Masking and Unmasking

I remember watching the as part of my research before my diagnosis I found it interesting.

it's hard for me to speak for others with their experience with masking, for me however it gets a bit more complex than just masking.

When I was doing my research I was researching autism in adults, specifically. Then I kind of branched off into the differences between men & women with autism as adults and how it presents differently sometimes and what could be looked out for for in young boys and girls. (specifically girls as it seems that we've got a better grasp of identifying autism in young boys).

The thing that I found strange was that I identify more on the side of what would be considered more female autistic traits, and just some info about me. I'm 22, male, straight, I'm regular when it comes to that I haven't had any issues with sexual identity (luckily enough for me). I think that might have something to do with why I didn't get diagnosed until I was 22 as well. From that video and other research there seems to be, almost a consensus that females are better than/mask more than boys. I think that may be true and there are, I think at least many reasons as to why that could be. I could get really into this but this reply will end up being a book.

The main thing for me at least which I find interesting is that I seem to have a lot more of the 'female autistic traits' rather than the male ones. Even though (apart from the fact I'm autistic) I'm just a regular man.

Write me a book.....I'd love it! I myself  afab (newly learned term) that identifies with male and sometimes I feel feminine---but mostly male, somewhere in the middle at times. I'm learning about gender non-conforming vs binary & how your gender expression (wearing dresses/makeup as a straight male) and gender identity (what you feel you are inside) are two different things. Alot of this makes sense, bc my entire life---I've felt there's two categories of men. Ones that celebrate women & ones that are threatened bc they present themselves more masculine which is against the norms. I approach business situations as I will have equal power as men & time & time again there's negative vibes/outright strategy against me. Very rarely, only the confident males have seen it as a positive thing/adds value. It's a good thing I run my own company now.....bc I think before I've just been hitting the glass ceiling. It took me over a month to get a $7k promotion at my last job when they agreed to re-evaluate my salary.....it shouldn't have taken 5 mtgs when all my deliverables/kick a$$ness was out there to see. I expect more from people---but maybe that's a mistake lol.

Write me a book.....I'd love it! I myself  afab (newly learned term) that identifies with male and sometimes I feel feminine---but mostly male, somewhere in the middle at times. I'm learning about gender non-conforming vs binary & how your gender expression (wearing dresses/makeup as a straight male) and gender identity (what you feel you are inside) are two different things. Alot of this makes sense, bc my entire life---I've felt there's two categories of men. Ones that celebrate women & ones that are threatened bc they present themselves more masculine which is against the norms. I approach business situations as I will have equal power as men & time & time again there's negative vibes/outright strategy against me. Very rarely, only the confident males have seen it as a positive thing/adds value. It's a good thing I run my own company now.....bc I think before I've just been hitting the glass ceiling. It took me over a month to get a $7k promotion at my last job when they agreed to re-evaluate my salary.....it shouldn't have taken 5 mtgs when all my deliverables/kick a$$ness was out there to see. I expect more from people---but maybe that's a mistake lol.

I'm the same I'm not good at small talk I have to really think about it I just usually take longer than most to think about what im going to say I often think up scenairos in my head and silently rehearse what I would say in situations if I ever got in them that helps me not to trip up so much it helps me to think of my mind like a filing cabinet with scenarios and convos and responses and I just pluck out what I need when I need it 

Thanks O,

I hear what you are saying, the thing for me is,

Especially, if its in a new situation, either a social event, or work related event, where I dont really know the person, but I actually DO want to interact and be involved with what is going on. I am ok most of the time, with friends or well aquainted people.

I can't seem to Express myself, I get confused by how to construct in a meaningful way, that I can recognise, that the other person, actually understands what I am saying.

While I am saying it, I can visually see the sentences Im trying to say, but as I say them, they jumble up and confuse me as to what I am actually trying to say! If that makes any sense??

Its, like grating a carrot! it starts of whole, then when you grate it, it comes out the other side (still a carrot) but its shredded and mixed together in a different way!

Very often, I have found that people look at me strangely and ask

"what are you on about"? so perhaps, I may try in another way, but still get that blank look of confusion from the other person.

So more often than not, I stay silent at that point, or on occasion, continue to woffle on trying to explain. Then the other person cant deal with talking to me! Then I tend to ruminate how I have upset that person? Im not saying I have upset the person, I just dwell on the fact I may have? I have done that as log as I can remember!

Then you start getting questions from others around, like why are you miserable, (most of the time I am not) but its the fact I have gone quiet. Then the usual comments, arise, like why do you have to spoil things... etc It just cascades!

