Aa

I appreciate your efforts to understand and your good intentions. It isn't easy. Especially with your and your husband's combination of needs and experiences. Please take care of your own heart and feelings too.

What moon says is accurate regarding commonly experienced things for people with autism. My guess (and you are right - it is only a guess and assumption), is that masking could be something your husband goes through too.

Similarly to how you do actually notice his efforts to love you, I think it quite likely that every effort you make to be understanding and accommodating to your husband, he notices too. I know how hard it can be to hold onto that.

I really do wish you both the best.

NAS74659 said:

With all due respect I am allowed to voice how someone's word have made me feel. After all, that's what we're all asking for on this page isn't it - for consideration of others?

Of course you are allowed to voice how you feel. I have no clue why you were offended and was trying to explain why it was not delivered with intent to offend.

NAS74659 said:

You may well think I don't know my husband as well as I think and I'm curious to know why you presume that

I'm an autistic man married to a non-autistic women. We were married 17 years before I realised I was autistic. Two years later we are still discovering situations where I mask incredible levels of anxiety and sensory overload, and my wife has no idea what I am experiencing (and in fact have experienced all my life).

EG: we went to a restaurant with my sister-in-law & husband, and after we had totally finished eating and paid the bill they stayed chatting at the table before going our seperate ways.

This is something that makes me really uncomfortable - once the bill is paid, I want to get the *** out of dodge ASAP... I think because it's not part of the well-thought out plan in my head of how the evening would pan out - I only expected to have to be social until the bill is paid (also because I can't order another beer once the bill is paid).

So in the post-mortem discussion in the car on the way home, my wife was totally surprised when I told her how I feel since I can mask, chat and appear normal so convincingly. In 20+ years of dining out with her, she had never realised my angst at post-meal loitering (even the times when my mask was slipping and I spent a long time in the toilet or spent ages "going to get the car" or similar).

I've spent 50 years moulding my behaviours and suppressing aspects of personality to survive & thrive... so even *I* struggle to differentiate what is normal, what is me and what is autistic. How could even an empathic guru divine how I really feel if I don't even know myself?

From my own experience (and confirmed by *many* accounts I've read on the web), masking is a deep seated and almost autonomic response in many autists - especially when undiagnosed.

NAS74659 said:

I also find it interesting you think your wife doesn't notice these things?

Because for the previous 20 years I appeared to do these things as easily as anyone else. She will obviously notice there is more pickle, and (depending on her mood) I will probably get a "thanks"... but it's unlikely she will think through all the challenges I overcame for such a trivial task.

NAS74659 said:

I do thank you for your suggestions, but as previously mentioned, perhaps my need for support is not best placed on this forum.

I had no intention of making you feel unwelcome - I think we are having an autistic/NT difference of perspective. I am just trying to share my experiences as someone in a similar situation to your husband.

This forum is full of autists, their partners & family - it's probably one of the best places for you to get some support... but remember that most autistics (well me at least!) communicate more literally than most people.

So please do stay a while... but please give yourself a better profile name than NASxxxx (it's hard to follow who's who otherwise).

Thank you for your kind words and I'm sorry I've answered things in a very defensive manner.

I guess us NTs equally struggle with expectations and you have demonstrated my continued misconceptions of certain things. All I can do is continue to love and to try and understand. I wish you well and I do genuinely thank you for taking the time and effort to respond. Best wishes

Thank you, moon. I very much appreciate it. I can see both sides, and all I can do is try my best to express understanding of both.

"With all due respect I am allowed to voice how someone's word have made me feel. After all, that's what we're all asking for on this page isn't it - for consideration of others?"

This is true. You are allowed to voice how my words made you feel. I am sorry. 

I can see now how what I said tied into your most difficult experiences, and I am sorry for that.

"I could delve into PTSD, self loathing and other aspects of mental health issues I've suffered due to the difference in our behaviours but I was hoping for advice from someone in a similar position to me rather than play the poor me card."

Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry for any pressure that my reply put you under to mention something you might rather have not.

