Visitation for autistic father with intense anger issues

Rage is usually built up. sometimes over years. If he’s continually frustrated by noise, by lack of breathing space, lack of a purpose or finances, if there’s even a list of unmet needs and broken relationships it all just adds up.  

With this information I wonder if he’s afraid of hurting his child. 
But there does appear to be a lot here which could use proper evaluation and I wonder if you have access to a therapist. Or prenatal care? 

I don’t tend to lose things when I do it’s startling. Before I completely overturned my whole life, I first left my sons father- I hated when he interrupted me. But that was a power game for him. It gave him a sense of satisfaction to constantly interrupt, throw me off. It meant I couldn’t focus on work and it cost me financially. Now my son can interrupt me whenever  we have a different contract - I am responsible for him in every way. but I know not everyone views their children the way I do... add males are different than females.

A legal counsel would advise to write down everything that happens which feels unsafe, the date, time and incident. Sometimes humans throw cats in a way so they land on their feet. I’m hoping he didn’t recklessly damage the animal? 

Again, I think it’s important you’re not alone. And if you have family you can rely on, I wonder if they can help. There’s a good deal of advice here, but you are in a situation that needs practical support. I had my son in London and we had a pre-natal group meet up every few weeks. Something like this would be a positive force for you right now maybe? 

Even if you changed all the lightbulbs to halogen and incandescent and you sound proofed your rooms or de-noised the house and even if you only used natural non scented cleaning products, or natural essential oils, he would still need to do the work of learning to mend past hurts, work through old habits and learn mindful techniques to leave immediately when the frustration is too much until he matures enough to make more immediate adjustments or communication skills. We all have work to do. Hopefully you have access to someone with authority (like a certified therapist) who can help you cope. 

Hi Juniper,

The rage has always been there, since before I knew him. 

I know he changed from a sweet natured child, aged 4, when his brother was born. Then became an extremely angry teen, started taking  drugs, drinking and partaking in antisocal behaviours.

He then was falsley accused of something in his early 20s, dragged through the courts for over a year, for the accuser to finally admit she'd lied. I think in his mind, before realising he might be autistic, this is the situation he blamed for his angry outbursts, but in reality, his inability to cope through adolescence may have also contributed. 

He has told me in a brief conversation since he left that he still loves me but needs to figure out if he just needs to live the rest of his life alone. He has also told me in the past he will always protect me, even from himself. So he is aware of the hurt he causes. Even if he can't consider his actions   enough to bring himself to apologise. 

I know deep down he's not a bad guy and he had a lot of pent up issue even before autism is thrown in to the mix, which is why I've stuck around longer than I probably should have, 

Its whether the therapy he is now finally due to get in August is going to work and how long it is likely to take before he's going to be able to take our son on his own. 

It breaks my heart to be around my husband, knowing he's off test driving a life without me, if it is the end of our family, before it has even started, I'm going to struggle to play  happy families with him. 

I'm not sure it's good to pretend. Step back and spend time learning to be the best you. In all honestly, it will be far more healthy for your child. This may seem terrible because marriage is supposed to be about 'growing together' or 'shared experience'. 

But here's 2 paths you could take.

Path One: 2 immature individuals who are unaware of their limitations, 'playing' house with idealistic phantasies about who the other is, because this is just what we do. We pair up, find a space to exist in, have a kid, and 'make do'. And all the while, neglect our need for character growth, personal growth, creative time alone, mindful growth, learning something new... humans tend to get absorbed into chores, tasks, mundane life things and fail to become who they were meant to be individually, so they can actually be the best partner toward and with. For some it takes about 7 years until this failure to take care of my own self is projected at failure to take care of the other. And the relationship is Over.

Google search: Little things that destroy a relationship. 

I refuse to ever date a man who doesn't put self-care (actively being healthy, mindful, etc.) at the top of his list. Because if it is important to me, I will automatically understand and project it being important for you. This is the opposite of selfishness. Selfish humans won't undergo disciplines to better themselves. They're too lazy.

