Visitation for autistic father with intense anger issues

Rage is usually built up. sometimes over years. If he’s continually frustrated by noise, by lack of breathing space, lack of a purpose or finances, if there’s even a list of unmet needs and broken relationships it all just adds up.  

With this information I wonder if he’s afraid of hurting his child. 
But there does appear to be a lot here which could use proper evaluation and I wonder if you have access to a therapist. Or prenatal care? 

I don’t tend to lose things when I do it’s startling. Before I completely overturned my whole life, I first left my sons father- I hated when he interrupted me. But that was a power game for him. It gave him a sense of satisfaction to constantly interrupt, throw me off. It meant I couldn’t focus on work and it cost me financially. Now my son can interrupt me whenever  we have a different contract - I am responsible for him in every way. but I know not everyone views their children the way I do... add males are different than females.

A legal counsel would advise to write down everything that happens which feels unsafe, the date, time and incident. Sometimes humans throw cats in a way so they land on their feet. I’m hoping he didn’t recklessly damage the animal? 

Again, I think it’s important you’re not alone. And if you have family you can rely on, I wonder if they can help. There’s a good deal of advice here, but you are in a situation that needs practical support. I had my son in London and we had a pre-natal group meet up every few weeks. Something like this would be a positive force for you right now maybe? 

Even if you changed all the lightbulbs to halogen and incandescent and you sound proofed your rooms or de-noised the house and even if you only used natural non scented cleaning products, or natural essential oils, he would still need to do the work of learning to mend past hurts, work through old habits and learn mindful techniques to leave immediately when the frustration is too much until he matures enough to make more immediate adjustments or communication skills. We all have work to do. Hopefully you have access to someone with authority (like a certified therapist) who can help you cope. 

Rage is usually built up. sometimes over years. If he’s continually frustrated by noise, by lack of breathing space, lack of a purpose or finances, if there’s even a list of unmet needs and broken relationships it all just adds up.  

With this information I wonder if he’s afraid of hurting his child. 
But there does appear to be a lot here which could use proper evaluation and I wonder if you have access to a therapist. Or prenatal care? 

I don’t tend to lose things when I do it’s startling. Before I completely overturned my whole life, I first left my sons father- I hated when he interrupted me. But that was a power game for him. It gave him a sense of satisfaction to constantly interrupt, throw me off. It meant I couldn’t focus on work and it cost me financially. Now my son can interrupt me whenever  we have a different contract - I am responsible for him in every way. but I know not everyone views their children the way I do... add males are different than females.

A legal counsel would advise to write down everything that happens which feels unsafe, the date, time and incident. Sometimes humans throw cats in a way so they land on their feet. I’m hoping he didn’t recklessly damage the animal? 

Again, I think it’s important you’re not alone. And if you have family you can rely on, I wonder if they can help. There’s a good deal of advice here, but you are in a situation that needs practical support. I had my son in London and we had a pre-natal group meet up every few weeks. Something like this would be a positive force for you right now maybe? 

Even if you changed all the lightbulbs to halogen and incandescent and you sound proofed your rooms or de-noised the house and even if you only used natural non scented cleaning products, or natural essential oils, he would still need to do the work of learning to mend past hurts, work through old habits and learn mindful techniques to leave immediately when the frustration is too much until he matures enough to make more immediate adjustments or communication skills. We all have work to do. Hopefully you have access to someone with authority (like a certified therapist) who can help you cope. 

JuniperFromGallifrey

Hi Juniper,

Thank you for your understanding, you are right, the multiple posts are a result of sheer desperation and panic. With every answer I receive it raises another question as I'm getting no answers from the person I need them from the most. For this I apologise, I did not mean to cause offence.

It's funny you should suggest I paint him as a monster as this is how he tells me his past girlfriends used to describe him. So I think the problems he has with relationships  started long before me.

I suppose it now feels like the diagnosis will come too late, the damage is done, and from what Blue stated, there is no therapy that will help with his anger issues. 

I guess I just need to give it up as a lost cause and stop hoping he might come home. Thank you for your input, I will check out the site you suggested x

Hi Juniper,

The rage has always been there, since before I knew him. 

I know he changed from a sweet natured child, aged 4, when his brother was born. Then became an extremely angry teen, started taking  drugs, drinking and partaking in antisocal behaviours.

He then was falsley accused of something in his early 20s, dragged through the courts for over a year, for the accuser to finally admit she'd lied. I think in his mind, before realising he might be autistic, this is the situation he blamed for his angry outbursts, but in reality, his inability to cope through adolescence may have also contributed. 

He has told me in a brief conversation since he left that he still loves me but needs to figure out if he just needs to live the rest of his life alone. He has also told me in the past he will always protect me, even from himself. So he is aware of the hurt he causes. Even if he can't consider his actions   enough to bring himself to apologise. 

I know deep down he's not a bad guy and he had a lot of pent up issue even before autism is thrown in to the mix, which is why I've stuck around longer than I probably should have, 

Its whether the therapy he is now finally due to get in August is going to work and how long it is likely to take before he's going to be able to take our son on his own. 

It breaks my heart to be around my husband, knowing he's off test driving a life without me, if it is the end of our family, before it has even started, I'm going to struggle to play  happy families with him.