joy" in dealing with. I have had no problem breaking up with boyfriends who were insecure or immature toward me or my son (now 25). I'm just not sure how to handle someone much older who not only acts younger than my son but thinks it's OK to add insult to injury. First, what pleasure do they get from this and second, they'll eventually do it to me. I'm being kind when saying it's immature and uneducated.

I always advise a parent to work on themselves before 'discipling' a child and while your son isn't a child, ideally there should be a Mentoring rather than berating, dismissing or diminishing. It sounds like you may have had this conversation, but perhaps your husband can work on managing himself & his expectations before he sees fit to manage others? How would he get on if there was a daily oppression and discontent hovering over his head? It's not how someone succeeds. These sort need to learn to inspire, to help, not hinder further. 

From my understanding, it does seem as though there is a community of AS males who would suggest that our Autism Spectrum mindset works better with cooperation rather than competition. To generalise, Neurotypical Men prefer competition (which I would suggest is the opposite of cooperation), which supposedly spurs young cubs into adulthood. This works for animals as well. It's observed in the wild when young humans are just starting out on a football pitch complete with a loud coach or a collective are in the park being yelled at (for enjoyment) by a Fitness Trainer. This tactic is sport on Top Gear, if you enjoy it, it's good to watch for understanding this Neanderthal-like behaviour. Unfortunately, Autistic individuals can view this boorishness as undisciplined, childish and something to avoid, so he's probably not responding, but has a working mental list of judgements and possibly working on an escape plan. I'm guessing your relationship with your son is important and it's worth investing in as is teaching him he can trust you. 

Can your son jump onto this forum or another? He's 19 and he could probably use connecting to other AS males who might be older, have similar pasts and helpful advice. 

But the husband really could use a mentor himself - If it's worth salvaging, None of us should ever stop growing, to be fair, but it would make everyones life a little better if he learned new innovative tactics for inspiring our future leaders - or future hairdressers! 

Yeah, in my businesses I've always tended to seek co-operation rather than competion with others in the same line.Now I know why some of them looked at me as if I were deranged, and mostly why it's been so spectacularly unsucessful for me!

And you comment about step parents fits my experience, as does your description of how traumatising it is for a kid when the sword of damocles is hovering over their every day in the form of an unstable and "Discipliny" sort of parenting. You simply CANNOT beat Autism out of a child. 

*edit, this is too "dry". I really rated your post as wonderfully insightful it resonated with me, and educated me at the same time. Good stuff!