Published on 12, July, 2020
When I first joined the forum I felt like I'd finally found people who understand me and my life experience, but this past week or so I've been worrying more about the possibility that I am NOT autistic and what that will actually mean for me moving forward.
My friend's son was assessed recently and she messaged me yesterday to say the outcome was that he isnt autistic but has traits. I'm struggling to imagine how I would feel/cope with a similar outcome. I already feel like I struggle to function in groups but to find a group that I now feel fits with me and have that pulled away again (potentially) is quite scary.
I'm conscious of the fact that I'm about to make a career change and that might be contributing to my insecurity. I'm hopefully being assessed soon (the autism team told me April or May hopefully) so I shouldn't have too much longer to wait. I'm just also conscious that some people have reacted in the "you don't look/seem autistic" way and despite me knowing that this is often a misconception others have about what autism looks like, I also can't help but wonder whether I'm WANTING to be autistic and therefore have an understanding of my way of thinking. I've lived a long time trying to explain "my anxiety" and feeling stupid for it, but autism makes it seem less stupid to me. Maybe because to me it makes sense? I know autism still has as much if not even more stigma than anxiety disorder.
Thoughts appreciated. As you can see my account is back online too
Hi Hookaduck ( Michelle? )
No, you are not wanting to have autism, you are wanting to have an answer. If the answer is autism, then you are in the right place here. And if it isn't autism... well, deal with that if it happens. Don't look for future anxieties, that's called catastrophising and it's pointless, as I well know - I could have won an award for some of my past episodes.
Just go along and be honest, lay yourself bare on the table (so to speak).
I think Michael has given you a fantastic reply, especially in his final paragraph.
Hope all goes well.
Ben
Yes, Michelle.
I think following that advice already and making adjustments is potentially why I'm feeling more like a fraud. The restrictions the pandemic has brought us and a bit more self-awareness on my part has really helped me to reduce my anxiety. I know it is still there because if I have to do something unusual - today I needed to deal with my washing machine delivery for example as my husband couldn't do it - then I get immediately anxious. Fortunately he knew what time it was coming which helped, otherwise I'd have struggled to focus on my work because I'd have kept wondering if I was about to be disrupted.
I am a terrible catastrophising thinker. I second guess what everyone is thinking and jump to always the most negative conclusions. I'm going to make a conscious effort to NOT over prepare for the assessment so I cant convince myself that I have learned responses to the questions. I know I wouldn't be the first person to do this.
I've already gone through all of my history and current difficulties as part of the initial assessment so I hope I'm not asked about it all again. I've been told this video bit should be around 30 minutes and they might ask me to complete some activities like looking at some pictures or something?
Its the same for most of us. I am high functioning except socially (with strangers) when im very not. I am the resident know-it-all on certain subjects, am well educated, but if you cracked a joke to me it would take me 10 mins to work out why it was funny (or I might never work it out) and I have weird emotions and a general not giving a *** attitude to life.
I would say maybe 80-90% of the assessment is talking about you and your life. Visual cues and the sub-conscious cues are only a small part of it. obviously some on the spectrum are really easy to diagnose. but for people who survive and lead relatively normal lives it can be a bit harder. Be honest with the person assessing you.
Before you do it, think about your childhood and school and things you did that maybe other children didnt. So for example with me, I had full conversation skills at a really young age and had read all the encyclopedias my parents had by age 6, plus had decent understanding of science concepts learned from them. For you it could be something different. Those are the things relevant to the assessment. First part of it is childhood related. You might want to jot some notes down when you thing about it.
Second part is how you are now. So things that you do now that others might consider strange. For me I like order when I work. i cant do tardiness in the workplace. its lost me many jobs. I worked at a warehouse some years back and one morning I re-arranged the whole of it alpha-numerically, created priority areas for parts that were required a lot and kept them close to the office. moved things that never got used high into the racking. My boss went ape, but over the next 4 weeks our throughput went up quite a lot and I got some praise from upper management. A couple of weeks later my contract unexpectedly ended and my liason at the agency said my boss had told a pack of lies to upper management about me which got me canned. i could have fought it but its a waste of time and i went off and had a new contract a day later somewhere else. but anyway, thats the kind of thing you need to think about. Jot down some examples and make your life easier in the assessment.
Thank you. That does sound very much like me. I used to be scared to even make excuses and I'd end up just not turning up to things, which obviously caused problems. These days I'm more comfortable to just say I don't want to go to something. Bit harder with work commitments but since working part time I find I can generally get myself through my working "week" OK and then have enough downtime to recover until the next time.
Michelle,
I recognise your anxiety - I was like that for years (GAD they called it). Commitments? If I could, I would make an excuse and run away. But, of course, sometimes I couldn't and would just have to deal with it, usually followed by a series of shutdowns, burnout, irritability.... you name it, I felt it.
Now long retired with much more time, I can mostly ensure that I do not have commitments on consecutive days, or even weeks, but just occasionally it happens and the unbridled angst comes galloping straight back into the playground. However, when it came to the matter of my assessment, I was surprisingly un-anxious. I was ready!
I hope you find yourself ready on Monday morning as you are going to get answers of some kind, and that's an important step forward.
Never mind those learned responses, just tell 'em the truth.
You sound like me too
You sound like me haha
It doesn't help when there's so many uncertainties does it. I know I like a defined sequence of events, not this may happen or that may happen. I'm here to chat. Just listen, or whatever you need. I'm better at being there for someone else than I am for myself.
Thanks. I think I struggle with the notion of "high functioning" as externally I appear to cope well but internally my anxiety is haywire about seemingly trivial things.
You are right though, the worst that they can say is no. The assessment is via video link and it can be inconclusive and need to be postponed until a face to face assessment can be done. I'm hoping that isn't the outcome.
You'll be fine.
Just go there and take it a step at a time.. Also remember if its a yes your life doesnt just turn on its head overnight. You will still be you after the diagnosis. Its not a quick fix or the end of the process. Its the start of a new journey. it also affords you some nice new protections that can be applied to your work if you need the use of them. From reading your posts you seem pretty high functioning, so just go with flow.
If the diagnosis is no, then you have an answer as well. But most people that go through the process dont get a no. They might get a maybe, but in my opinion if you are asking for the help, you probably have a good reason to do so.