Published on 12, July, 2020
When I first joined the forum I felt like I'd finally found people who understand me and my life experience, but this past week or so I've been worrying more about the possibility that I am NOT autistic and what that will actually mean for me moving forward.
My friend's son was assessed recently and she messaged me yesterday to say the outcome was that he isnt autistic but has traits. I'm struggling to imagine how I would feel/cope with a similar outcome. I already feel like I struggle to function in groups but to find a group that I now feel fits with me and have that pulled away again (potentially) is quite scary.
I'm conscious of the fact that I'm about to make a career change and that might be contributing to my insecurity. I'm hopefully being assessed soon (the autism team told me April or May hopefully) so I shouldn't have too much longer to wait. I'm just also conscious that some people have reacted in the "you don't look/seem autistic" way and despite me knowing that this is often a misconception others have about what autism looks like, I also can't help but wonder whether I'm WANTING to be autistic and therefore have an understanding of my way of thinking. I've lived a long time trying to explain "my anxiety" and feeling stupid for it, but autism makes it seem less stupid to me. Maybe because to me it makes sense? I know autism still has as much if not even more stigma than anxiety disorder.
Thoughts appreciated. As you can see my account is back online too
Hi Hookaduck ( Michelle? )
No, you are not wanting to have autism, you are wanting to have an answer. If the answer is autism, then you are in the right place here. And if it isn't autism... well, deal with that if it happens. Don't look for future anxieties, that's called catastrophising and it's pointless, as I well know - I could have won an award for some of my past episodes.
Just go along and be honest, lay yourself bare on the table (so to speak).
I think Michael has given you a fantastic reply, especially in his final paragraph.
Hope all goes well.
Ben
Yes, Michelle.
I think following that advice already and making adjustments is potentially why I'm feeling more like a fraud. The restrictions the pandemic has brought us and a bit more self-awareness on my part has really helped me to reduce my anxiety. I know it is still there because if I have to do something unusual - today I needed to deal with my washing machine delivery for example as my husband couldn't do it - then I get immediately anxious. Fortunately he knew what time it was coming which helped, otherwise I'd have struggled to focus on my work because I'd have kept wondering if I was about to be disrupted.
I am a terrible catastrophising thinker. I second guess what everyone is thinking and jump to always the most negative conclusions. I'm going to make a conscious effort to NOT over prepare for the assessment so I cant convince myself that I have learned responses to the questions. I know I wouldn't be the first person to do this.
Michelle,
I recognise your anxiety - I was like that for years (GAD they called it). Commitments? If I could, I would make an excuse and run away. But, of course, sometimes I couldn't and would just have to deal with it, usually followed by a series of shutdowns, burnout, irritability.... you name it, I felt it.
Now long retired with much more time, I can mostly ensure that I do not have commitments on consecutive days, or even weeks, but just occasionally it happens and the unbridled angst comes galloping straight back into the playground. However, when it came to the matter of my assessment, I was surprisingly un-anxious. I was ready!
I hope you find yourself ready on Monday morning as you are going to get answers of some kind, and that's an important step forward.
Never mind those learned responses, just tell 'em the truth.
Thank you. That does sound very much like me. I used to be scared to even make excuses and I'd end up just not turning up to things, which obviously caused problems. These days I'm more comfortable to just say I don't want to go to something. Bit harder with work commitments but since working part time I find I can generally get myself through my working "week" OK and then have enough downtime to recover until the next time.