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Hello. Hope you are okay. I considered for a while whether or not to reply. I thought perhaps it might be best for a more experienced forum member to do so. But then I thought I could offer something, and I hope it comes across in helpful ways.

I don't and can't know your own relationship. However, what I think I glean is that your emotional needs from the relationship are currently not being met in a way that makes you feel loved and appreciated. That is understandable. For some people, that can be really challenging to experience (for various reasons - I don't want to presume anything). I have gone through that.

From my own personal experiences, from both sides (both a person with a fear of rejection, and also the late-hopefully-diagnosed person with autism) I would just ask you to step back and consider what might be your husband's point of view.

"My husband is highly intelligent and does try every day of his life to adjust - however the reason we wanted to get this diagnosis was because he has huge trouble showing emotion, care, being intimate or building a meaningful relationship with me."

The first question I would ask you to consider, is - are you really sure your husband himself wants the diagnosis?

The second question I would ask you to consider is - the huge trouble he has showing emotion, care, building a meaningful relationship etc: whose preference or standard is this based on? Might it be his? Might it be yours? Might it (quite naturally) be based on ideal relationships viewed in the media? Or perhaps (again, quite commonly), the preferences or standards of parental figures in your lives?

I am not yet diagnosed, so I don't have "official" knowledge. But I imagine that a formal diagnosis might (or, should, really, in my opinion), be about helping the person find self-acceptance and understanding of themselves as they are. A lot of people on the spectrum have a particular sensitivity to being told to "fix" themselves, "tackle the problem", or "improve". We have been told to do so our whole lives, often by non-understanding, at times unfortunately abusive, parental figures.

I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt and think you don't intend to use these words in a harmful way. But I think it would help to be aware that they have damaging connotations - underlying meanings - for many.

Again, I say this with understanding of both sides. In fact, I myself quite recently made a similar mistake with a person I care about, even with my experience and knowledge as a presumed autistic person. I had to really step back and ask myself to remember all the above, and stop myself.

On a more positive note, I think there are ways you could work through this together. One could be identifying ways you both like to show and share affection, and feel affection. Could he write down how he feels? Would you feel cared for with that? Could he play you music that shows his feelings? Could you share intimacy in a slower, calmer, sweet way? And therefore reduce any pressure? Could he draw you lots of hearts on a piece of paper? 

NAS74635 said:

The first question I would ask you to consider, is - are you really sure your husband himself wants the diagnosis?

Morning,

With regards to the above. Yes and I feel rather offended that there is an accusation that I don't know my husband's true wishes when I have supported him through his life for a lot of years.

You also assume that the preference for lack of emotion is being based on my standard. This also feels a little as though you are accusing me of wanting to 'bring him up to my emotional needs'. Again, this feels like a poor assumption. We BOTH realised that there is a lack of connection and my husband freely admits he knows this comes from his side and wants more for us as a couple. So for us, this is a problem that needs tackling. Whilst you may be sensitive to that phrase (apologies if you are), this is about my husband and I and it's a perfectly acceptable phrase for us both.

Whilst I thank you for your suggestions, these have all been discussed and tried for MANY years without progress which led my husband to believe he is on the spectrum.

I popped on this group after a recommendation in the hope for support from someone who may be in a similar position. This now perhaps feels like the wrong forum. Many thanks for your opinions however.

NAS74659 said:

With regards to the above. Yes and I feel rather offended that there is an accusation that I don't know my husband's true wishes when I have supported him through his life for a lot of years.

You only gave one sentence describing you & your husbands relationship - so I thought NAS74635s reply was very gentle and the assumptions made are well inline with the typical difficulties experienced in an autistic/NT relationship.

There is a saying along the lines of "nobody really knows anyone", but for un-diagnosed autistics it is particularly apt... I spent the first 50 years of my life masking and trying to fit in with NT life. Two years after realising I'm autistic and I am still discovering subconcious behaviours where I do things that are easy for others but not natural/comfortable for me - I just do them to fit in. You may know less about how your husband feels & processes things than you may think.

NAS74635s great reply is definitely along the lines of what I was thinking.

Autist me really struggles to buy flowers for my non-autistic wife, but my love manifests in myriad ways she has no idea about. One tiny example just now, is that every morning while getting my coffee machine prepped for the day I will ensure the filtered water jug is 1/2 full (since it's too heavy for her full) and also ensure the kettle has around 600mls of water so she can just turn it on for her first cuppa when she gets up. It's part of my routine now, but I still think of her and her welfare everytime I do it. I don't think she notices at all!

There are also things that I do for her that a NT would find trivial... but are actually quite difficult for me. EG: in her current mood my wife is only eating indian parantha with mango pickle (and cheesy Wotsits). We ran out of pickle yesterday, so I had to try and find some.

Now I find shopping very stressful - even at the regular out-of-town supermarket with parking that I've been going to for decades... to buy the right pickle though I have to drive to an unfamilar and busy part of town, park on the busy street, navigate crowds, poke around in strange Indian stores with strong smells etc. I had to read tiny ingredient lists on the jars of dozens of unfamilar products in a super-narrow shop aisle constantly jostled and in the way of generously proportioned women going about their business.

It left me shattered for the rest of the day... but I guess she will not give it a second thought as she dollops it on her lunch today (but she may grumble that I never buy her flowers any more)!

So your husband may find it difficult to show love & affection in the traditional way, but there are other ways.

Another thing I find is that my wife doesn't really appreciate that I mask in front of everyone - even her (although less than with others). Masking takes effort, and can't be maintained 24/7 so I need time alone to do my own thing.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her - but it takes more effort than she realises. So rather than spread my love & affection 24/7 with her, I tend "binge" it... say one fun evening together where I am 100% invested and we cook together and watch some telly. Other evenings I may just serve her dinner and retire myself to eat in my study.

One other point of contention I have with my wife is she loves spontenatity & surprises... I use planning to manage my anxiety, and in common with many autists I really struggle with changing plans. So my spontenatity needs to be planned in advance

I appreciate your efforts to understand and your good intentions. It isn't easy. Especially with your and your husband's combination of needs and experiences. Please take care of your own heart and feelings too.

What moon says is accurate regarding commonly experienced things for people with autism. My guess (and you are right - it is only a guess and assumption), is that masking could be something your husband goes through too.

Similarly to how you do actually notice his efforts to love you, I think it quite likely that every effort you make to be understanding and accommodating to your husband, he notices too. I know how hard it can be to hold onto that.

I really do wish you both the best.

I appreciate your efforts to understand and your good intentions. It isn't easy. Especially with your and your husband's combination of needs and experiences. Please take care of your own heart and feelings too.

What moon says is accurate regarding commonly experienced things for people with autism. My guess (and you are right - it is only a guess and assumption), is that masking could be something your husband goes through too.

Similarly to how you do actually notice his efforts to love you, I think it quite likely that every effort you make to be understanding and accommodating to your husband, he notices too. I know how hard it can be to hold onto that.

I really do wish you both the best.