Fluctuating abilities

Martin said:

Then I walked home, ice cream-less, mentally kicking myself for being totally useless.

just love that sentence 

Giving you a vote for "allostatic load"!

Thought I'd add that I'm noticing the fluctuations for me relate to factors like sleep, background stress or demands, sensory input, etc. Basically, allostatic load. It's a subconscious thing.

If I've had some good sleep recently, stress and demands etc are relatively low, I can see previously-overwhelming activities as do-able. But otherwise, they seem insurmountable.

I am realising this has been the crux of why I've gone under the radar, not knowing I'm autistic, for so many years - I believed that if I could do something one day, then I should be able to do it any day. If I couldn't do it then I was just a normal person 'choosing' to struggle. I created a horrible habit of self-shaming for this. I worked with therapists for years and couldn't figure out why I would be "choosing to struggle" (my words, my analysis). Even explored secondary gains - a sensitive topic, basically about 'what payoffs might I be getting by keeping these difficulties'. I was ready to go deep and out myself for anything. I think my therapist knew I was autistic as she was hinting at something that she said would be best if I discovered it for myself... and thankfully, I did. Eventually!

Yeah, I looked into demand avoidance as I wondered about that, but it didn't quite fit as I don't have that many troubles with it.

That sounds like a rather gruelling time having to tune into phone calls with people you'd never met!

I have open conversations with myself: wow, I don't want to do this item I need/want to do. How strange! And then continue in third person, maybe narrate the moment. Best to to turn all behaviour into it's own screenplay. If I really wanted an ice cream, I'd explore other ways of possibly finding one, especially if for some interesting reason I didn't want to go into THAT particular location, but most likely beneath what I think I want, excavated down further, is something I do or don't want more. That something deeper will ultimately win. No need to kick oneself! Follow that mental adventure. Allow yourself the 'nope'.

I can relate, don’t put too much pressure on yourself . Autistic people have a spiky profile- uneven profile of strengths and weaknesses. It is natural for your abilities to fluctuate- social interaction is understandably complex and difficult. Conserve energy using the Spoon Theory or energy accounting.

Energy accounting article:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/nicholasfearn/2019/08/17/autistic-teenager-creates-app-to-help-people-on-the-spectrum/amp/

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/mental-health

You're not alone. I go through this all the time - virtually every day.. and the bit about going home empty-handed and kicking yourself is painfully familiar. 

I just try and say to myself something like 'i'm too overwhelmed right now, i'll come back another day'. Tends to take a while to sink in but it can help. Maybe you could try that? It's ok to be overwhelmed after all.

Demand Avoidance!

I've had a hate-hate relationship with the phone since the 70s when the family had to gather around for expensive international calls to doddering relatives I'd never met.

I definitely get this. I have been putting off making a simple phone call to someone I know to arrange something fun that I've been waiting months or years to do. All is my own choice, they are even experienced with autistic people.

Just 1 phone call!

I even have the details all written down ready to say. But... argh!

But I can occasionally make other phone calls okay, receive them too, occasionally (rarely!) even spontaneously. NOT my favourite communication tool at ALL, but what I mean is... it fluctuates for me too. Day to day, but also dependent on the specific task.

I'm trying not to beat myself up for the missed time and opportunities and enjoyment while I wait to get the guts to make this phone call.

When motivation > cost... it'll happen. (Or I'll get creative and find another way around it... !)

For me, it is more like a have a faulty cutlery drawer. The spoons are always there, but sometimes I cannot open the drawer to get at them. It isn't a depletion process, the example I gave could have been reversed, with me unable to interact socially, then suddenly being able to. 

Ahaaaa...
I have heard people mention the term 'energy accounting' but not looked in to it in detail

Sounds like something I need to put on the research list...
Thanks

For me Spoon Theory explains this behaviour.

I can only take so much social interaction etc., before I need to chill out alone to recover spoons.

The lower I get on spoons, the more I avoid things.

If I totally run out of spoons and are forced into doing something, I'm likely to meltdown.

I hope you don't mind me laughing but - LOL

This is reflective of many experiences I have had:

Complex interaction, needs shared intellectual input, new situation, add some humor: total win - quite pleased with myself.

Banal situation a 5 year could probably accomplish: [I also end up with no ice cream and annoyed with self]

I honestly can't tell you why this happens to me too - but it definitely does. Maybe because the simple thing *surely* doesn't need that much focus / thinking in advance or rehearsal?