The one consolation is "I know what I meant" lol lol

I think trying to be honest with who you are and what you're capable of and not over reaching is a start and then from that point on you can build your self when it comes to expressing your feelings.

Feelings are not something that I'm at or with that is probably the biggest issue I have and I think there isn't anything I can really do about that because I'm autistic I'm more of the stereotypical "Aspie"/Autistic person in terms of what you read, I'm quite, relatively emotionless in an outward manner (I have emotions but they don't come out at all really), very black and white, yes no, good or bad thinker. Even though my grades don't reflect I'm definitely above average in intelligence but not crazy levels of intelligence.

I would say in a few words. The ability to express your self PROPERLY and correctly has to proceed you accepting what you are and what you can do and moving from there.

Don't let your age get in the way of that either I always hear older people saying that life is short but there are people that get more done in the last 30-40 years of their life that they ever did when they were younger and compared to younger people around them.

Thank you guys for your nice replies I never know what to say when people give me compliments and just say nice things to me so thank you I was having a bit a bad day today so I was happy to see these :) :) :) 

Your response is so awesome--I love it. I hear what you mean. I just learned about gender identity and gender expression. If I had to quantify it, I feel 75% male 25% female. What you described about the differences in male/female growing up. I think I tried to do the popular/fit in with girls thing for awhile & learned it....but then veared off into softball, basketball, tetherball and making male friends. You mom & auntie sound awesome. If I end up moving to England over France, I'd be curious to find out more about their recruitment company. I almost partnered with someone last fall to open a temp agency....but instead decided to hyper-hone in on finishing 11 classes to earn my bachelors degree. I'm learning how to get out of burnout at the moment---and not let myself do that again. I like to hear about strong women. What's funny is, I'm polite, kind and honest....sometimes it's hard for me to handle very curt/short women myself....but da*mn if they get the job done I have respect. I think it's more important that I respect someone vs liking them--now that I think about it & I've always noticed it's the men with 'real confidence' who view me as an asset, not a threat.' My husband has feminine qualities. He used to wear dresses, lipstick and demon eye contacts to church. I think this has made him very comfortable in his gender identity/expression. We call strong women a 'bi*ch' and sensitive/caring men 'pu**y' well......I'd say that's some bs and simply untrue. Hopefully, society is changing with gender norms and what's expected....but it needs to hurry up. I watched "Black Monday" on Showtime talking about women's rights etc.....dam* I still had to deal with getting my shoulders rubbed at a job & then before my two-weeks being told by my boss, he didn't want to see me go, but the owners said I needed to leave. At first, I didn't understand all of this non-binary, gender-vague, gender-fluid ideas-----but now, it's helping me really hone-in & understand a big part of myself. I look in the mirror & I like what I see, I like sometimes doing female things like bubble baths or choc/wine......but the other 75% my clothes are tomboy (my mom was always trying to feminize my male sneakers by putting bows on them) and I keep not understanding why I'm not receiving the respect/praise and being put 'in a box.' 

O

I would just like to say, reading your reply, has brought an emotional tear to my eye. It's a tear of happiness a goodness a relief, I actually felt a real wave of WOW!

There is a lot of your experience you have mentioned that I can really IDENTIFY with, for the FIRST TIME, I actually understand something... It has taken me 55 years! to this moment... So "THANK YOU"...

I have never allowed myself to express any feeling or show much, if any emotion, maybe I need to learn to allow myself  more of this? but again " Thank You"

"Very rarely, only the confident males have seen it as a positive thing/adds value."

I consider myself bigender (amab) and all of my female partners have been pretty darn direct. Much more direct than myself. I like that; it's useful and I know that it complements/balances my more cautious and 'see each side' approach.

I think there is a half-decent proportion of males who have female partners that are really quite direct and that's part of the reason why those partners are together.

I guess it is a kind of confidence of mine/of ours. A confidence and comfort in not needing to be in control of everything. I wouldn't generally call myself confident, but in some areas such as 'not needing to be number 1', not feeling threatened by the thought of playing second fiddle, then yes, in that way I'm confident -and I think there are, thankfully, quite a few other males (or amab) who feel this way too.

And I appreciate we could do with a bit more of this open attitude.

Haha ok well I'll get a bit more into it I try not to write too much on here because I don't know people will read it. So I'll start from where I left off and then come to your response.

