Coming to terms with realising you are probably autistic

Yes, I also experienced a certain amount of tension and anxiety but then these are my "go to" emotions (and others might get angry, for example).  I found these to be more problematic in the run up to diagnosis, largely because I felt as though I'd given over my very identity to a bunch of "experts" and sitting on a very long waiting list while I thought about it.  The actual diagnosis was a relief and I've felt more self-accepting and even a bit calmer ever since. 

Strangely, however, I did start crying when I eventually got the diagnosis and I couldn't ask many of my questions, even though I'd written them down and I didn't get a report, just a letter, which to my mind left a lot unanswered.  I guess my initial response was very mixed then, and it felt more momentous than I'd expected.  But I've felt increasingly stable post diagnosis.  Prior to that so many difficulties didn't make sense and there was always the thought that the next round of therapy, the next self-help book, the next efforts at desensitisation would surely help.  They never really got to the bottom of things and, although some approaches were helpful, age and maturity seemed more helpful.  Knowing myself and being given the key to my issues, though, has been most helpful of all. 

I wonder whether some of what you're experiencing is a result of the uncertainty and if the external validation of a diagnosis might be useful to you?  It's a very personal thing and even now I wonder whether I should have just self identified and not involved any professionals.  But I think I also needed the corroboration of what I thought was the truth about me.  There might have been an element of always deferring to others there too (which, if I'm in a neuro-minority, isn't so surprising). 

A good rest can't hurt, though.  Possibly your mind is working around various issues and now looking at them through the lens of autism, which I think can be quite an adjustment.  So yes, cut yourself some slack.        

Yes, I also experienced a certain amount of tension and anxiety but then these are my "go to" emotions (and others might get angry, for example).  I found these to be more problematic in the run up to diagnosis, largely because I felt as though I'd given over my very identity to a bunch of "experts" and sitting on a very long waiting list while I thought about it.  The actual diagnosis was a relief and I've felt more self-accepting and even a bit calmer ever since. 

Strangely, however, I did start crying when I eventually got the diagnosis and I couldn't ask many of my questions, even though I'd written them down and I didn't get a report, just a letter, which to my mind left a lot unanswered.  I guess my initial response was very mixed then, and it felt more momentous than I'd expected.  But I've felt increasingly stable post diagnosis.  Prior to that so many difficulties didn't make sense and there was always the thought that the next round of therapy, the next self-help book, the next efforts at desensitisation would surely help.  They never really got to the bottom of things and, although some approaches were helpful, age and maturity seemed more helpful.  Knowing myself and being given the key to my issues, though, has been most helpful of all. 

I wonder whether some of what you're experiencing is a result of the uncertainty and if the external validation of a diagnosis might be useful to you?  It's a very personal thing and even now I wonder whether I should have just self identified and not involved any professionals.  But I think I also needed the corroboration of what I thought was the truth about me.  There might have been an element of always deferring to others there too (which, if I'm in a neuro-minority, isn't so surprising). 

A good rest can't hurt, though.  Possibly your mind is working around various issues and now looking at them through the lens of autism, which I think can be quite an adjustment.  So yes, cut yourself some slack.        

Hi JennyButterfly,

Thanks for your reply.  I can relate to what you say about going through several rounds of therapy and never feeling like it got to the bottom of things.  I also have a whole range of self-help books on different subjects (e.g. eating disorders, anxiety, social anxiety, low self-esteem, OCD, etc) and there were days when I thought I would never be able to improve my mental health because I didn't know where to start - I had so many different things I needed to work on.  It makes complete sense if I have a 'spectrum condition' which involves different aspects or traits.  I really hope it is this, because in a way that would make sense of all my problems at once.

I'm glad to hear that you've felt increasingly stable as time goes on.  Maybe the whole process of coming to terms with diagnosis is like adjusting to a new identity: over time, autism gets integrated into our knowledge of who we are.

You're absolutely right that probably the thing that worries me most is the uncertainty.  I've read that it's an autistic trait to find uncertainty difficult; this is certainly the case for me.  Yes, I am definitely going to get a diagnosis, because I doubt myself a lot and I think a diagnosis would help me to feel more settled and to accept things.  Also, I don't feel comfortable telling people I know about my autism until I get professional confirmation.  I'm not intending to tell many people: only those closest to me.  But I suspect that some people may not believe that I'm autistic, which would have the potential to unsettle me if I didn't have the diagnosis.

Thanks for the kind words and for understanding my point of view so well.