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Female partner of 27 y/o with Aspergers

NAS74934

Myself (f, 24) and my partner (27, m) moved in together in march of this year and oh my gosh its been hard. I’ve been as accommodating as I can because he has moved into my house with me and we’ve been getting along amazingly but occasionally there’s moments where I’m really struggling to understand if he’s being a typical bloke or if the Aspergers side of him that’s coming out. For example, he leaves a massive mess down his side of the bed and I have to ask him to move it otherwise he never does. Its been hard and mentally straining for me because I do sometimes feel as though all the mental strain is on me. Financially were still setting up the bills and things because we’re waiting for his name to be confirmed on my tenancy agreement; which means were splitting things 50/50 and if I don’t ask for the money I don’t get it. He set up a spreadsheet and arranged a standing order for most of it but a varying amount for the electric as were on a smart meter. When I asked him about it I got a massive complicated answer that I still don’t fully understand. 

Its f****** hard sometimes because we do have small arguments but I don’t know if in his mind he’s just being logical or if were just disagreeing. The mental strain is beginning to get to me because if I don’t do anything around the house or keep mental notes on what we need or what’s happening then nothing happens. Ive tried to broach the subject before and he is good at acknowledging these things but I don’t think anything has really changed. 

I love him so much and he is so affectionate and loving but sometimes its so hard for me to understand and I want some of this mental load off my head.

Any thoughts?

Parents

  • Have you heard the expression out of sight is out of mind? If you have a predisposition to absent mindedness you develop a coping strategy of leaving anything you need to attend to out in a place you can see it. So if his bed is covered in paper, tools and nick nacks it may very well be to remind him to do it. In fact putting it on his bed may be his way of making sure before bed time the job gets done.

    if it’s just empty food packets and dirty dishes though then no that’s mostly just him being too tired / lazy to clean up.

    as for bills it sounds like he’s willing to pay his way. He’s just very absent minded and pedantic about splitting the bills. I’m sorry but there is no way around  autistic pedantry you’ll just have to engage with it. Even if that means splitting the bill is like doing a maths exam every time.

    the key to managing mental load with very absent minded people is shifting that load to computers / paper. Lists. You need lots of lists. And they need to be ‘our’ lists not your lists for him.

    next time you need to make a ‘mental note’ to keep the house running don't. Put it on a list somewhere instead and make sure he knows he can do the same. (Be ready for long complex notes) that way you share responsibility for the mental load.

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  • Have you heard the expression out of sight is out of mind? If you have a predisposition to absent mindedness you develop a coping strategy of leaving anything you need to attend to out in a place you can see it. So if his bed is covered in paper, tools and nick nacks it may very well be to remind him to do it. In fact putting it on his bed may be his way of making sure before bed time the job gets done.

    if it’s just empty food packets and dirty dishes though then no that’s mostly just him being too tired / lazy to clean up.

    as for bills it sounds like he’s willing to pay his way. He’s just very absent minded and pedantic about splitting the bills. I’m sorry but there is no way around  autistic pedantry you’ll just have to engage with it. Even if that means splitting the bill is like doing a maths exam every time.

    the key to managing mental load with very absent minded people is shifting that load to computers / paper. Lists. You need lots of lists. And they need to be ‘our’ lists not your lists for him.

    next time you need to make a ‘mental note’ to keep the house running don't. Put it on a list somewhere instead and make sure he knows he can do the same. (Be ready for long complex notes) that way you share responsibility for the mental load.

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