I just want to preface quickly. I was just reading Michaels' reply about him being brought up with a mostly female family. My upbringing was different, it's 50/50 more the females are my mum, auntie, cousin and grandmother. The males (excluding me) are, My brother, uncle, cousin and granddad. Now, I definitely am straight, I was born male, I identify as male, I don't have any 'confusion' so to speak and I never have done. However, and I LITERALLY just realised this now after reading yours and Michaels response, I am definitely not as "masculine" as the males in the family, there are all quite dominant males in the very stereotypical way. Quite old school traditional manly men if you get what I mean. I've had people ask me before if I am gay and a lot of them were openly gay men in school and college and thinking about it now that's quite the "achievement" because I would think that gay men would be good at spotting other gay men. I only say that because they seemed surprised. One of them who I knew quite well actually told me he was kind of sad that I wasn't because he apparently he really fancied me, I wasn't like how most men would be and take offence I was actually quite flattered no one told me out right they fancied before he did, but that's besides the point. So yes it's actually a bit of shock I've never ever realised that, now that I think about it. I do probably come across as maybe a tad bit feminine. (this will definitely be something that I think about) And I have always gotten on much better with girls than I have boys I don't particularly like boys that much they all tend to be more 'boisterous'.

So moving on. Yes as I said I do think that I have more feminine autistic traits than I do male ones especially in regards to masking, the reasons why that is. I'm not so sure the only thing that I can say is that I learnt quite quickly early on in my life that I wasn't quite normal like the rest of the other kids, I didn't know why and I don't remember it ever bothering me apart from the fact I didn't want any attention brought to my self. And there the masking started.

My point about how my research seemed to suggest that females are better than/mask more than boys do. I think that could be down to a few reasons, 1. Girls at younger ages are much more mature than boys are and think that carries over into autistic girls too. Therefore they are more grounded in reality than young boys and again therefore they can see that if they are rebuffed because of how they act they can more quickly address that by acting in ways that get social approval from other girls (I won't get into the long term affects of that as I think we all know what that causes) 2. Girls are taught from a young age that they need to be careful and take greater care with their own safety, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Girls I think are more physically fragile on average than boys are and at a young age that is the most important form knowledge I think a parent can impart so that they can grow to more physically independent and then they start to pursue more intellectual endeavours. Whereas boys are not taught that so much they are taught to be strong boys that play rough and play fight. So it's a different kind of physical safety, girls are taught to protect themselves by NOT putting themselves in situations where they can be hurt in the first place and deal with things by talking and negotiating. Boys are taught more so (at a young age) to confront and handle things in a more physical way by playing games. Who can run the fastest, who can throw the furthest, who is the best at football. Some of these things are just because boys and girls have different temperaments and therefore they manifest in different ways how they handle problems and social puzzles.

When it comes to masking it obviously becomes a bit more complex because our autistic minds are I would say at least more complex that NT minds. I'll try and explain this from my point of view. When I was young I remember being very, very observant and I KNEW that all the other kids where not self aware they just 'did things' and that was their life. I knew that I was different and I saw what happened to kids that got singled out as different, they got bullied. I didn't want that to happen to me so I watched, observed and then emulated the behaviours of people that I saw as popular and didn't get bullied. It worked and I went through the school system unscathed from a bullying stand point but my mental health from about 7 years old took a steady decline  to where I am now, I am getting better but it's been hard.

I took the behaviours of strong people, people that I thought had everything I would need but that was the mistake. I emulated all these different people thinking it would get me what THEY had but I was always so confused as to who I am I didn't think that what THEY want and need is not what I want and need it took my 22 years to figure that. I also didn't want attention I still don't, I don't like being the centre of attention I don't like everyone looking at me it just makes me *uncomfy* I don't like it. So a big part of my masking that I wanted to fit it, I don't want to stand out and be "seen" and that's where the female similarities for me come in, my observation of girls as they grow from primary school up until more or less the end of secondary school is that they all just want to fit in and be accepted. That's where I think I have gained my 'feminine' tendencies that are just now a part of my persona. I became friends with girls and boys, I didn't have maybe friends at all during school but my closests friends were girls apart from my best friend who was boy but I don't speak to him anymore I think he's a sociopath but anyway. one of these become the first girl I fell in love with and I actually managed to get into relationship with her after we left school in year 11.

I don't really know anything about what you said I'm afraid when you talk about gender non conforming apart from the obvious that people aren't gay aren't straight they are something else. I don't have a problem with that just so long as I don't get penalised for being straight which kind of seems that could be the case in the media at least.

I don't personally mind tom boys type girls that can be confident in a masculine way and hold their own with very masculine men in that way I think it's good if you can be like when you need it, so really good for you with with owning your own business and getting yourself up the socio-economic ladder. My mum and auntie own a successful recruitment company in London so I would probably get on with you quite well you seem to describe your self in way that seems like my mum and auntie.

I have to go so I'll leave it here, hope you get better understanding of me and how I think :)