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Marriage and Autism

CanadianGirl

Are there any other married people here?

I have a lot of difficulty communicating with my husband. Even after 15 years, I cannot really tell him how I am feeling about things. It's strange.. I can arrange the words in my head, and plan what to say, but then when I open my mouth absolutely nothing comes out. I just freeze. It's like the words are either stuck or have disappeared. 

He of course gets very frustrated with this. My husband is excellent at communicating how he feels about things. He is really good at reading people and all that kind of stuff. So when it comes time for us to have a serious conversation about something, he gets very frustrated when I can't talk. In the past, he would just keep pushing me until I got angry enough to just explode. He pats himself on the back for this, claiming that he's finally gotten me to share my feelings / the truth. Except.. the things I eventually would blurt out were maybe not really accurate, or incomplete. Something I could never communicate to him.

I have gotten a bit better over the last few years, but this is still something we struggle with. I'm just wondering if there's anyone one there who has any "tricks" to get through this?

  • in reply to Plastic

    This made me laugh. My husband has no understanding of the dishwasher and no matter how many times I show him where everything is meant to go he still gets it wrong. I'm sure he does it to wind me up.

  • I'm an oldie - married over 30 years.

    I knew my wife from school so we were lucky enough to have an idea of each other from an early age.

    The older you get, the more fixed you get in your own way of doing things.

    ND people find it very hard to adapt to having a permanent fixture around them that does things in a 'crazy' way (yes, there *is* a correct way to load a dishwasher).

    As says, getting thoughts on paper is a great way of sorting them out into something coherent as an alternative to getting brain-locked in a verbal face-to-face.

  • What is/are the reason(s) you are still together after 15 years despite the problems you have reported in your post?

  • back to ur communication issue.

    you could try Makathon a sign language taught within SEN schools to express yourself in another way when words dont come out. Your husband would have to learn it as well of course.

    start with

    "I agree" 

    "I dont agree"

    "I dont understand" 

    "slower"

    and "feelings"

    simple things like that

  • I've been married over 20 years and I do think my wife is probably on the Spectrum too (but not diagnosed - she got a fairly high AQ score)

    She is happy to do all the up front stuff in shops and pubs (ie she does all the taking and paying) 

    She accepts that I prefer to visit the same pubs/cafes/restaurants/holiday destinations as I do (although she does like to explore out of a resort, when I wouuld rather stay in the hotel bar).

    We are nor particularly tactile to each other or "lovey dovey"  Personally, I would have preferrred a slightly more bubbly person but I can't really complain.

  • I'm not marries for as long as you are, but I'm really struggling. My husband doesn't take me serious in how I feel about certain things and why I act the way I do. I try to explain myself and he either starts to talk about himself and dismisses me completely or he listens to me when I tell him I need certain things to be done a certain way, it seems he understands and 10 minutes later he acts like I never said anything and does things "wrong" again. It is really frustrating and stressful for me and atm I think he is really not good for me. I'm thinking a lot about to end it with him, but there are so many factors that freak me out and in the end I just keep to myself and try to ignore certain things. But it doesn't feel good having to act like that. 

  • in reply to CanadianGirl

    Gina

    dont forget the list of blood  relatives who have adhd or autism or weird or suspected

    and incidences when people have called u different strange weirdo autistic

  • in reply to M

    Right now I am working on preparing a document describing my behaviour, and the reasons why I believe I am autistic. I already see a psychiatrist for other mental health issues, so when I am ready I will bring the document to him. It will be easier than trying to explain it through speech.

    I am really not sure how long it will take to get a diagnosis here, or even what the process is (I am in British Columbia, Canada). Fingers crossed that it's not too long! 

  • in reply to CanadianGirl

    My husband has been a bit more understanding since I was diagnosed, which was last month so very recent. Are you waiting for NHS diagnosis? I hope you don't have to wait too long. 

  • in reply to M

    You are so right. I really have a low tolerance for people getting angry with me, it causes me to shut down completely. Which only makes him more angry. I am hoping that if I am able to get a formal diagnosis, he will finally do some real research on autism. I'm afraid he won't take it seriously while I remain "self diagnosed" - whatever that means. 

  • I'm married but for less time than you. 4 years married, 11 years together in total. 

    My husband gets angry at me because I cannot explain myself a lot of the time, and when I try he just does not understand it and gets even angrier. I'm sure you can understand that someone being angry at an autistic person doesn't help anything at all. It just makes me even worse. 

    I don't have any tricks to suggest but at least you arent alone.