Masking and Unmasking

Just over an hour into the video, they talk about knowing how much info to give in social situations and use the example of "how are you?" "I'm fine I did X at the weekend" and then if the other person doesn't ask further questions then they aren't interested. 

At work I'm a very likeable person and I think one of yhe reasons is that I always enquire further even when I'm not interested or I'm busy. I think it's more than politeness because I think it's that I've learned "you should show an interest in other people". Now I know why people often talk to me more than I want them to. I need to show I'm not interested.

Having said that, on the times when I haven't enquired further, or before I have even asked a question to enquire further, people will still tell me the additional information. This is what confuses me because it's said people on the spectrum sometimes have difficulties with social rules but I often find that other people (who I would say are definitely not on the spectrum) seem tO go against these rules.

Which then brings me on to each situation is fluid and flexible and that's probably where the problem lies because rules which autistic people learn as part of masking can bend depending on the situation.

I like this. I think people's favorite subject is themselves---get them going & holycow they don't stop. I've noticed particular in women....they can drone on & on & sometimes, never ask you how you are or show an interest. That's why I only get along with women 50years+, tomboys & males.

Definitely and some people are so absorbed in themselves. I have a friend who rang me to "see how I was" then talked about herself for 40 minutes before I was asked a token "how are things with you" which she then didn't listen to anything I had to say. 

It's something I've always been aware of even before autism was on the cards. So to keep things going I can quite often ask people about themselves (this is also mentioned in the video) but then I learned at some point it could end up like an interview so have to be careful. Then I learnt a lot of the time people don't ask me directly about myself. So I always thought they were not interested. But actually you have to give some information about yourself even if they don't ask. So then I formulate what's relevant for me to share and - story of my life - the other person gets distracted or we get interrupted or they start doing something and they dont appear to end up listening.  time and again this happens. Is it because I have learned "you make eye contact when you are listening" so that if another person doesn't follow this rule I find it confusing and rude cos I've learned otherwise?

It's a bloody minefield.

If I ask people "hiya how are you?" they think I want to know. When I don't. I do this because it's what you do. But if they say to me "hiya how are you?" and I actually start to tell them, they aren't interested! 

People are definitely not comfortable with silence. I do wonder if that's an evolutionary thing as if we all sat there in silence relationships wouldnt form.

If I ask people "hiya how are you?" they think I want to know. When I don't. I do this because it's what you do. But if they say to me "hiya how are you?" and I actually start to tell them, they aren't interested! 

People are definitely not comfortable with silence. I do wonder if that's an evolutionary thing as if we all sat there in silence relationships wouldnt form.