Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
If you have seen my previous posts you are probably aware that I'm currently trying to save my marriage.
Yesterday my hubby finally came to the house to discuss how he was feeling. I want to thank everyone who has responded to my previous posts on here, you are all such wonderful people to take the time to respond and help me understand my husband more.
Unfortunately our marriage is still far from healed, my hubby told me yesterday that he still loves me but it's not about love anymore and that it is about his mental health moving forward. On this basis he needs time to decide if he can be with me or not. Im devastated that at the moment our marriage could end at any moment but in the meantime they're is nothing more I can do.
After listening to what he has had to say, I feel sad at how he had been made to feel, although at the time he never showed or explained this. In asking for the emotional connection I so desperately needed, I have made him feel pressured and distressed and now feel extremely guilty.
In the first 3 years of the relationship things were fine, but when the first lockdown hit and we only had eachother, this is when I felt I started to lose him and thus is when he started feeling the pressure from me. I never pressured him through malace or intent to cause upset, I just love him so much, missed him and felt I was losing him.
After speaking to him last night I started doing some reading about the feelings from my side that have motivated my input to what I now realise has contributed to the downfall of our marriage and found cassandra syndrome. Upon reading more about it I realise that this is me over the last year, emotions amplified and heightened by the lockdown.
I feel I want to explain this to my hubby, to show him that with more unstanding of how and why this has happened and with us both receiving help, this could work. However I'm worried that pointing this out to him will cause even more distress and push him away further.
Any advice on this subject would be very much appreciated
Thank you in advance
Plastic
Hi Plastic,
Thank you again for your continued time and support in helping me understand my situation, your words are more valued than you will ever know.
It's hard to tell if his parents are interested in their grandchild, they don't ask about me, about the pregnancy or about baby's movements. His dad keeps repeating "I know grandparents don't get any rights" if ever my parents or I manage to track him down to try and speak about recent events. I don't know why he keeps saying this as I have never even suggested that they would not get to see their grandchild, it makes me wonder if it's a form of manipulation, but to me that would suggest more narc than aspie. Correct me if I'm wrong, I am still learning.
The life you mapped out does not match the life I know my husband to have had.
I know he had an interest in model figurines when he was little and preferred to speak to the adults at nursery than the children.
I know he had "girlfriends" from being very you g who he would hold hands with or kiss on the cheek.
His parents have stated be had no friends growing up since reading about autism, but he has previously told me he did, I have seen photos of him with friends an know he was in a rock band for a number of years of his life.
His parents have also stated that most of the traits he has mainly started in adolescence. And that up until then he was a very huggy child. After that he became a very angry person, began using stimulant drugs and became a bit of a delinquent.
He went through a traumatic time in his early 20s at which point his issues with drugs and anger got worse. He was cast out by his family and went to live alone.
He has had a number of short term girlfriends/flings, all who have removed themselves after the meltdown type outbursts started. But from what he has told me had no problems going in to bars and approaching women to pull them.
Other than the short term relationships he has pretty much lived alone, with a housemate or pets for almost a decade, following the same evening routine after work, basically living his life between his home and a few shops nearby. I know he met a number of girlfriends on online dating, including myself. It was a couple of months in when I witnessed his anger for the first time, this was over the phone and was caused by the signal being bad and me having to ask him to repeat what he said a number of times.
I'm starting to wonder after reading your latest post if this is in fact autism or something else. His dad seems very much the same as he is so there could be learned behaviours maybe if his mum is aspire and his dad a narc?
It's all very confusing.
I wouldn't rule out autism - there are plenty of traits.
On the gaming - I think you'll need to consider how much of a problem it is.
- Special interests are pretty common and can be obsessive
- I've known a lot of people for who gaming was a 'healthy' addiction relative to alternatives e.g. gaming isn't as destructive as drugs, drink, gambling. I'm not saying it's good either - but if there is going to be an addiction...it's not one of the worst.
- If gaming is his 'safe space' or his 'retreat' then directly trying to get him to stop gaming isn't going to help. Other stressors need to be reduced so he feels less of a need to retreat away to a safe space.
I'd suggest your father in law is aspie and is panicking and verbalising what's worrying him inside - maybe he would really like a grandchild.
Preferring to speak to adults is normal - kids are chaos - adults are predictable.
No friends - photos probably show acquaintances - maybe not friends as you would measure them - trying to be part of a group - as a mask.
Anger - are you sure it's not just very, very blunt frustration? People measure things according to their experiences - I've heard people recounting events that I've witnessed - I interpreted extremely blunt frustration and others think it was WW3