Now, path Two is more difficult emotionally. It requires researching new ways of bettering ourselves and undergoing tasks to become the best version of our 'inner child' or inner self. The one we often neglect, the one who, like a tiny human, needs safety and resources and understanding and creative Play Time. I always suggest seeking something higher or finding a spiritual path. I need to learn how to invest into my self and protect that time alone to recoup & learn, so I can learn how to invest in another. I must learn to relinquish control at the very moment I want to control because manipulation or forcing another to love only turns into resentment. Fighting to become something better is harder but far more rewarding. If 2 individuals are open to growth and open to allowing the other to become, learning how to be trustworthy and invest properly, the outcome could equate to some time apart for the sake of longevity. 2 more responsible adults doing life together is far better than getting what I want right now irresponsibly. 

I would let him be for the time and become a woman who others are attracted to - not for him, but for you and your child. This should take years if you start now. If it helps, allow yourself to be loved by something/someone higher. The Artists Way is a good resource for helping to understand this concept. We all have failures and limitations. Allow yourself time to grow. In fact, seize this opportunity. Once the baby comes along, there will be less time to indulge. Allow your husband to become who he needs to be as a father. So long as he is at least meeting you financially right now stop worrying about what you cannot control (the outcome of his therapy sessions for instance or what he is doing) start working on yourself. Think long-term. Become you. Xx

I'm not sure it's good to pretend. Step back and spend time learning to be the best you. In all honestly, it will be far more healthy for your child. This may seem terrible because marriage is supposed to be about 'growing together' or 'shared experience'. 

But here's 2 paths you could take.

Path One: 2 immature individuals who are unaware of their limitations, 'playing' house with idealistic phantasies about who the other is, because this is just what we do. We pair up, find a space to exist in, have a kid, and 'make do'. And all the while, neglect our need for character growth, personal growth, creative time alone, mindful growth, learning something new... humans tend to get absorbed into chores, tasks, mundane life things and fail to become who they were meant to be individually, so they can actually be the best partner toward and with. For some it takes about 7 years until this failure to take care of my own self is projected at failure to take care of the other. And the relationship is Over.

Google search: Little things that destroy a relationship. 

I refuse to ever date a man who doesn't put self-care (actively being healthy, mindful, etc.) at the top of his list. Because if it is important to me, I will automatically understand and project it being important for you. This is the opposite of selfishness. Selfish humans won't undergo disciplines to better themselves. They're too lazy.

Now, path Two is more difficult emotionally. It requires researching new ways of bettering ourselves and undergoing tasks to become the best version of our 'inner child' or inner self. The one we often neglect, the one who, like a tiny human, needs safety and resources and understanding and creative Play Time. I always suggest seeking something higher or finding a spiritual path. I need to learn how to invest into my self and protect that time alone to recoup & learn, so I can learn how to invest in another. I must learn to relinquish control at the very moment I want to control because manipulation or forcing another to love only turns into resentment. Fighting to become something better is harder but far more rewarding. If 2 individuals are open to growth and open to allowing the other to become, learning how to be trustworthy and invest properly, the outcome could equate to some time apart for the sake of longevity. 2 more responsible adults doing life together is far better than getting what I want right now irresponsibly. 

I would let him be for the time and become a woman who others are attracted to - not for him, but for you and your child. This should take years if you start now. If it helps, allow yourself to be loved by something/someone higher. The Artists Way is a good resource for helping to understand this concept. We all have failures and limitations. Allow yourself time to grow. In fact, seize this opportunity. Once the baby comes along, there will be less time to indulge. Allow your husband to become who he needs to be as a father. So long as he is at least meeting you financially right now stop worrying about what you cannot control (the outcome of his therapy sessions for instance or what he is doing) start working on yourself. Think long-term. Become you. Xx