People with autism tend to use "I" a lot, which can come off as self-centred. The reason is that relating things to our own experience is often the only way we know how to process things and empathise.

In that regard - I know the following sentiment and phrasing might well not be the most appropriate thing to say. Nevertheless, I'll try: I have experienced very, very similar things, in a relationship. And in the past held a very similar point of view. So I sympathise.

"You may well think I don't know my husband as well as I think and I'm curious to know why you presume that? I suspect it may be that you don't understand my empathy or the time I've invested in learning and understanding."

You deserve credit and appreciation for that. It isn't actually all one-sided, we aren't perfect, in relationships. I apologise for the inaccurate assumptions I made.

"I also find it interesting you think your wife doesn't notice these things? Why would you discredit her in that way? I long for a non traditional show of care/love ... however, ANY gesture he makes is ALWAYS recognised by me as I know just how much it took him to do that."

This is actually really cool to find out, from the other side's perspective. Thank you for sharing.

I do thank you for your suggestions, but as previously mentioned, perhaps my need for support is not best placed on this forum.

I wish you and your husband well in your relationship. 

With all due respect I am allowed to voice how someone's word have made me feel. After all, that's what we're all asking for on this page isn't it - for consideration of others? 

I could delve into PTSD, self loathing and other aspects of mental health issues I've suffered due to the difference in our behaviours but I was hoping for advice from someone in a similar position to me rather than play the poor me card.

You may well think I don't know my husband as well as I think and I'm curious to know why you presume that? I suspect it may be that you don't understand my empathy or the time I've invested in learning and understanding.

I also find it interesting you think your wife doesn't notice these things? Why would you discredit her in that way? I long for a non traditional show of care/love and my husband suggested he would write a small task such as 'say hello to wife when she gets home from work' in his diary so that it becomes routine. I'm still waiting 17 years on for that :) however, ANY gesture he makes is ALWAYS recognised by me as I know just how much it took him to do that.

I do thank you for your suggestions, but as previously mentioned, perhaps my need for support is not best placed on this forum.

Best.

NAS74659 said:

With regards to the above. Yes and I feel rather offended that there is an accusation that I don't know my husband's true wishes when I have supported him through his life for a lot of years.

You only gave one sentence describing you & your husbands relationship - so I thought NAS74635s reply was very gentle and the assumptions made are well inline with the typical difficulties experienced in an autistic/NT relationship.

There is a saying along the lines of "nobody really knows anyone", but for un-diagnosed autistics it is particularly apt... I spent the first 50 years of my life masking and trying to fit in with NT life. Two years after realising I'm autistic and I am still discovering subconcious behaviours where I do things that are easy for others but not natural/comfortable for me - I just do them to fit in. You may know less about how your husband feels & processes things than you may think.

NAS74635s great reply is definitely along the lines of what I was thinking.

Autist me really struggles to buy flowers for my non-autistic wife, but my love manifests in myriad ways she has no idea about. One tiny example just now, is that every morning while getting my coffee machine prepped for the day I will ensure the filtered water jug is 1/2 full (since it's too heavy for her full) and also ensure the kettle has around 600mls of water so she can just turn it on for her first cuppa when she gets up. It's part of my routine now, but I still think of her and her welfare everytime I do it. I don't think she notices at all!

There are also things that I do for her that a NT would find trivial... but are actually quite difficult for me. EG: in her current mood my wife is only eating indian parantha with mango pickle (and cheesy Wotsits). We ran out of pickle yesterday, so I had to try and find some.

Now I find shopping very stressful - even at the regular out-of-town supermarket with parking that I've been going to for decades... to buy the right pickle though I have to drive to an unfamilar and busy part of town, park on the busy street, navigate crowds, poke around in strange Indian stores with strong smells etc. I had to read tiny ingredient lists on the jars of dozens of unfamilar products in a super-narrow shop aisle constantly jostled and in the way of generously proportioned women going about their business.

It left me shattered for the rest of the day... but I guess she will not give it a second thought as she dollops it on her lunch today (but she may grumble that I never buy her flowers any more)!

