Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
If you have seen my previous posts you are probably aware that I'm currently trying to save my marriage.
Yesterday my hubby finally came to the house to discuss how he was feeling. I want to thank everyone who has responded to my previous posts on here, you are all such wonderful people to take the time to respond and help me understand my husband more.
Unfortunately our marriage is still far from healed, my hubby told me yesterday that he still loves me but it's not about love anymore and that it is about his mental health moving forward. On this basis he needs time to decide if he can be with me or not. Im devastated that at the moment our marriage could end at any moment but in the meantime they're is nothing more I can do.
After listening to what he has had to say, I feel sad at how he had been made to feel, although at the time he never showed or explained this. In asking for the emotional connection I so desperately needed, I have made him feel pressured and distressed and now feel extremely guilty.
In the first 3 years of the relationship things were fine, but when the first lockdown hit and we only had eachother, this is when I felt I started to lose him and thus is when he started feeling the pressure from me. I never pressured him through malace or intent to cause upset, I just love him so much, missed him and felt I was losing him.
After speaking to him last night I started doing some reading about the feelings from my side that have motivated my input to what I now realise has contributed to the downfall of our marriage and found cassandra syndrome. Upon reading more about it I realise that this is me over the last year, emotions amplified and heightened by the lockdown.
I feel I want to explain this to my hubby, to show him that with more unstanding of how and why this has happened and with us both receiving help, this could work. However I'm worried that pointing this out to him will cause even more distress and push him away further.
Any advice on this subject would be very much appreciated
Thank you in advance
Losan
Hi Losan,
I definitely want to make our marriage work, I'm all about learning to work together and I do love my husband more than I could ever begin to describe. He does have his positive moments too, although through the lockdown they have practically become none existent, but I do hope he can become the man i married, minus the anger, with help.
My fear is now that he will decide he needs to live his life alone, and the family unit we both dreamed of is over before its even begun.
Are you able to create a written contract with him? Agree a set of rules where he knows that angry outbursts are not acceptable - especially around a child - he's got so find another way of dealing with his impulses. He's a grown man so acting like a child is unacceptable - be careful about making unreasonable rules but let him know where the limits are and the consequences - and the rewards.
Lulu said:I think it's a very confusing time for him, he doesn't know if he wants the marriage or not and doesn't know if his issues are caused by autism or other events from his past or both.
That is indeed his problem atm and one not to be taken lightly. It is the ' not knowing ' what is wrong with himself or what has made him this way that will be driving him crazy and totally overwhelming him.
As Plastic has pointed to, he may not have fully grown-up yet, taken or even had to consider responsibility as a grown adult with a family and what that means. I know men in their 50's 60's & 70's who will go to their graves, never having fully matured or examined themselves in any significant way. Men who have known trauma often ignore it, along with the unpleasant feelings/emotions that are stored in their bodies. Addictions usually follow.
It is only when things get tough in life or we start to suffer on repeat that we begin to think something is not quite right here. The suffering is not the enemy, only the messenger or alarm bell that change is needed. Confrontation of our problems can feel very unpleasant to begin with and some of us go on running with our fingers in our ears; distractions, obsessions, addictions and so on to escape. Of course, we are not living in the present moment when we engage in these activities so we often try to kill the messenger ( suffering/unpleasant feelings ) each time it is presented to us and the cycle continues. It is the unpleasant feelings we run away from.
He may or may not be ASD. In any case, he will still have to confront his problems one at a time, one step at a time. Lifetime conditioning or habits don't disappear overnight. Addictions cause suffering in the long-term and need to be overcome - ASD or not. With confrontation comes resistance that can manifest in anger, frustration, meltdowns, shutdowns, sorrow, anxiety, depression etc. It is important for you both to know and expect this.
A mentor who has experience of coming through the other end of such would be very helpful. I wish you the best of luck.
I would concentrate on the baby create your own little family ,try not to let him ruin your pregnancy /birth .
If he grows up and stops blaming the world for his problems ,sort that out then.
if you have some space you might realise how bad he is treating you,
Will do, thanks for the advice
Lulu said:He has said he's not going to file for divorce but won't stop me if I decide to. Maybe he's wanting me to make it easy for him and just make the decision for him?
What a chicken POS. That sounds very much like he can't be arsed with growing up and taking his responsibility.
I've always considered kids to be an extension of my hobbies - things to show them and play with them - my 22 year old daughter got a huge Technical Lego set for her birthday.
Leave it a week or so then ignore him and talk to the parents calmly and ask them what part they want to play in their only grandchild's life..
Hi Plastic,
The more I have spoken to his parents about the issues at home, the more it does feel like he is painting me to be poison. The evil witch that forced him in to having a baby (he was the one that pushed for the baby not me), that I want him to bin all his hobbies (I only asked him to cut down as I want him to have a relationship with his child), and that I wanted him to go to counselling (this one is very true but down to his anger poblems as I don't want baby witnessing such outbursts of rage and feeling scared the way I do). I'm not sure how he has managed to spin that one as a negative, but upon speaking to his dad, he seems very much on his side even at the same time as quoting "we know what he can be like".
I honestly don't know what is going through his mind as he won't speak to me, and if I try to tell him my thoughts or feeling he cuts off as if they don't need to be heard. I get that he's probably not able to cope with hearing them at the moment which is why I have backed off after speaking with you guys, to try and give him the time and space he needs.
It's 18 weeks until baby is due, and every day is torture. He has said he's not going to file for divorce but won't stop me if I decide to. Maybe he's wanting me to make it easy for him and just make the decision for him?
I'm not going to lie but I know quite a few young ASD adults who blame all of their life problems on someone and cut them out of their lives - normally a parent who has been "so unfailr" (Kevin) and they don't ever think of that person again. They get locked in a very rigid mindset of self-righteousness - and they cut of not only the person, but anyone who could link them back to that person - friends, social media - they are usually very thorough.
Obviously, I don't know the full picture of what's going on between yourself and your husband because we can only see one side but I'd concentrate on yourself and your needs because right now, he's too fritzy to bank on.
You might want to gently ask his parents their intentions on being grandparents - what involvement would they like - can you rely on them for babysitting, family days out etc. Paint a romantic picture in their heads to see if they are interested or if they consider you to be poison. You'll be able to work out what the future is.
For the moment I've been told by himself and his parents not to contact him. They have given no clue as to how long for but the things they have said in passing suggest this is likely to be after baby is born. And this is for him to make his decision of if he wants to be with me or not. Its possibly due to his assessment being due in the same month as baby being born.
I have taken on board your suggestion, so if he does make contact and want to reconcile I will attempt to put this in motion.
I think it's a very confusing time for him, he doesn't know if he wants the marriage or not and doesn't know if his issues are caused by autism or other events from his past or both.
The problem with this is, I feel the longer he stays away, he will either just forget about me or the harder it will be to begin to live together again, is this the case? I have read that he won't be missing me if he is autistic, or if he is missing me it won't be long term, is this true?