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Hello. Hope you are okay. I considered for a while whether or not to reply. I thought perhaps it might be best for a more experienced forum member to do so. But then I thought I could offer something, and I hope it comes across in helpful ways.
I don't and can't know your own relationship. However, what I think I glean is that your emotional needs from the relationship are currently not being met in a way that makes you feel loved and appreciated. That is understandable. For some people, that can be really challenging to experience (for various reasons - I don't want to presume anything). I have gone through that.
From my own personal experiences, from both sides (both a person with a fear of rejection, and also the late-hopefully-diagnosed person with autism) I would just ask you to step back and consider what might be your husband's point of view.
"My husband is highly intelligent and does try every day of his life to adjust - however the reason we wanted to get this diagnosis was because he has huge trouble showing emotion, care, being intimate or building a meaningful relationship with me."
The first question I would ask you to consider, is - are you really sure your husband himself wants the diagnosis?
The second question I would ask you to consider is - the huge trouble he has showing emotion, care, building a meaningful relationship etc: whose preference or standard is this based on? Might it be his? Might it be yours? Might it (quite naturally) be based on ideal relationships viewed in the media? Or perhaps (again, quite commonly), the preferences or standards of parental figures in your lives?
I am not yet diagnosed, so I don't have "official" knowledge. But I imagine that a formal diagnosis might (or, should, really, in my opinion), be about helping the person find self-acceptance and understanding of themselves as they are. A lot of people on the spectrum have a particular sensitivity to being told to "fix" themselves, "tackle the problem", or "improve". We have been told to do so our whole lives, often by non-understanding, at times unfortunately abusive, parental figures.
I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt and think you don't intend to use these words in a harmful way. But I think it would help to be aware that they have damaging connotations - underlying meanings - for many.
Again, I say this with understanding of both sides. In fact, I myself quite recently made a similar mistake with a person I care about, even with my experience and knowledge as a presumed autistic person. I had to really step back and ask myself to remember all the above, and stop myself.
On a more positive note, I think there are ways you could work through this together. One could be identifying ways you both like to show and share affection, and feel affection. Could he write down how he feels? Would you feel cared for with that? Could he play you music that shows his feelings? Could you share intimacy in a slower, calmer, sweet way? And therefore reduce any pressure? Could he draw you lots of hearts on a piece of paper?
Hello. Hope you are okay. I considered for a while whether or not to reply. I thought perhaps it might be best for a more experienced forum member to do so. But then I thought I could offer something, and I hope it comes across in helpful ways.
I don't and can't know your own relationship. However, what I think I glean is that your emotional needs from the relationship are currently not being met in a way that makes you feel loved and appreciated. That is understandable. For some people, that can be really challenging to experience (for various reasons - I don't want to presume anything). I have gone through that.
From my own personal experiences, from both sides (both a person with a fear of rejection, and also the late-hopefully-diagnosed person with autism) I would just ask you to step back and consider what might be your husband's point of view.
"My husband is highly intelligent and does try every day of his life to adjust - however the reason we wanted to get this diagnosis was because he has huge trouble showing emotion, care, being intimate or building a meaningful relationship with me."
The first question I would ask you to consider, is - are you really sure your husband himself wants the diagnosis?
The second question I would ask you to consider is - the huge trouble he has showing emotion, care, building a meaningful relationship etc: whose preference or standard is this based on? Might it be his? Might it be yours? Might it (quite naturally) be based on ideal relationships viewed in the media? Or perhaps (again, quite commonly), the preferences or standards of parental figures in your lives?
I am not yet diagnosed, so I don't have "official" knowledge. But I imagine that a formal diagnosis might (or, should, really, in my opinion), be about helping the person find self-acceptance and understanding of themselves as they are. A lot of people on the spectrum have a particular sensitivity to being told to "fix" themselves, "tackle the problem", or "improve". We have been told to do so our whole lives, often by non-understanding, at times unfortunately abusive, parental figures.
I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt and think you don't intend to use these words in a harmful way. But I think it would help to be aware that they have damaging connotations - underlying meanings - for many.
Again, I say this with understanding of both sides. In fact, I myself quite recently made a similar mistake with a person I care about, even with my experience and knowledge as a presumed autistic person. I had to really step back and ask myself to remember all the above, and stop myself.
On a more positive note, I think there are ways you could work through this together. One could be identifying ways you both like to show and share affection, and feel affection. Could he write down how he feels? Would you feel cared for with that? Could he play you music that shows his feelings? Could you share intimacy in a slower, calmer, sweet way? And therefore reduce any pressure? Could he draw you lots of hearts on a piece of paper?
The first question I would ask you to consider, is - are you really sure your husband himself wants the diagnosis?
Morning,
With regards to the above. Yes and I feel rather offended that there is an accusation that I don't know my husband's true wishes when I have supported him through his life for a lot of years.
You also assume that the preference for lack of emotion is being based on my standard. This also feels a little as though you are accusing me of wanting to 'bring him up to my emotional needs'. Again, this feels like a poor assumption. We BOTH realised that there is a lack of connection and my husband freely admits he knows this comes from his side and wants more for us as a couple. So for us, this is a problem that needs tackling. Whilst you may be sensitive to that phrase (apologies if you are), this is about my husband and I and it's a perfectly acceptable phrase for us both.
Whilst I thank you for your suggestions, these have all been discussed and tried for MANY years without progress which led my husband to believe he is on the spectrum.
I popped on this group after a recommendation in the hope for support from someone who may be in a similar position. This now perhaps feels like the wrong forum. Many thanks for your opinions however.