So your husband may find it difficult to show love & affection in the traditional way, but there are other ways.

Another thing I find is that my wife doesn't really appreciate that I mask in front of everyone - even her (although less than with others). Masking takes effort, and can't be maintained 24/7 so I need time alone to do my own thing.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her - but it takes more effort than she realises. So rather than spread my love & affection 24/7 with her, I tend "binge" it... say one fun evening together where I am 100% invested and we cook together and watch some telly. Other evenings I may just serve her dinner and retire myself to eat in my study.

One other point of contention I have with my wife is she loves spontenatity & surprises... I use planning to manage my anxiety, and in common with many autists I really struggle with changing plans. So my spontenatity needs to be planned in advance

NAS74635 said:

The first question I would ask you to consider, is - are you really sure your husband himself wants the diagnosis?

Morning,

With regards to the above. Yes and I feel rather offended that there is an accusation that I don't know my husband's true wishes when I have supported him through his life for a lot of years.

You also assume that the preference for lack of emotion is being based on my standard. This also feels a little as though you are accusing me of wanting to 'bring him up to my emotional needs'. Again, this feels like a poor assumption. We BOTH realised that there is a lack of connection and my husband freely admits he knows this comes from his side and wants more for us as a couple. So for us, this is a problem that needs tackling. Whilst you may be sensitive to that phrase (apologies if you are), this is about my husband and I and it's a perfectly acceptable phrase for us both.

Whilst I thank you for your suggestions, these have all been discussed and tried for MANY years without progress which led my husband to believe he is on the spectrum.

I popped on this group after a recommendation in the hope for support from someone who may be in a similar position. This now perhaps feels like the wrong forum. Many thanks for your opinions however.

Hello. Hope you are okay. I considered for a while whether or not to reply. I thought perhaps it might be best for a more experienced forum member to do so. But then I thought I could offer something, and I hope it comes across in helpful ways.

I don't and can't know your own relationship. However, what I think I glean is that your emotional needs from the relationship are currently not being met in a way that makes you feel loved and appreciated. That is understandable. For some people, that can be really challenging to experience (for various reasons - I don't want to presume anything). I have gone through that.

From my own personal experiences, from both sides (both a person with a fear of rejection, and also the late-hopefully-diagnosed person with autism) I would just ask you to step back and consider what might be your husband's point of view.

"My husband is highly intelligent and does try every day of his life to adjust - however the reason we wanted to get this diagnosis was because he has huge trouble showing emotion, care, being intimate or building a meaningful relationship with me."

The first question I would ask you to consider, is - are you really sure your husband himself wants the diagnosis?

The second question I would ask you to consider is - the huge trouble he has showing emotion, care, building a meaningful relationship etc: whose preference or standard is this based on? Might it be his? Might it be yours? Might it (quite naturally) be based on ideal relationships viewed in the media? Or perhaps (again, quite commonly), the preferences or standards of parental figures in your lives?

I am not yet diagnosed, so I don't have "official" knowledge. But I imagine that a formal diagnosis might (or, should, really, in my opinion), be about helping the person find self-acceptance and understanding of themselves as they are. A lot of people on the spectrum have a particular sensitivity to being told to "fix" themselves, "tackle the problem", or "improve". We have been told to do so our whole lives, often by non-understanding, at times unfortunately abusive, parental figures.

I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt and think you don't intend to use these words in a harmful way. But I think it would help to be aware that they have damaging connotations - underlying meanings - for many.

Again, I say this with understanding of both sides. In fact, I myself quite recently made a similar mistake with a person I care about, even with my experience and knowledge as a presumed autistic person. I had to really step back and ask myself to remember all the above, and stop myself.

On a more positive note, I think there are ways you could work through this together. One could be identifying ways you both like to show and share affection, and feel affection. Could he write down how he feels? Would you feel cared for with that? Could he play you music that shows his feelings? Could you share intimacy in a slower, calmer, sweet way? And therefore reduce any pressure? Could he draw you lots of hearts on a piece of paper?