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ASD and ADHD.

Johdan

Since last posting on this forum it has come to light that I may suffer from undiagnosed ADHD. If it is true it would explain an awful lot of things about my past, the struggles I currently face in my personal and work life, and also with some of my frustration when trying to communicate with my partner, who is autistic. I guess time will tell. I am currently trying to get a diagnosis, but it is slow going and I don't expect anything to change any time soon. I can't afford to go private to speed things up.

Emotionally I am up and down. I often find it difficult to confront my partner with things that are upsetting me, partly because I sometimes find it difficult to pin down exactly why I'm upset, and partly because I find it difficult to recount specific details of things that have already happened. Often he interrupts which causes the conversation to go in a different direction, or I spend so long trying to explain myself that I end up forgetting the point I was trying to make in the first place. Sometimes I cant get the words out at all. I'm told that it may be down to issues with my working memory. Again. a lot of things are starting to make sense in this context. I am finding loads of great info and self help resources ADHD and am doing my best to get to grips with it.

I have spoken to my partner about it. He is very supportive, as he usually is, but I don't want to make such a big thing out of this until I have some kind of formal diagnosis and can give him some concrete information. It could still be wrong. I could just be an overemotional, disorganised, flaky.... whatever.

To be fair to him, when I have managed to get my point across when discussing problems in our relationship he has taken it to heart and things seem to be improving a bit between us, even when I left the conversations feeling like I hadn't gotten to the point. He got it, and that was such a good surprise and huge comfort. He is being a lot kinder lately. He told me about a few things I do that annoy him too, so I am trying to work on those things.  Lately though that has become the other reason I find it hard to call him out when he hurts my feelings or upsets me. I know he doesn't mean it and I know how hard he tries to show me he loves me in other ways. I don't want him to feel like I don't appreciate it by constantly getting upset when he says something that makes me feel stupid or irrelevant (He can be quite cheeky and rude, it is his sense of humour and sometimes it is really cute and sexy and funny, but sometimes it is a bit too cutting, and it's just getting harder to smile and shrug it off, especially if my day has already been stressful and difficult and I just want my partner to say something nice). It is getting harder to ignore my insecurities and the occasional bit of validation would just make so much difference. I know that is difficult for him to recognise this though. Sometimes when I try and bring things up he just says he is just joking and I need to get a sense of humour. Sometimes I just don't want to ruin an evening that has been otherwise pleasant by bringing up something negative, especially as we have been getting on much better lately. I hate people who constantly nag and I refuse to become like that myself. 

My diagnosis is probably going to take some time. I have been referred to an Adult neurology team but I have been waiting for months for an appointment. I have chased it up and been told I just have to sit tight and wait to be contacted.

I'm feeling pretty lonely. I wonder if there is anyone on here in a relationship like this - one with ASD and one with ADHD, and if so, how does it affect your relationship with your partner, and how do you navigate it? I would love to hear any perspectives on this.

Parents

  • Hello, and welcome. It is a very messy place to get into the world of human, diagnoses and mental illnesses. It could be never ending, going from one thing to the next. Unless you need support at work or in everyday living on a constant basis then you are better working - out your own life. You seem to be becoming aware, little by little of the problems and obstacles you both face as a couple and individually. This is progress without bogging yourself down elsewhere. A diagnose in ADHD or anything else may be helpful but it is not a magic wand to banish all your problems away. They still remain. 

    Reading between the lines of what you write, I would say your ( both ) problem is that you are living in the state of fear and doubt. This is a problem many people do not recognise for years or decades for a variety of reasons. If the body has experienced trauma in the past i.e break up of parents, unhappy childhood, abuse, physically or mentally etc etc which can also lead to later mental health problems like OCD, ADHD and a fight or flight mode being permanently taken on by the body, which as I say, is not always recognised by everyday living or the mind. Trauma is stored in the body so the best therapy are those that make you feel safe within your body, like yoga, martial arts or whatever floats your boat. 

    I'm glad you are sweet with each other. That is a great foundation. 

  • in reply to Turtle

    Hi Turtle,

    Thanks for the response. I definitely understand what you are saying as regards a diagnosis, and I am not looking for a magic cure-all. I don't think a lot will change in my immediate day to day life but I am hopeful I will be able to come off medication that I know is not doing anything for me, and maybe have access to help that actually helps instead of going round in circles as I have for most of my life. At the very least I would have an explanation as to why I find everything so difficult. I have skills and talent, but I have never been able to utilise those successfully, and I feel like if I don't try and do something now, I will regret it forever. Opportunities are passing me by while I sit here struggling and getting old. I can't keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. After decades of this, something has to change. I've come as far as I can on my own. I am proud of that, but I really could do with some support, even if it is just to help me in the right direction.

    But I guess my biggest priority as regards my relationship is understanding and managing my emotions better (this is a problem at my job too). If I cant do it for myself then how can I expect my partner to understand? If I know he is joking with his little jibes, why does it still hurt so much sometimes? I wish I knew how to talk to him about it in a way that doesn't make me seem like a humourless *** or make him feel unappreciated. Maybe he wouldn't. I don't know. I'm so tired of second guessing everything. 

  • in reply to Johdan

    If you've been struggling for decades then I would agree something has got to change. You say you would like some help going forward so maybe you could try :

    1. Speak to your GP and ask for counselling. It will depend on your area but there may or may not be a waiting list. Anything from a few weeks to a few months. This is usually general CBT which some people on here have found helpful while others not so helpful. 

    2. Seek out and pay for private therapy specialising in the areas you have identified you need help with.

    3. Speak to your GP about gradually coming off your current medication you say has no effect or discuss other medication options that could be better for you. After your diagnoses you may have a clearer path to specific medication for your condition. 

    4. Start doing something new. Exercise, Yoga, Martial Arts, cold water swimming, meditation etc etc.

    5. Be kinder to yourself. Take self-care seriously. Oiling your body is an ancient self-care practise or you may want to start-off with a massage once a month or so, a jacuzzi etc. Taking small steps to self-care is always the right direction.

    In the meantime, there is also a very good thread you might find useful, started by Ethan about dealing with uncertainty and managing emotions. There are real life insights and resources throughout. 

    https://community.autism.org.uk/f/health-and-wellbeing/20779/intolerance-of-uncertainty-and-managing-emotions

Reply
  • in reply to Johdan

    If you've been struggling for decades then I would agree something has got to change. You say you would like some help going forward so maybe you could try :

    1. Speak to your GP and ask for counselling. It will depend on your area but there may or may not be a waiting list. Anything from a few weeks to a few months. This is usually general CBT which some people on here have found helpful while others not so helpful. 

    2. Seek out and pay for private therapy specialising in the areas you have identified you need help with.

    3. Speak to your GP about gradually coming off your current medication you say has no effect or discuss other medication options that could be better for you. After your diagnoses you may have a clearer path to specific medication for your condition. 

    4. Start doing something new. Exercise, Yoga, Martial Arts, cold water swimming, meditation etc etc.

    5. Be kinder to yourself. Take self-care seriously. Oiling your body is an ancient self-care practise or you may want to start-off with a massage once a month or so, a jacuzzi etc. Taking small steps to self-care is always the right direction.

    In the meantime, there is also a very good thread you might find useful, started by Ethan about dealing with uncertainty and managing emotions. There are real life insights and resources throughout. 

    https://community.autism.org.uk/f/health-and-wellbeing/20779/intolerance-of-uncertainty-and-managing-emotions

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