Female partner of 27 y/o with Aspergers

Have you heard the expression out of sight is out of mind? If you have a predisposition to absent mindedness you develop a coping strategy of leaving anything you need to attend to out in a place you can see it. So if his bed is covered in paper, tools and nick nacks it may very well be to remind him to do it. In fact putting it on his bed may be his way of making sure before bed time the job gets done.

if it’s just empty food packets and dirty dishes though then no that’s mostly just him being too tired / lazy to clean up.

as for bills it sounds like he’s willing to pay his way. He’s just very absent minded and pedantic about splitting the bills. I’m sorry but there is no way around  autistic pedantry you’ll just have to engage with it. Even if that means splitting the bill is like doing a maths exam every time.

the key to managing mental load with very absent minded people is shifting that load to computers / paper. Lists. You need lots of lists. And they need to be ‘our’ lists not your lists for him.

next time you need to make a ‘mental note’ to keep the house running don't. Put it on a list somewhere instead and make sure he knows he can do the same. (Be ready for long complex notes) that way you share responsibility for the mental load.

For the money side of things we have a joint account for bills, every month we have a standing order that pays a % of our earnings which covers everything (it’s 50% each I think but not actually 50/50 because I earn a lot more) then what’s left is still completely separate rather than the old fashioned we just have one joint account between us approach (although my Dad was so awful with money that did actually work out best for my parents, if he needed cash my Mum would write the PIN number for his card on his hand. The only thing he ever really bought was fuel on his company credit card) My husband dumps everything down the side of the bed as well, he is quite blind to mess. I’ve put a small laundry basket in that general area for him to ignore but he does usually need to be told because his executive functioning is awful. I know how you mean about it being draining always having to say and you feel you shouldn’t need to explain to grown men that the washing up needs to be done everyday and once in a blue moon isn’t helpful to you. My friends have a chore chart which works for them it has the days on and jobs and then they write their names in so if it’s your day to clean the bathroom the other will have their name in the hoovering box, washing up every other day etc

NAS74934 said:

Ive tried to broach the subject before and he is good at acknowledging these things but I don’t think anything has really changed

I get this a lot from my wife...I have the very best intention of doing the things I say at the time I say them... but later it just doesn't happen. It's kind of hard to know if it's because of my autism, being male or (very rarely I'm sure) because I'm lazy.

It could be because it's because it becomes difficult in my head when it comes time do it - many autists can over-analyze situations, and struggle with change.

Using the mess down the side of the bed incident for a contrived example... I'll go to tidy it up after the discussion... in my head I work out the logical steps... shoes are on top I'll deal with those first, then the dirty clothes in the basket, etc.

Mmmm... I don't know where to put my shoes, my misses hasn't told me where I can put my shoes, but she's at work, I don't want to move her stuff without asking, and I know she's already annoyed that I have so much stuff... ach it's too difficult! At this point my head won't deviate from the initial shoes first plan, so I'm stuck. I'll do it later....

Sometimes it's an empathy thing where I can't understand why it upsets her... I don't mind the mess, it's on my side of the bed, why does it matter?

NAS74934 said:

He set up a spreadsheet and arranged a standing order

This sounds like me - I know I struggle to get stuff done so I look for ways to automate or make things easier. Perhaps it's worth exploring why it's difficult to do X, and try to work around it?

EG: I was struggling to wash my clothes years back. Part of the problem was all the shirts mixed up with trousers, and underwear and socks. So now I have 3 double side washing hampers (socks/underwear, shirts/hoodies, shorts/trousers). I also buy my clothes in bulk so I can wait till I have a full load of just socks for example.

I used to resist this sort of thing thinking "everyone else can do their washing without trouble... I'm just going to do it" (and then I didn't of course). Later, and especially since my recent autism self-diagnosis, I spend the time to analyse the most important tasks and try to be creative in making it easier.

For your varying electricity bill for example, I would be happier paying a flat amount extra each month even it means I pay more than my share.

Final suggestion: I find it easier to tackle things like this with a sense of joint-venture. If you tell me to do X I might resist, if you suggest we do X & Y together I will probably agree. So maybe you both set up to pay a flat amount extra each month into a separate bill paying account... anything left over at the year end can be spent on luxuries, donated to charity, etc.